Zen and the Art of Lodging a Successful Complaint: 10 Simple Tips

Zen and the Art of Lodging a Successful Complaint: 10 Simple Tips

©Scott D. Wilson 2014

At first blush one might think this strange topic of discussion. The reality is that in this life everybody needs to lodge a complaint at some point in time. I am not advocating the habit of griping. It is well recognized that habitual complaining is an unhealthy practice that hurts our emotional and mental well-being. But every so often we must stand up and seek correction for problems that others have created for us. It is to this end that I speak and offer...

Ten Tips for a Successful Complaint 

#1 Keep the goal in mind!

First off, keep in mind that the objective of your complaint is to obtain a remedy from your intended audience. Your words and actions must not sabotage or jeopardize this simple goal!  You will need as many allies as you can to gain this objective so do not make unnecessary adversaries.

#2 Keep it civil & remain gracious

Every person that you encounter, whether in writing, in person or on the phone could be the one who solves your problem.  Being gracious keeps others at ease and relaxed. If the individual feels safe then he or she will not become defensive and resistant to your request for assistance. The minute you indulge in angry behaviour you will begin to lose influence in the situation. No matter how you are treated remain above reproach. Nobody likes a bully so don't become one. 

#3 Win their empathy

You don't just want the person helping you to merely understand your situation.  You want them to empathize with your concern.  Explain to them why you chose their product or service.  Make them understand your reasons for choosing their company instead of someone else.  If you are a long time loyal customer then make that clear to them.  You used their service or bought their merchandise for some reason.  Tell them the things that you like or even love about their brand and their products.

They are not dealing with a disgruntled and hostile customer.  They are dealing with loyal but frustrated friend who believes in them and their company.  When you finally need to explain your problem use words that show that you expect them to know how you are feeling:

• You understand how it would be to have this happen...
• You can imagine how I felt when...
• If you had this happen to you I know that you would feel..

If this is not your first encounter to correct the situation explain clearly and calmly the steps that you took to seek help and the response that you have received so far. Remember, you are trying to make them understand and relate to you and the matter that you wish to remedy.

#4 Stay on their side

Whatever happens, do not become hostile.  Service personnel deal every day with angry and hostile customers and it is not pleasant for them.  People avoid that which is unpleasant.  If they believe that you are against them then they have a huge uphill battle to win you back as a satisfied customer. 

If you remain confident that they can satisfy you and express your belief that they can address your problem then they will remain engaged and continue to seek avenues assist you.  They do not want to lose someone who is on their side.  They know that making unsatisfied will cost them now and possibly future business and reputation.  Good businesses seek to protect their reputations.

#5 Help them to help you

Again, explain clearly and with as little blame as possible the situation that you wish to correct.  Remember the objective.  You bought the item or service for some specific purpose; maybe they can offer something else that still meets or even exceeds your needs.  If you are speaking directly with someone then perhaps you can brainstorm options with them.

For example, if you have a broken widget and you want them to correct this then ask them about various replacement options.  Perhaps they could strike a deal where you upgraded to a different or more powerful widget that still meets your needs for very little or no extra expense.

#6 Flattery will get you everywhere

The people that you are dealing with are used to being abused by irate customers.  They develop a kind of hardened shell against criticism and insults.  In contrast, they are are put off balance by people who compliment them and empathize with their situation.  Often these people are given a script that they have to follow and they may feel somewhat impotent in their ability to satisfy your needs.

Bear in mind that these service personnel usually have a limited power to provide solutions so they will appreciate when you empathize with their frustrations.  Many of the people in these positions are trying their best to offer assistance.  Be honest in your appreciation of their efforts to help you.

#7 Find the person with the power & don't be afraid to go to the top

Sometimes the person you are dealing with does not have the power to fix your problem.  If the person is honest with you and admits as much then be understanding but ask if there is a way to get to someone with more authority.  Many companies have Customer Retention groups who have the power to authorize much greater discounts or replacements.  If you have done your utmost and exhausted most of your options then consider moving to the top. 

