Deserved or Entitled?

Deserved or Entitled?

“Nobody is entitled be loved.
Yet we all deserve unconditional love.”
–Anonymous 

Deserving and entitled, I see the world struggling with these ideas.  So much turmoil, anger and confusion surround them.  This world deserves many things.  We deserve real peace.  We all deserve life, liberty and happiness.  Yet there is a huge gap between what we deserve and what we have the rights to demand.  Likewise, there is gap between what we deserve and what we generally receive.

Even that for which we have rights is frequently frustrated.  We say globally that everyone has a right to life.  Yet if this were universally true then everyone would correspondingly be entitled to adequate food and water as a prerequisite for life.  Presently 1.1 billion people lack safe drinking water and another 795 million are malnourished.  I won’t even go into the grim numbers surrounding sanitation and healthcare. We don’t truly provide a right to life itself but rather we seek to offer the right to living, should a person be able to find the means to do so.

I made my statement above because entitlement and rights are truly important things.  Rights must be enforced to have any effective meaning.  However, we have no right to demand something simply because we deserve it.  We may feel that every cancer patient deserves access to the latest and best treatments but that does not mean they are entitled to it. Currently, that would be neither realistic nor could it be considered a right. 

There is no way on earth to enforce or mandate love or even acceptance. Love is either given freely or it is no longer love.  Many people seem to think that they can demand be loved.  They feel entitled to be loved and accepted for who they are.  They are confusing what they deserve with what they are entitled to by right.  Much of the societal pain that we see comes from the mindset that feels we should have a right to what is deserved.  Horrible attacks have occurred by sick and confused individuals because they felt deprived of what they viewed as their right to be accepted and loved.

 Sadly, this world is truly lacking in genuine love.  Much of what passes for love is a cheap imitation filled with conditions…

 - I love you when you behave.

- I love you when you love me.

- We love you when you make us happy.

- We love you for what you do.

 We place terms, conditions and provisos on the love that we offer.  This disingenuous love is what has been handed down to us, sometimes mixed with romantic or sexual overtones.  True unconditional love is difficult to practice and rare.  Instead, we hate with ease.  We hate the things that we fear.  We hate our monsters.  We have no clue how to love the most unlovable among us:  the sick and the depraved.  Loving our monsters and our enemies would seem weak and coddling.

We do not understand that love forgives; it does not absolve. Love may be gentle but it is not feeble.  It is possible to offer unconditional love without becoming a doormat and enabling wickedness.  We have been taught this truth by the greatest of history and yet we seem to repeatedly forget it.

 Yes, you and I and everyone deserve love.  It is not our right, but we do deserve it.  Ironically, the best way to address this matter is to face our fears and to become loving with no expectations of anyone else.  We as individuals must become the love that is lacking in this tired and frightened world. We must of our own freewill choose to act in unconditional love simply because we believe it to be the correct and best choice regardless of our personal losses in so doing.  When it’s hard and painful and difficult – that is when it is most important to practice love. Paradoxically, real love is the one thing we can never truly possess until we learn to truly give it away with no strings or conditions attached whatsoever.

©2018 Scott D. Wilson,P.Eng.

The Victim in ‘Me’

The Victim in ‘Me’

How we use words and what they reveal about us is fascinating. The words we use reveal much about the thought processes and emotions within us. Equally interesting is the fact that the words we use can in turn impact our emotions and our thinking. Thoughts and emotions evoke words and words can in turn evoke thoughts and emotions.

Consider the following statements. You make me so mad. She drives me crazy. Nobody likes me. Woe is me! Why me? All these declarations demonstrate the victimization of ‘me.’ Everything is happening to ‘me.’ ‘Me’ has no ownership of anything. ‘Me’ is the simply the submissive receiver of all these actions and emotions. ‘Me’ is powerless in all these interactions. When we use ‘me’ we tend to make passive statements about what is happening to us and unfortunately we all too often turn those declarations into negatives. We create the narrative of the victimization of me.

Now consider these proclamations. I get mad when you do that. I feel crazy when says those things. I feel like I am disliked. I feel desperate. I don’t understand what’s happening. These mean essentially the same as the previous statements but in this case ‘I’ is making declarative statements about themselves and their thoughts and feelings. ‘I’ is not passive. There is ownership in the declarations. For better or worse, when we use ‘I’ we are making pronouncements about ourselves: who we are and what we are doing. Strangely, we seem to protect the pronoun ‘I’ making excuses like “I didn’t know,” and “I thought that was correct.”

So it seems that we frequently paint ‘me’ as a victim and then we protect and exonerate ‘I’. This mixture results in our feeling and thinking like we are unwilling martyrs to life and the universe. Currently, our entire culture supports this perspective. Popular speaker and advertisements soothe your ego by telling you that none of your troubles are your fault. Your circumstances did this to you. Read this and buy that and you will entertained and you will feel better. Yet these hollow offerings leave us feeling out of control and deprived. In this state we can be most easily manipulated into buying products, ideas and beliefs. That is how most businesses and governments want us to be. This state of mind is not accidental.

There is an alternative to this programmed victimized thinking. First and foremost, verbally and in thought, do not use your words against yourself. Unless you can make your declarations positive then avoid ‘me’ in your thinking and your words. When the word ‘me’ does appear in you words pay attention to how you are using it. Do your utmost to avoid martyring ‘me.’ Next, own your life with ‘I’ statements. Do not try, wish or want. State what you *are* actually doing and what you fully intend to *do*. When speaking or thinking of the past make sure that you do not belittle your actions by stating what you did not know, understand or do.

When you make identifying statements ensure that they are affirming. Declare positively who you are. Own your emotions and feelings, even the negative ones. It’s okay to say that you are angry, sad, upset, confused, frightened or anxious *and* it does not need to be someone or something else’s fault. Let go of fault and blame; they hold no value for you and only work to create further victims in others. Let each one own their action, thoughts and feelings. Seek to understand how all those elements worked together to create the outcomes that followed. Exercise grace towards yourself and others, again in thought, word and action. Through practice of such mindful thinking we can turn the victim in ‘me’ into a champion and ‘I’ can learn to grown and overcome all the tragedies that befall us!

©2018 Scott D. Wilson