They Are All Broken
By Scott D. Wilson
Have you ever been betrayed or let down by someone that you had believed in or trusted? Have you found yourself questioning the behaviour of someone that you thought that you knew? I will share something with you that has taken me over forty years to fully realize: They are all broken. Every single person out there is broken, including you and including me. We just don’t see the brokenness all the time because most have learned to hide it well… from others… and from themselves.
I have prided myself in the past by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I used to say that I started all people at one-hundred percent and that they worked themselves down from that. I thought this was the best way to look at others. Now I realize that it was terribly unfair. It always set me up for disappointment. It placed unrealistic expectations on my fellow travellers in this world.
Believing the best in others means looking at them but not seeing them. It is like looking for flawless diamonds with a dirty magnifying glass. Imperfections are smudged and hidden. As individuals, we have been taught to show our best sides. Eventually, we will have to clean our lenses. Inevitably, we see the darker side to someone. They fail to live up to the image that we have constructed of them. They naturally act out of fear or insecurity. They act out of character, and we feel cheated or misled.
Yet you see, the problem is truly not with them but with us. We are mad with ourselves for failing to see them accurately or properly. We forgot that they are all broken like us. One might wisely ask why I say that ‘they’ are a broken if in fact we all suffer the same affliction. Should the statement not be that ‘we’ are all broken? Yes, this is true, but not so when make the observation. For we are not thinking in terms of our own sins and evil when we with judging eyes see the brokenness of those around us. There is no ‘we.’ There is only ourselves and them.
We all lie to one extent or another. If we are honest in our observations we will come to realize that we lie to ourselves far more than we lie to others. We paint over our own imperfections. We try to see ourselves in the best light. We soothe our egos by favorably comparing ourselves with others. In short, we do not see ourselves as broken. So it is when we are betrayed or disappointed that we plainly see the failings in those who we had painted with our ideals. We do not sympathize or empathize with their plight. We judge them.
We have disconnected from our own brokenness and become harsh. We feel victimized and wonder why they won't treat us as we treat them. If we want to correct this we first must remember that they are all broken. Life has made people damaged goods. We need to expect that they will operate from that brokenness, and enjoy surprise when they choose to be better. We then must turn inwards and acknowledge our own broken state so that we can let go of judgement, bitterness and resentment. Here we can ultimately remember that we are all broken.
I am not making this observation to be pessimistic or cynical. I have come to this realization through hard experience. It is not optimistic to deceive ourselves about the fallen state of our friends and family. It is not realistic to ignore our own flaws and shortcomings. If we see that each one of us has some chips on their heart or cracks in their mind then we can treat those people with kind understanding. When necessary, we can take proper actions to protect and prepare ourselves from the broken actions of others rather than becoming victimized. If we can be gentle with our own faults then we can extend that gentleness towards those around us.
When next you are disappointed by friend or family do your best to stop and remember that they are broken. You are the one who expected too much. Remember the cracks in your own spirit and the bruises on your own soul. You too are broken. The only way to help mend such damage is to handle each other softly. For it is when all the broken pieces are gathered and gently reassembled that true wholeness is achieved.
P.S. I am not implying that it is wrong to see the potential and good in others. If we did not see such light then we would soon be mired in cynicism and disenchantment. As the Desiderata wisely states “many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.”
The harm to us comes from our expectations that others, especially those closest, will always operate ideally. First, we cut ourselves no slack and then we do likewise to others.
“They are all broken.” is to be used to remind ourselves that we are judging unfairly. It is my mirror to myself that tells me that I am expecting ideals in a less than ideal world.