There are ways to get the e-mail addresses of Vice Presidents, Presidents and CEOs.  Here in Canada the Industry Canada web site sometimes lists the contact information for the principle officers of corporations.  If you are direct and polite you may be pleasantly surprised by the responses that you receive from these powerful executives. 

#8 Be reasonable and flexible - negotiate

Every issue is different. Pay attention to the context of your problem. You may start by expecting the party that you are speaking to provide a complete refund or replacement.  That may not be practical or even possible. Try to see the matter from the perspective of the company with which you are dealing.  Be prepared to think sideways. Instead of providing like for like they might propose something similar or related. 

For example, a cellular company might offer a different brand of phone to replace your device or they may offer a lesser phone but provide instead a lot of normally expensive services for free.   Weigh the offers carefully. Remember, being reasonable and flexible will allow the other parties the leeway to move and come up with creative alternatives. 

#9 Get creative - use leverage as a last resort

If you know that the corporation that you are dealing with has another service or product that you need or use then perhaps try negotiating for an equal value alternative to your original purchase.  You are looking to remedy a problem with something that you purchased. Remedy comes in many forms. 

When negotiating get creative. Does your personal network lend you any leverage?  Are you a member of an organization that could influence the company that you are dealing with?  Do you know media personnel or groups that would be interested in your story?  If the answer to any of these questions is 'yes' then tread lightly. Anything that may be viewed as threatening to their reputation evokes defensive behaviour and makes negotiations adversarial. You would no longer be on their side.  Introduce this kind of leverage only if nothing else has yielded results. In the end be prepared to follow through; don't make empty statements about your influence. 

#10 Be generous with gratitude and praise when you succeed

When you have had bad service I am sure that many of you have written bad online reviews or shared your poor experience on social media. Virtually everyone knows the video and song "United Breaks Guitars."  Well, all too often we forget that the opposite should be equally important. If you have managed to get a good resolution then you should be equally open with praise. Write and tell the people that you have dealt with about your experience. Keep it positive and offer genuine praise.  Remember your parent's admonition to always say thank-you.  Not only is this the right thing to do, it will also pay dividends for all future interactions with this group

I hope these tips have helped you.  If you use them and get results please let me know.  I am eager to get feedback as they have served me very well over the years!

Letting go of Right

Letting go of Right

©Scott D. Wilson 2014

We all want to be right.  It is natural.  Our primary reason for wanting to be right is because we logically assume that if we are not right then we must be wrong.  We believe that there exists a single unchallengeable objective truth; all other views are therefore wrong and false.  Sadly, this is an error and it is one that causes a lot of grief.  The closest way that I can illustrate this fallacy is with colour.


It is illogical to assume that if something is not white then it must be black.  Just as right and wrong are logical extremes so too are black and white.  White the is actually a mix of all visible light colours while black is the absence of all these same colours.   So it is with right and wrong.  Rarely are we as humans discussing things that are truly cut and dry.  We may think that things are either black or white but that is rarely so.  Just as white light is made up of the various primary colours so too can right have different aspects as well.


By this analogy one could not argue that red is more white than say yellow.  Both colours are equally elements of white light.  The same thing frequently holds true when we argue over what is right and wrong.  More often than not we are usually debating the difference between one element of right and another one.  We are, in effect, discussing red and yellow and arguing that one is more white than the other.  We do this at our own loss; for in so doing we frequently lose the opportunity to learn something about ourselves and our opponent.


Because of the many facets of truth it is impossible for any one person to obtain a monopoly on truth.  As illustrated with the analogy of colour, truth has many facets.  What can make right and wrong, truth and error even more tricky is the fact that many truths exist within paradox.  I am an electrical engineer so I will choose a physical paradox to illustrate this one: light.


