The Victim in ‘Me’

The Victim in ‘Me’

How we use words and what they reveal about us is fascinating. The words we use reveal much about the thought processes and emotions within us. Equally interesting is the fact that the words we use can in turn impact our emotions and our thinking. Thoughts and emotions evoke words and words can in turn evoke thoughts and emotions.

Consider the following statements. You make me so mad. She drives me crazy. Nobody likes me. Woe is me! Why me? All these declarations demonstrate the victimization of ‘me.’ Everything is happening to ‘me.’ ‘Me’ has no ownership of anything. ‘Me’ is the simply the submissive receiver of all these actions and emotions. ‘Me’ is powerless in all these interactions. When we use ‘me’ we tend to make passive statements about what is happening to us and unfortunately we all too often turn those declarations into negatives. We create the narrative of the victimization of me.

Now consider these proclamations. I get mad when you do that. I feel crazy when says those things. I feel like I am disliked. I feel desperate. I don’t understand what’s happening. These mean essentially the same as the previous statements but in this case ‘I’ is making declarative statements about themselves and their thoughts and feelings. ‘I’ is not passive. There is ownership in the declarations. For better or worse, when we use ‘I’ we are making pronouncements about ourselves: who we are and what we are doing. Strangely, we seem to protect the pronoun ‘I’ making excuses like “I didn’t know,” and “I thought that was correct.”

So it seems that we frequently paint ‘me’ as a victim and then we protect and exonerate ‘I’. This mixture results in our feeling and thinking like we are unwilling martyrs to life and the universe. Currently, our entire culture supports this perspective. Popular speaker and advertisements soothe your ego by telling you that none of your troubles are your fault. Your circumstances did this to you. Read this and buy that and you will entertained and you will feel better. Yet these hollow offerings leave us feeling out of control and deprived. In this state we can be most easily manipulated into buying products, ideas and beliefs. That is how most businesses and governments want us to be. This state of mind is not accidental.

There is an alternative to this programmed victimized thinking. First and foremost, verbally and in thought, do not use your words against yourself. Unless you can make your declarations positive then avoid ‘me’ in your thinking and your words. When the word ‘me’ does appear in you words pay attention to how you are using it. Do your utmost to avoid martyring ‘me.’ Next, own your life with ‘I’ statements. Do not try, wish or want. State what you *are* actually doing and what you fully intend to *do*. When speaking or thinking of the past make sure that you do not belittle your actions by stating what you did not know, understand or do.

When you make identifying statements ensure that they are affirming. Declare positively who you are. Own your emotions and feelings, even the negative ones. It’s okay to say that you are angry, sad, upset, confused, frightened or anxious *and* it does not need to be someone or something else’s fault. Let go of fault and blame; they hold no value for you and only work to create further victims in others. Let each one own their action, thoughts and feelings. Seek to understand how all those elements worked together to create the outcomes that followed. Exercise grace towards yourself and others, again in thought, word and action. Through practice of such mindful thinking we can turn the victim in ‘me’ into a champion and ‘I’ can learn to grown and overcome all the tragedies that befall us!

©2018 Scott D. Wilson

What if…

What if… 

“Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” –Thomas A. Edison

These are some very haunting words. The line between succeeding and failing is truly razor thin. I sometimes get goose bumps when I reflectively consider the possible impact upon our world had some of our greatest pioneers and people given up when they encountered opposition, adversity or a pressure to conform. Imagine a world under the following conditions:

What if… Arthur and Kate Keller had followed common practice in the late 1800’s and placed their deaf and blind daughter in institutional care?

What if… in 1890 Marie Curie had accepted the Polish prohibition of women from university education, never joining the clandestine Flying University?

What if… Steve Job had cut his losses in 1986 after having been kicked out of Apple and NeXT Inc. was on the ropes, never looking at Pixar?

What if… Isaac Newton had listened to his mother and remained a farmer?

What if… J.K. Rowling had given up writing while struggling on welfare?

What if… Walt Disney had believed the editor in 1919 who fired him because he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”

I could list countless examples like these. Each of these people had moments where they could have stopped following their dreams or given up on themselves. No one would have condemned them. Everyone would have understood. History would have simply rolled on without them. It chills me further to realize that there likely are some minds and hearts like these that have already quit and deprived us of their amazing innovations and ideas. We likely will never know what we have lost.

What does Edison’s warning say about us and our own efforts when we consider quitting? How close are we to finding success? Is that last failure our breaking point or the one just before our breakthrough? Is there a mother lode of triumph buried inside us just beneath that last stinging defeat? If we give up then we will never truly know. Our own greatness may not shine brightly before the world like that of the people I listed above. Yet it would remain an equally great tragedy for any of us to live our lives with our noblest potential undiscovered, undeveloped and unachieved.

In this life when it comes to our own success, it is always too early to quit and never too late to get up and keep going.


©2017 S.D.Wilson

Critics for Breakfast

Critics for Breakfast

 “There is only one way to avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing and be nothing.” –Aristotle

Criticism, it comes from many sources:  friends, family, strangers and even ourselves.  Rarely a day goes by where I do not see posts on here where someone has not been stung in some way by a judgmental thought.  Noble Aristotle makes a very wise point here.  We seem to face criticism for what we do, what we say, what think and what we are.   So we can avoid criticism.  We can largely avoid the slings and arrows of our fellow man and woman: do nothing, say nothing and be nothing. They can’t critique a target that isn’t there.

Or we can accept that there is a cost to becoming something more than we are today.  We can acknowledge that there will always be a source of disparaging thoughts and comments that will be sent in our way as long as we strive for to be better.  We can understand that everyone who advanced was met with detractors and naysayers.  We can know in our hearts and our spirits that mere negative words will be part of the price that we gladly pay to become far more than nothing! Then turn the negatives around with your resolve. Let their “No, you can’t.” be the fuel for your “Oh yes, I can!”

Here’s to a day filled with our potential, bring on the critics…I’m hungry!

©2017 S.D. Wilson

What if I?

What if I?

One unremarkable day
In an unremarkable year
In an unremarkable place
In an unremarkable house
That an unremarkable person
Did a remarkable thing
He wondered “What if I?”
And he didn’t stop.
It made all the difference in the world.

What if I can do more?
What if I have something unique to offer the world?
What if I *can* change?
What if I can let go of my past and begin something new and different?
What if I forgive myself and others?
What if I can overcome my circumstances?
What if I believed in myself?
What if I can be better today than I was yesterday?
What if I no longer wait for the right time?
What if I have failed but I am not truly a failure?
What if I stop making excuses?
What if I quit looking at obstacles and start seeking opportunities?
What if I accept myself as I am right now?
What if I face my fears?
What if I follow love?
What if I begin working on my dream?
What if I start NOW?

And then they DID!
They changed their world...
And then they changed ours!!

©2016 SD Wilson

Motivation: Hacking Your Emotions



Motivation: Hacking Your EmotionsBy Scott D. Wilson


In the game of motivation that is played to achieve success there are two players:  our rational mind and our emotional mind.  The rational mind foolishly thinks that it is in charge.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Without the emotional mind there would be no energy or drive to our actions.  We need the power generated by the emotional mind to fuel all our noble endeavours.  Yes, in the very short term we can use pure logic and reason to start an action, but eventually the emotions will demand a tangible pay-off in order to sustain a worthwhile behaviour or to continue towards a meaningful goal.  No matter how logical or how important an idea may be, we won’t make the effort to put it into effect if our emotions do not support it, at least not in the long run.


Often our emotional mind gets tired.  It sulks like a child and it wants what it wants and it does not care what our rational mind knows.  We lose our motivation.  Here is where most rational minds fail.  They attempt to bully and coerce the emotional mind into bending to their sheer willpower.  They use guilt and shame in an attempt to force the emotional mind into co-operating with the logical and reasonable plans.  This generally fails utterly and the person then blames their lack of ‘willpower’. 
The root of the word willpower is willing. If your rational mind forces any issue then there is no willingness.  The source of power in one’s will is based on the willingness behind it.  The emotions must be engaged for willingness to have any power.  Willpower consists of rational thought that provides a vector of constructive direction and emotions that supply the necessary power.  Without emotions in harmony with a logical plan there is only empty intention.  It is, at best, a wish.


You are not a logical creature with emotions.  You are an emotional creature with reasoning.  Deal with the emotions.  If you want motivation you need to use your rational mind to entice your emotions.  Yes, entice, as in ‘to attract or tempt by offering pleasure or advantage’.  Figure out what motivates your emotions.  Do rewards act as your best incentives?  Then set up action charts that provide rewards when certain tasks are achieved.  Doe fun help you during mundane tasks?  Find things that you can use to pep you up and make your work towards your goals more enjoyable and less dreary or tiring.  The answers are very personal.

Each of us has different things that excite and entice us.  Take the valuable time to find yours! Do whatever it takes to provoke your emotions into action.  Find the pleasure or advantage that puts emotions behind your intended actions!!   If you need to restore your motivation then hack your own emotions and take the necessary steps to funnel their energy towards your goals!


©2016 S.D. Wilson

Powerfully Soft

Powerfully Soft

By Scott D. Wilson, P.Eng.

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard.Do not let the pain make you hate.
Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.
Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree,
you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” – Iain S Thomas

And consider:

“A man is born gentle and weak.

At his death he is hard and stiff.

Green plants are tender and filled with sap.

At their death they are withered and dry.

 

Therefore the stiff and unbending is the disciple of death.

The gentle and yielding is the disciple of life.

Thus an army without flexibility never wins a battle.

A tree that is unbending is easily broken.

The hard and strong will fall.

The soft and weak will overcome.” – Tao Te Ching - Lao Tzu - chapter 76

 

This world largely ignores the power of softness.  Yielding is considered weakness.  Being gentle is equated with being feeble.  Yet the most powerful people of history have demonstrated the power of submission.   Ghandi’s successful peaceful protests, Martin Luther King Jr.’s non-violent marches and the fall of the Berlin Wall are just a few examples of the soft overcoming the hard.


However, the world is increasingly applying harder and harder efforts to counter-act the destructive forces in it.  Force is countered with greater force.  The effectiveness of these strong measures gradually grows less and less by the day.  It is much like trying to dig a deep hole in a large sandy beach, the more one digs, the more sand pours into the hole from the surrounding dunes.  What first took only a small effort to correct now takes tens and hundreds of times greater effort.  Conventional thinking would do well to consider the wisdom cited above and develop some softer methods to defeat the enemies of the peace.


The wise see the folly in meeting might with might within themselves and their own lives.  They learn to yield and redirect the opposing forces that assail them.  In martial arts we generally learn the hard forms first: kicks, blows and blocks.  As one trains for many years it becomes apparent that strength and force have their limits and overcoming force with greater force is not truly effective.  Eventually, adept martial artists will learn the soft styles and discover their immense power.  When sagely applied, the most effective martial arts overcome enemies by preventing them from ever entering into conflict.


Resistance often strengthens our foes.  Better firewalls and virus protection generate more ingenious methods for hacking into our systems.  One of the most powerful tools in preventing cyber-attacks against corporations is the ‘honeypot.’  Cyber-criminals want to break in and steal data.  The honeypot provides them with what they want.  It is an area filled with interesting data and it is somewhat secured so that significant effort must be made to get there. However, honeypots are carefully monitored. All who enter are traced and their actions are tracked meticulously. The data there is safe and expendable or even misleading.  Sometimes, giving people what they want is the best way to defeat them.