Depending on how you choose to observe it light acts either as a particle or a wave.  That fact is paradoxical because particle and wave models cannot be reconciled to each other. The truth is that we truly do not know what this means in regards to light.  The best physics can come up with is that light exists in an undetermined wave/particle state until we try to observe it.  So saying that light is a particle is equally true and false, right and wrong.  It is likewise in regards to light as wave.  Once again, our premise that there must be one correct view and all others views are wrong is proven in error here.


As I stated before, our need to be correct is strong and natural.  No one wants to be in error.  The light paradox should alert us to the fact that often truths are personal based on the observer.  What is right for me may not necessarily be right for you.  Each of us has an obligation to test the validity of things and ideas for ourselves.  We cannot have others do this for us by proxy.  Our experience and view is unique to us and to us alone.


For example, I have a relationship and view of my eldest sister that will in some ways be in complete contradiction to that of her husband, her children or my mother.  My truths about her will only work in the context of our unique relationship as brother and sister.  Those views will no longer be entirely right from someone else’s standpoint.  My sister and I will be confident in those truths between us; we do not need to be right in the eyes of other people.  It therefore becomes important to understand that what is true for us may not be true for others.  Likewise, what may be true in some context is not true in all circumstances.


Confidence in our own truths is another thing which aids us in letting go of right.  If you are truly confident that you are right then you should not feel an obligation to prove it to everyone else.  The need to convince others of our correctness often springs from a lack of conviction on our part.  If what you believe is true then you should be confident that eventually that truth will be revealed to others without the need for your to convince them.  This shows confidence in the nature of our truth.  We need to allow others to find the truth for themselves because in the end it is not right to seek to control them nor to rob them of responsibility for their own lives.


Fear of being wrong is unhealthy and can actually blind us to the truth.  We often invest much time and effort based on what we deem to be right.  This investment can make us biased.  The scholars who worked hard making mathematical models of the solar system with earth at the centre were  hardly open to ideas that Galileo presented.  A sun-centred model meant they had wasted much of their careers.  We all naturally react this way.  In this case, the scholars’ models were wrong and Galileo was right.  Had the scholars been brave enough to consider themselves capable of error then they might have seen the truth in Galileo’s observations.  Do not let fear of error blind you.


My last point in favour of abandoning the need to be right comes from Dale Carnegie in his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”  In it he writes:

“You can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.”

The statement may seem to contradict itself but it does not.  We cannot win an argument with someone without making them feel diminished and inferior.  The person’s ego will rebel and it is unlikely the person will be truly convinced of your truth.


There is a psychology experiment where an unfocused image is projected on a wall and the participants in the experiment are asked to guess what the image may be.  In one scenario the participants’ beliefs are challenged and in the control group no comment is given on the person’s guess.  The image is slowly brought into focus and the participants are either challenged or merely questioned on their guess.  The results of the test are remarkable.


Those who were only continually asked what they saw were eventually able to see the actual image when it was brought into focus regardless of what they initially guessed about the image.  However, those who had their guesses challenged became more and more entrenched in their view and often continued to argue their guess even after the image was brought into complete focus.  Some participants could not actually admit when their guess had been completely incorrect.  The experiment showed that the act of arguing itself had actually reinforced the initial views of the parties even when the final outcome had concretely disproven their initial beliefs.  

So even when we win at being right, we lose.  In our efforts to be right we can actually make it harder for others to see the truth that may be plainly before them.  Just like our muscles, beliefs tend to grow stronger under resistance.  This is a counter-intuitive truth.   A better approach in such conflicts is not to nay say but rather inject “Yes and…”  Agree with their truth and present your own views.  By agreeing first we prevent the resistance that will sabotage an open discourse.


In conclusion, it would seem that our need to be right in the eyes of others usually has destructive consequences for ourselves and others.  Truth needs to be seen in context and we need to appreciate that our own truth may not completely translate to the point of view of others.  We need to seek truth and understanding for ourselves and allow others the freedom to do likewise without undue influence.  We should not fear error, but remain open to correction.   Respect the views of others and instead of tearing away at their understanding offer instead your truth to stand beside theirs as an equal.