How does this apply to you and me?  It means that we pay attention to hardness and unyielding in our own lives.  Society has conditioned us to instinctively hit back when something strikes at us, to overcome force with greater force.   Wisdom understands that taking blows and returning them is not always a beneficial strategy.  Over time, this reaction can ‘harden’ us mentally and emotionally.  Our greater strength turns into weakness as we become emotionally brittle and mentally inflexible. 

We need to ask ourselves: Are we pushing back out of fear?  Can we let the hard words and harsh comments of others pass us by allowing them to dissipate into silence?  Can we agree with the truth in our opponents words and yet overcome their destructive meaning?

“Why yes, I am a bit lazy at tidying the house. Since you are better at this than I am then perhaps you would like to help with this and show me how to do it better.”

Yielding is a very powerful tactic.  It disarms many enemies who are accustomed to resistance or counter-attacks.  In physical combat, a blow that misses its target tends to leave the attacker over-extended and prone to being pulled off balance.  The aggressor needs the resistance to their attack in order to stop from fumbling forward.  In Tai Chi Chuan we call this uprooting an opponent, making them unstable and vulnerable.  In social interactions opponents lose their emotional energy when others ignore their words or essentially agree with them.  Antagonists become somewhat prone under these circumstances and I have seen many back-peddle, literally trying to ‘take back’ their words.

So when we reflect on our daily struggles let us make sure that we are not hardening our thoughts and our emotions.  Do not let pain or bitterness make us fragile.  Consider the wisdom of those who advocate gentleness and the power of letting go.  Just as water softly overcomes stone we too can overcome our hard opposition.   The next time life pushes you, stop before you instinctively shove back.  Consider the possibility of yielding and sending the force tumbling behind you as you choose to keep moving forward. 

 

 

*Post Script*


As a reminder for myself, I have this version of Chapter 22 of the Tao Te Ching on my wall (emphasis on the last sentence):

  

Yield and overcome;

 bend and be straight.

Empty out and be full;

 wear out and be renewed.

Have little and gain;

 have much and be confused.

Therefore, the True Person embraces the One

 and becomes a model for all.

Do not look only at yourself,

 and you will see much.

Do not justify yourself,

 and you will be distinguished.

Do not brag,

 and you will have merit.

Do not be prideful,

 and your work will endure.

It is because you do not strive

 that no one under heaven can strive with you.

The saying of the Old Ones, "Yield and Overcome,"

 is not an empty phrase.

True wholeness is achieved

 by blending with life.

 

 ©2016 S.D. Wilson

The Special

The Special

©2016 Scott D. Wilson,P.Eng.

Most here are aware of my affinity for the movie ‘The Matrix’ and its concepts.  Those reading the title of this article who have children will already have an idea about what other film I want to discuss here today.  The term “The Special” refers to the film ‘The Lego Movie.’   For those unfamiliar with this movie I can summarize it this way.  The film draws many parallels to my cherished Matrix.  Most noteworthy is the journey of the main characters.  In the ‘Lego Movie’ the rebel group is looking for “The Special” and in ‘The Matrix’ they are looking for “The One.”  In ‘The Matrix’ Neo, or Thomas A. Anderson, struggles to understand that he is the special person with unique abilities to perceive and change reality.  In ‘The Lego Movie’ Emmet struggles with a prophesy that has labelled him “The Special” and expects him to be a “Master Builder” and “the most interesting, and most extraordinary person in the universe.”

There are many other parallels that can be explored and both our heroes ultimately realize their full potential and end the oppression of their people.  However, ‘The Lego Movie’ diverges in one VERY significantly different way.  Neo is distinctly different and therefore special.  He acts and thinks in ways that are different from everybody else.  It is his uniqueness that makes him “The One.”  Emmet on the other hands is exactly like everyone else.  He is the quintessential nobody.  He blends in with everyone and he is uncreative and truly boring.  Yet he becomes “The Special” quite by accident when he falls down a hole while chasing a beautiful and mysterious woman.  Neo is a reluctant Christ figure but Emmet is every one of us.

Yet both our heroes transcend their perceived limitations and break free of the oppressive reality that enslaved them.  Both characters gain the ability to literally rearrange reality to suit their needs and to help those around them.  The difference that I noted is important because of this simple idea that Emmet realizes:

“You are the most talented, most interesting, and most extraordinary person in the universe. And you are capable of amazing things. Because you are the Special. And so am I. And so is everyone. The prophecy is made up, but it's also true. It's about all of us. Right now, it's about you, and you....still.....can change everything.”

Emmet realized the truth that what makes someone special is not some magical gift or talent or ability.  It is not something that some people fortunately have and that others unfortunately do not.   It is a choice that they make.  Every normal person has the ability to change the way they see reality.  Every one of us further has the ability to change that reality.   All of us have the capability to become “The One” or “The Special.”  We all can wake-up to the untapped potential within us and become astoundingly so much more than we are today.

This is an important realization that we all should think hard upon and act upon even harder still.  So many are looking for their Neo, a special unique saviour with super-powers, to come and liberate them from the mess of their lives.  All the while, what they truly need to do is realize that they are the special person that can make all the difference.   If they would only realize this simple fact they would become their own superhero, just like Emmet.  There are barriers.  I recognize this.  Knowing something with our heads is not the same as actually knowing and experiencing the truth of something.  

From the Kamasutra to the Kinsey Reports there is a lot of useful and wonderful information about human sexual intercourse.  We could spend years reading and fill our heads with the knowledge.  Personally, none of that information will ever compare to the experience of a bona fide orgasm with a trusted and loving partner.  Knowing the truth is not the same as acting upon it.  Knowing that we are special and that we can be special is the same kind of realization.  This reality needs to be experienced!  It requires us to act upon what we know in our minds and then experience the reality of this new situation that we create.  It is literally an act of faith… faith in ourselves.

To those out there hesitating, who do not believe that they have what it takes, I urge you to suspend that doubt and make an act of faith in yourself.  Act as if your dream is truly becoming reality.  I know that it will be fearful but I can personally guarantee that it can be equally wonderful.  Would you truly rather face the bitter of regret of opportunities lost?  Stop waiting for the one who will save you.  Become your own hero today.  Put on that cape!

Today, I want to also acknowledge all the superheroes in this life.  You know who you are.  You have grabbed hold of your life with both hands and you are riding it for all that it is worth.  You have taken back control where you once were enslaved.  You have gone from victim to victorious. You stopped making excuses and started making a difference.  You have learned to look at reality with new eyes and to in turn exceed the perceived boundaries that once trapped you.   And most important, you have openly shared and given back so that others can become heroes too.  You folks are “The Specials”, “The Master Builders”, and “The Ones” that make this world work... that make the journey special.  THANK YOU!

Anticipate Weakness

Anticipate Weakness

©2015 Scott D. Wilson,P.Eng.

 

No matter what noble goal we pursue there will come moments of weakness where will we be tempted to throw in the towel or to simply derail our progress by doing something counter-productive.  For the person trying to lose weight it will be that time late at night, fatigued, lonely and down. That will be when the refrigerator or the cookie jar will sing with its irresistible siren song.  For the new entrepreneur it can be around the time that the novelty wears off, enthusiasm peters out and their confidence begins to wane. Or perhaps the feeling of despair sets in when the first significant challenge rears its head and seems insurmountable.   In short, the urges to give in and give up are pretty well universal to all who set goals and set out to succeed.

 

The lesson is that everyone falls prey to moments of weakness so we should anticipate these moments and do our best to prepare for them.  When we set out we always envision ourselves motivated and energized from that point onward.  This is an unrealistic expectation of ourselves.  We need to be kinder to our future selves and help them prepare for the moments of weakness and temptation.  Under present conditions we need to empathize with those under the strain to conform and to take the path of least resistance.  What tools could we give them to help them succeed?  What information could help them to stay positive and motivated to continue?  It is best to ask these questions now when there is no pressure or urgency.

 

If we each had an enemy that we knew was going to attack us some time in the future where we are at our weakest then we would be crazy not to take precautions against them.  We might hire security, train in self-defence, purchase weapons, travel in groups for safety or some other protective measures.  We would certainly not ignore the future threat.  In this case we are actually being pursued by an extremely dangerous enemy and that enemy is ourselves.  We know that they will hit us when we are most vulnerable so it makes sense to prepare now while we are strong.

 

There is another way to understand this idea in concrete terms.  We do our best to maintain our vehicles.  Nonetheless, many of us keep emergency kits in the car so that the effect of unexpected breakdowns is minimized.  Likewise, it is prudent to have disaster kits in our homes for emergencies and first aid.  It would be unwise to start a long quest in the wilderness without a survival pack.  I am suggesting something similar here.  We need to prepare a kind of emergency kit for motivation and determination.  For example, our midnight snacker might pack a distraction in their kit.  They think of food while bored and lonely so the kit might be a game or book or movie or something that they would enjoy more than a snack.  Reserve this item specifically for emergencies so that it is a truly worthwhile distraction.

 

Whether dieting or starting a new business  or any self-improvement goal, the emergency kit will need to be personal and it will need to help keep us in the right direction.  There is no one pat answer that will help for everyone.  Our entrepreneur might write down a list of reasons why they want to pursue their business and keep it in their kit.  Another might list all their talents and assets that support their goal.  Still another might keep recommendations and commendations from various sources that affirm their objectives.  The point is to get creative.  Use pictures, videos, songs, audio, mementos, cash, a list of friends to call, special objects… anything that will shore you up and help you to stay the course when your moments of weakness hit.  The effectiveness of your emergency kit will be proportional to the effort that you put into it while preparing. It also goes somewhat without saying but remember that this is an emergency kit.  It is to be used as weapon of last resort. The more it is used the less effective it will become.  This device is to help you when you are most in need of it.

 

I should also mention that our emergency kit does not necessarily need to be physical.  Martial artists train in repetitive cycles call katas, taolu or forms.  It is this repetition that prepares them to act appropriately when encountering an enemy.  This training and preparation is done when no threats are present.  It allows the people to be prepared and confident when a real opponent strikes.  Since we are talking about mental and emotional battles with ourselves then the fight will be taking place in our mind so it is there where we can also make preparations.  Mottos, maxims, prayers and quotes that reverberate within us can also serve to bolster us when weakness hits.  Again, these are personal so each one of needs to find something that we can repeatedly bring to mind that will help our thoughts, our spirits and our hearts.

My point in this diatribe is to encourage you to anticipate the worst in yourself.  Do not hold unrealistic expectation of your abilities and motivation.  Humbly admit your weaknesses and failings.  We all suffer from self-doubt and loneliness at different times.  Nobody alive is free from temptation.  However, these darkest hours need not be our downfall if we anticipate and prepare for them.  Take the time today while you are in a good place and your goals are clear and certain.  Work and plan to help yourself to remain on course for your goals when the windy trials and tribulations of life seek to shipwreck you and blow you off course! 

Finding Success

Finding Success 

©2015 Scott D. Wilson

This article is dedicated to the admirable life and great friendship of Dr. Janice McCarthy.
I do not know when exactly but I do know that soon a light will fade from this planet and the universe will be a bit darker. My friend, Doctor Janice McCarthy is in the final stages of her battle with the evil that is cancer. My heart breaks for her husband and children and their unfair loss.


But I am not writing here about loss. I am writing about finding success. I do not know a single person who does not crave success in their life. It is almost a fundamental human drive like hunger, sex, love and acceptance. However, we all seem to achieve varying levels of success in our lives. We all want and dream of success yet few of us are willing to do all that is needed to achieve those goals. I believe that the drive for success is akin to psychologist Abraham Maslow's description of the quest for self-actualization.


I am privileged to have known several successful people in my passage through this weary land of heartaches and broken dreams. Some were wealthy.  Others had meager means. Some were well known and popular. While some live in quiet obscurity. There were those both brilliant and simple. I would imagine that many reading here wonder then how I am defining success.


Earl Nightingale gave the best definition of success that I am aware of to date.  His definition stated that "Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal."  In most people's eyes worthy ideals are mainly fame and fortune. I have a much broader view of success yet I would have to say that still only a few obtain it.


My successful few have one common thread: a fearless passion for life. Their legacies are loving families, heartfelt friends, admiring colleagues, grateful neighbours and a general respect from virtually all who knew them. Whatever their circumstance they grabbed life for all it was worth. None of them were victims in their maturity. Their environments did not subdue or define them. They truly overcame the world and themselves.  Oh, they had fears and nightmares but they all learned to face them to persevere beyond them.

My friend Janice is not dying of cancer. She is truly living deeply and fully with the disease. Despite the ravages of the illness she seems more alive now than when we first met. Yes, I see a certain sadness within her but it is not regret.  It is the natural yearning for more. Her smile, her wit, her impish ways, her unconquered spirit burn brightly. Even in the precious last days she still reaches out and counsels her patients. Her abundant generosity has not been stemmed by this vicious disease.  I see in her the unbowed unbroken warrior.  I cannot help but be inspired.


Why is this success?  She has lived this life on her terms. That is one of the noblest ideals that I can envision. The lives she has touched attest to this. Of this I have no doubt. Her family and friends have been given a shining legacy from her. I will miss my friend but I will forever be enriched by my time spent with her.


And so I encourage you, my reader, to look to your own life. Find your own success and commit your life to it. Use the inspirations of lives well lived to find your own noble ideals. Do not narrow success to money or popularity. Define life on your own terms. Dream big and work hard. Love deeply and boldly!  Do not let world extinguish your light. Burn brightly like a shooting star... like my friend Janice.

"To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one’s self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Fill a Need

Fill a Need

©2015 Scott D. Wilson
 

I want to tell you two remarkable stories.  The first story is that of a young intern back in 1991.  Like many of her ilk she works hard and long hours striving to learn all that she can to become a superb physician and ultimately a skilled surgeon.  During this time she is assigned to a critical care ward where she encounters and elderly patient whose illness is very likely terminal.  They chat and find a common bond in their passion for fly fishing.  Their relationship is limited to the regular brief encounters during the young physician’s daily rounds. 
 
One day the doctor notes that the patient’s demeanor is more subdued.  Her inquiry yields a heart-felt statement from the patient.  Tomorrow is his wedding anniversary.  For all of the 60+ years that he has been married he has never missed a wedding anniversary.  But now he is stuck in this bed unable to do anything for his beloved.  Saying nothing our diligent doctor politely takes her leave and moves on.
 
The next day, shortly after the elderly patient’s wife arrives for her regular visit a large bouquet of flowers is delivered to her under her husband’s name.  Our physician hears the joyful tale from her patient later that day.  With a tired smile she goes on her way.
 
My next story is that of another new physician.  However this lady is not so young.  For you see, she was first a nurse for several years before she decided to become a doctor.  This tale begins on a night shift.  A rookie nurse is working the palliative care floor.  The ink is barely dry on her certificate.  Our new physician is also on duty performing rounds when the frantic young nurse stops her in the hall.  An elderly patient is in the last stages of dying.  He has no family to comfort him in his last hours.  He is moaning and begging the young nurse for someone to just hold him.  This is our fledgling nurse’s first encounter with a dying patient.  She desperately looks to our physician for direction.
 
Without a word the fresh doctor quickly walks towards the patient’s room.  Then, to the astonishment of the novice nurse, the doctor careful climbs onto the bed and gently wraps her arms around the dying man.  And there in the room our nurse and doctor remain for several small hours till the old man passes from this world.  The impact on the nurse was significant.  She had never before experienced the likes of such a doctor.
 
Why do I spin these tales for you?  Because they a real, and because I see a lesson of success in their actions.  I am privileged to call the first doctor my sister.  The second wonderful healer is the daughter of my mother’s best friend.  In both cases these wonderful women saw a need and compassionately filled it.  They did not seek glory or recognition.  Indeed I would not know of them had they not been relayed to me by third parties.  Despite their authority and positions they did not feel these tasks were beneath them. 
 
In Disney’s film ‘Robots’ the protagonist falls in love with the catchphrase “See a need. Fill a need.”  The idea is that if we identify a problem then we are in probability also the person most able to develop the solution.  In the film the character’s desire to follow this ideal leads him on the path to success. The two ladies above perfectly lived this creed.  Their examples challenge me.  As I consider the most successful people in business and in life I realize that they too exemplified this truth.  Mother Theresa, Bill Gates, Alexander Graham Bell,  Nicolai Tesla, and others… they all saw needs and successfully filled them.  If we are to succeed in this life then we too should follow this pattern.
 
We all have unique talents and abilities.  We all look around and see this world’s many deficiencies.  Today, instead of hoping that someone else will fix them, perhaps we can turn it around and consider how we might be the necessary person to bless this needy world.  Like my two doctors, may we find our own way to quietly “fill a need.” 

An Impoverished Mind

An Impoverished Mind

©Scott Wilson 2015

 

North America is by all measures a country of prosperity and abundance. Food is plentiful and inexpensive. Economical energy sources of all types abound. Our land is rife with natural resources. For centuries North America has been labelled "the Land of Opportunity." Modern living affords us more leisure time and more entertainments than any of our forefathers could have ever hoped to obtain. Indeed, compared with much of the rest of the world we are living amidst luxury, wealth and opulence.

 

Why then does it seem that most of us tend to think in terms of deficit? Our society is rife with individuals who feel that they do not have enough money, or possessions, or time. Rare is the man or woman who considers themself to be rich. Our attention is drawn towards that which seems to be missing instead of that which we have already received and currently possess. It would appear that our hearts and minds are truly impoverished. Advertisers profit from this thinking, pointing out how we need their products to genuinely fulfill us.

 

Perhaps we inherited this thinking from our parents and grandparents who suffered through the Great Depression. They were the first generation on this continent to experience a serious lack of abundance. Their fears seem to have given rise to the general angst and longing that pervades our present culture. As the speed and reach of our communications has become instant and global mankind has begun to sense its limitations. We wonder and worry that our lonely planet may not have the energy and resources to allow our continued prosperity.

 

I believe it would benefit us to question this pervasive mindset of poverty. By all reckoning this universe appears to be vast and infinite. There is no reason to believe that mankind cannot continue to advance and improve our use of the unending energy and materials that surround us. In addition to this physical view we would also benefit by questioning the relative importance of material wealth in our life journeys.

 

In my studies of successful people I have found various commonalities of outlook and thought.  One common factor that I have noticed about those whom we deem successful is that they tend to think in terms of abundance, not deficit.  They see opportunity everywhere, even in their failures!  Motivational writer and instructor Earl Nightingale described this abundant thinking best with these words “Don’t concern yourself with the money. Be of service. Build. Work. Dream. Create. Do this and you’ll find that there is no limit to the prosperity and abundance that will come to you.”  To those with a winning mindset, the world is rich with success; all they have to do is persevere to obtain it. Successful people live and act as is there is always enough for everyone and that they have but to claim their share.

 

The prosperous build growth upon growth, strength upon strength.  They see and understand weakness and loss but these are not their primary focus.  These positive people remain doggedly fixed on their objectives. As that old Frank Sinatra’s song goes, they have ‘high hopes.’  It is this outlook that we should seek for ourselves if we too wish to partake of similar successes in our own lives.

 

Look at your goals and objectives.  Are you lacking cash, time, resources, information, experience or anything else that you need to obtain what you envision?  Do not let these become anchors and barriers to you.  Look at what you *do* have and build upon it.  See the areas of success in your own life and amplify them.  Understand that the universe is filled with resources that can become yours to command if you allow yourself to see the very real opportunities that surround you.  If you truly seek to succeed then you need to lose your impoverished mind!

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” –Winston Churchill

"Some people are so poor, all they have is money." –Patrick Meagher

Measuring Success

Measuring Success

©Scott Wilson 2015

This being Valentine's Day my subject will be somewhat intimate to me. I wish to speak towards success in life as a whole. My subject is one of the most remarkable people that I have ever had the privilege to know.

Growing up, my friend had a difficult time in home that suffered emotional turmoil and neglect mixed with bankruptcy, divorce and instability.  She had some struggles in school and several of her teachers as much as told her that she was just not capable in some subjects. Her parents did not support nor did they encourage her academic efforts.  At sixteen, she struck out on her own, heading to live at a college more than an hour's travel from home.

Finally, in college she found some friends and an environment that supported her dream to graduate one day from university. Teachers were now more responsive in helping. And with some tutoring in areas where she had struggled she soon began to excel. Home and its chaos still occasionally spilled over into her path but she pressed on with growing confidence.  It was there that my friend found love, a young man who lived near the college. He saw in her someone who persevered and overcame so many obstacles.  He loved her fierce passion and strong family values despite so much around her that acted to snuff it out. Together they dreamed of forging their own family and future.

After graduating college the pair went off to Ottawa to study at university together. Four years later they both had the honours degrees that they had so dilligently sought. Next marriage and work followed - this took them further from their birthplaces and families as they struck out together into new and foreign territory. His career began as technical professional and she became a support worker. It was then that both happiness and tragedy stuck. They were told they could not conceive normally but were overjoyed when they learned that she was expecting twins - something they both had dreamed about. But their joy was crushed with pain as they suffered a miscarriage and their deeply anticipated twins Sarah Anne and Amy Anne lived but a day.

In there darkness a light arose and she conceived again. This time a healthy boy arrived one year to the day that they lost their beautiful daughters. And then again there came great difficulty and struggle when a horrid woman at a support group falsely accused my dear friend of abuse. Amid the turmoil and betrayal my beautiful comrade wrote a powerful letter of forgiveness to her accuser that touched the hearts of several people.

In time their family grew to six.  And my young heroine sought to give her children the best by teaching them from home. And under here loving care their children proved to be bright and full of life.  Unfortunately, time and biology took their toll. A new challenge arose in the form of mental health struggles. My brave lady presses on to this day  fighting this terrible challenge within herself.

The children are all good and responsible citizens at various stages of life. By all standards the family is a success. Yes, they struggle with bills and daily difficulties but all in all they have no real significant setbacks.  But still my good friend feels a failure at her life. Happy healthy kids, a kind considerate husband of nearly 25 years and a decent home all attest to her powerful drive to make her desires into reality and to keep going. Despite poor family role models and a difficult start she managed to successfully navigate the dangerous landmines of life.

I so wish my friend could see herself and her family differently. Both she and our society tend to judge with a harshness thay guarantees failure for almost everyone. By now you may have guessed that my friend is my wonderful and talented wife. I am torn apart when she criticises her achievements and belittles all that she has done. She is still a beautiful soul to me, with so much to be proud of and so much more promise ahead of her. Today, I think of her and I am so grateful for all that she has given me over our lives together and I am proud of all that she has overcome.  Her ruler does not measure achievement as mine does but that is okay.  Like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life" I suspect that one day she may find a kinder and gentler way of measuring success, one that we all can benefit from discovering!

Becoming "Unplugged"

Becoming "Unplugged"

©Scott D. Wilson 2014

"It is both beneficial, noble and healthy to be an idealist and to pursue improvement. It is however naïve, delusional and unhealthy to expect others to equally adopt and reflect these same ideals"

As of late, the contrast between ideals and expectations seems to be surrounding me.  I see it's effect on so many lives.  Our understanding of our surroundings dictates not only how we see the world but also what we expect from it.  Because our world is all around us all the time we take much of it for granted.  One big mistake that we all make daily is to assume that others experience and understand life in a manner similar to our own.

For example, we might value kindness and seek to be kinder. We then expect all others around us, say family, friends, acquaintances and co-workers, to operate from the same principle.  Is this realistic?  It is even fair?  If someone had been abused throughout much of their life with little exposure to gentleness then their view of kindness might be drastically different than someone who has been raised in a nurturing and caring environment.  It would be unreasonable to hold these two examples to the same standard of kindness.

I would like to use a more concrete example.  What about expecting others to view weight loss and our need to be healthier in the same way that we do?  I am a moderator on a web site that helps people to change their lifestyle, lose weight and become healthier.  Many people who come to the site are puzzled and even upset when their friends, family and colleagues are ambivalent, questioning or even adverse towards their efforts to lose weight and get healthier.  It greatly perplexes them that all their associations are not synchronized with their beliefs  about becoming healthy.  Why wouldn't they want them to become fit?

The answer to this question is not all that surprising but most fail to see it.  The reactions of our associates are not about us as individuals.  Their reactions are a reflection upon themselves.  The average person is unfortunately fairly insecure and unrealistically self-conscious.  They view the world as somewhat hostile and antagonistic, hence the common idiom "It's a jungle out there."  They are keenly aware of all their flaws and failings and the world tends to remind them that they are not smart enough, pretty enough or successful enough.

To protect themselves from depression and despair most people rationalize their current state.  Success is for the few, the fortunate and the favoured.  It is not their fault that they are fat, poor or whatever.  That is just the unlucky hand that life has dealt to them.  Unfortunately, this view is continuously challenged by those who rise above their circumstances.  Remarkable people remind us all that we actually have the ability to take control of our lives.  The common man or woman does not want to acknowledge this because it would mean that they are responsible for their life and where they are presently.  This realization does not empower them to act.  It makes them despair.

Our gut reaction to any death or trauma is denial.  It does not matter if it is the death of someone close or the death of a cherished excuse.  The reaction is the same.  And so it is that when anyone begins to shed their self-loathing and self-imposed limitations that others do not immediate cheer them on but instead seek to remind them of who they are and why they are that way.  Those closest to us may actually react the most harshly because they know our history and therefore it is easier to deny our changes than to accept them.

In the movie "The Matrix" the reality of this situation is driven home in a visible manner.  The heroes are those who have been 'unplugged' from the Matrix and who have come to liberate all the rest of the people whose minds are enslaved.  The 'Agents' represent the system that seeks to deceive and oppress mankind.  What is interesting is that Agents always manifest through the people that are still connected to the Matrix.   Our protagonist, Neo is warned:

"The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Business men, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it."

The same holds true for us.  When we unplug from the belief that success is for the special people we immediately become enemies of system of belief that surrounds us.  When we begin to demonstrate commitment to improve and overcome we become a thorn in the side of those who seek to remain the same.  We are adversaries to the safety of the status quo and those who rely on it will oppose us.

An form of self-actualization makes us a target.  So whether it is losing weight, starting a business, quitting a thankless job or any other noble ideal we should not be surprised by opposition even when it comes from those closest to us.  It simply is not fair to expect them to see things as we do.  They have not come to the same awareness.   Please understand their fears and insecurities and don't be surprised if they react unkindly.  Remember,  they are not 'unplugged' yet.

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” ― Albert Einstein
 

Breaking Bad… Habits

Breaking Bad… Habits

©2014 Scott Wilson

No matter what the goal, we have all experienced setbacks in our life that were entirely due to our own poor actions. When starting out towards a new goal it is quite natural and wise to make some changes and start some new actions that we intend to develop into positive habits.　 Creating new positive habits is just one challenge but in the long run commitment and repetition will eventually yield results in those areas.　 The difficulties of discovering a new and better path and walking it is another discussion in itself.

For those of us who have found a new path it is not so much the creation of new improved and constructive habits and activities that tends to trip us up. It is our well-worn bad habits, poor attitudes and negative thinking that so often sabotages our noble efforts and saps our resolve for success.　 When losing weight, we might be counting calories and getting active but it is that midnight craving that catches us unaware.　　 When we start a new enterprise, it is not acting on the good ideas and constructive plans that sinks our boat; it is the negative thoughts, self-doubts and dwelling on initial mistakes that will torpedo our efforts.

So it is fair to say that breaking bad thought patterns and habits is obviously an important factor in our quest towards success in any endeavour. One thing that should be recognized is that bad habits are natural.　 Bad habits and negative thought patterns develop like any habit, by continual repetition over time. 　Destructive patterns themselves usually arise as a poor response to normal difficult situations. For example, let us look at smoking.

Most people knew that smoking was unhealthy and unwise when they started. Many began smoking to ease a difficult social situation.　 The smoking made the person accepted with a friend or group. The person sanely reasoned that they were in control of the substance and this was true initially.　 As time went on smoking actually fulfilled a need to pacify anxiety and the nicotine soothed emotions.　 Eventually the person lost control over cigarettes, biological cravings ensued and the action of smoking became mindless and habitual.　 However, smoking did fulfill a positive role at first, allowing the person to control their anxiousness and gain positive social acceptance.

It helps to understand that the root of all negative habits, both physical and mental, was once positive or in some way beneficial. The problems spring from the unintended negative consequences of the actions that resulted from the initial choices.　 When breaking a bad habit, it helps to determine what situations trigger the thoughts and actions of the habit.　 Our smoker might keenly crave a cigarette most frequently during social or stressful situations.　 In this case, the person seeking to break the habit would need to prepare for anxious situations that trigger temptation.

Since all habits are both formed and maintained through repetition the key to elimination is by breaking the cycle and maintaining increased periods where the habit is deprived. I doubt there is anything new or revolutionary about what I will have to say on this matter but I hope that I can present it in a unique way that better helps you to understand and apply it. Here are four methods that can be used to deal with negative patterns:

 Replace
 Remove
 Resist
 Reward/Reinforce

Replace: One way to eliminate a poor habit or thinking is to replace it with a beneficial one. If the role of the poor habit is understood then a preferable action or thinking can be implemented in its place. If a habit like smoking or eating is triggered by social situations or anxiety then soothing the anxiety itself should be addressed. Some people have had success with sugarless chewing gum in these situations. They keep an ample supply of gum with them and use it when the craving for food or cigarettes arises in social situations. We humans soothe ourselves in many ways. Sometimes stress can be relieved by squeezing a squishy ball. Other times, some people overcome feelings of anxiety by mentally imagining themselves in control and in a different environment. Each situation is unique. Find the trigger of the craving and creatively address it, meeting your specific needs.

When negative thoughts are part of the negative pattern then sometimes a physical object can be used to help refocus the mind. Place items around your environment that remind you of the thinking and attitude that you want to foster. These can be pictures, quotes, or anything that you can use to keep your mind and heart on track when they get distracted. We can keep an object in our pocket or close at hand that reminds us of a quote or idea that counteracts our negative attitudes when they arise.

For instance, we might feel like a failure in social situations, being constantly reminded of our imperfections and disappointments. A counter-measure against such thinking might be to keep some reminder of a past victory in your pocket. Perhaps you have a medal or small award from a past successful achievement. If not then purchase one and use it to fix such an event in your mind. Seek to remember your victories in this life, no matter how few or small that they may seem.

Remove: Whenever possible we should completely eliminate the elements that support a negative pattern in our lives. With cigarettes and alcohol people generally completely eliminate these materials from their lives. In food addiction, this often means eliminating a particular food type that is problematic or eaten mindlessly. In bad thinking, removal means catching a negative thought pattern when it arises, acknowledging its destructive nature and choosing to completely deny the validity of the thought. Removal can be very effective in severing bad habits if it can be maintained. It is also the most challenging method to employ.

Resist: Resistance is not futile! Sometimes negative habits cannot be entirely eliminated. Problems with food consumption are not solved by simply starving yourself. In these cases we need to regain control over the thought or the action. Many poor habits are mindless. They arise without warning and catch us unaware. At these times it is best if the temptation can be postponed or delayed so that it cannot be immediately satisfied. If you have locked a tempting food in a drawer and you are required to take a few minutes to first retrieve the key then the delay and increased effort may give you time enough to think about the habit and reconsider if it is something that you truly want to indulge.

Resistance can also mix in an element of removal. If there is something that you do not want to eliminate but you do want to control then you might want to ‘fast’ from the habit for a while. You might feel that the TV has become a bad habit for you because you simply spend too much time watching it but you do not want to eliminate it altogether. One way to regain control would be to abstain from television completely for thirty days to break the habitual element. You could then introduce TV back in measured amounts, say one hour a day.

The best way to resist negative thoughts and attitudes it with truth. Let say that when encountering difficulties someone becomes reminded of all the times that they have failed. The fear of failure may loom large in their heart. This challenge can be met if the person mentally prepares so that they can remind themselves that not even trying is merely failure by default. Or they could understand that any failed attempt is still a chance to learn about themselves and improve so that the next attempt will have a better chance of success. The key to resistance here is to prepare our minds in advance for the battle that our hearts will wage against us. In these cases we can even keep cue cards in our pockets with written reminders about ourselves – important positive truths that we have learned or that others have identified about us. Again, get creative. Find ideas that support and remind you about the good and noble truths that you seek to manifest and maintain.

Reward/Reinforce: Rewards and incentives can work powerfully to help us change our minds and habits. The key to rewards is to make them achievable and meaningful to you. If a reward is simply unrealistic then you will become demoralized trying to achieve it. If a reward is not meaningful then you won’t put in the effort to gain it. Incentives can be used to extinguish a poor behaviours or they can be used to reinforce new and better ones. In a given period you could either allot a number of times that you want to achieve a good activity or a maximum number of times that you will allow a negative behaviour to occur. Again, the choice is yours. Whatever it is, make sure whatever you give yourself is worth the effort that you will need to achieve it.

So that is it. Those are my simple tips to help break bad habits that seek to undo our best efforts. As stated earlier, we all encounter road bumps in ourselves along the journey to a better place. Be gentle with yourself. Beating yourself up for a bad habit actually reinforces it. The effort and focus that the activity is given rewards our minds for engaging in the pattern. Instead, look on your bad habit with compassion and remember that it once rewarded you before its consequences caught up with you. Take the necessary steps to think through the negative pattern and address the cause with Replacement, Removal, Resistance and Reward. With perseverance, one day you will look back and wonder what happened to that old bad habit of yours.