Letting go of right can go a long way towards peace in ourselves and with others.  We still must find what is right and correct for ourselves.  However, speak your truth quietly and you will find that your influence will extend much further than it ever would by winning some debate.

A Perfect Moment: Moving Towards Self-Actualization

A Perfect Moment: Moving Towards Self-Actualization

 

©2014 Scott Wilson

 

Have you ever had a perfect moment? Some soldiers experience a moment in combat where the battle 'crystalizes', time slows, and they are able to do exactly what needed to be done to stay alive and keep their teammates safe.  I have these moments too but not always in dangerous or stressful situations.  In fact, the one I wish to discuss was quite the opposite.

 

 

It is a day in October 2014. My youngest daughter is twelve years old.  On this day she had a friend over to play. Since the night was drawing late we dragged ourselves off to the truck, and my daughter and I unceremoniously drive her friend back to home.  We drop off her friend so now it is just my youngest and myself wending our way back home through the inky darkness.  The radio is rambling on when it suddenly switches to the song “Crocodile Rock” by Elton John.

 

 

Instantly, the moment crystalizes as my little girl and I begin crooning the lyrics to “Crocodile Rock” together and happily bopping to the beat. It is a moment of sheer joy as we connect together through the notes of a song.  As I look over to her I can see the simple pleasure in her body and her features.  She is simply a young girl just having fun with her dad.  If any cares had existed they have all melted away for both of us in this instant of time.  The world has vanished.  There is just the two of us and the song.

 

 

It is almost like an out-of-body experience as time slowed down and I actually experience myself observing my own moment like I am some disconnected external viewer.  I am suddenly a young teenager back in the 70’s and a present day father all at the same time.  Here is my daughter, the same age as myself when I first sang this song.  This simple music with its catchy tune and peppy lyrics has resonated through the years and generations connecting us in the here and now.  In this moment I feel blessed. Blessed for my own childhood but also blessed for my own child and the joyful time that we can share.

 

 

I do not know if my daughter will ever remember this night but I believe this moment will stay with me forever. It had a brief but powerful impact on me and I am grateful.  Our time on this globe is brief but I swear that we can pack eternity into a single moment if we just let go and allow ourselves to experience it.

 

 

This is not the first time that I have experienced such moments but this is the first time that I have written about one.  In writing about this I came to realize what had occurred.  I had undergone a ‘peak experience.’  The famed psychologist Abraham Maslow was one of the first scientific minds to study this phenomena.  Here is one definition of peak experiences:

 

 

Peak experiences are described by Maslow as especially joyous and exciting moments in life, involving sudden feelings of intense happiness and well-being, wonder and awe, and possibly also involving an awareness of transcendental unity or knowledge of higher truth (as though perceiving the world from an altered, and often vastly profound and awe-inspiring perspective).

 

 

The realization took me by surprise.  I had known about such events, especially those of the successful people that Maslow and others had studied.  Yet I did not immediately recognize these events in my own life as peak experiences.

 

 

Maslow believed that peak experiences were beneficial in our efforts toward self-actualization.  In Maslow’s research of people who were mature and psychologically healthy he found that peak experiences played a strong role in their lives.  To me, that simply meant that this experience was validation that I am on the right path towards becoming who I am meant to be.  In short, it was further evidence of ongoing success.

 

 

Maslow so believed in the importance of peak experience that he began to teach classes that aimed to help people to obtain them.  Maslow felt that our success in life itself could be measured by the frequency of these events. For this reason, I likewise encourage you to develop the conditions that will produce an environment where such events can more readily occur.  Here is a list of actions that Maslow himself proposed to help people on their own path towards peak experiences and self-actualization:

• Experience life like a child, with full absorption and concentration;
• Try new things instead of sticking to safe paths;
• Listen to your own feelings in evaluating experiences instead of the voice of tradition, authority or the majority;
• Avoid pretense ('game playing') and being honest;
• Be prepared to be unpopular if your views do not coincide with those of the majority;
• Take responsibility and work hard;
• Try to identify your defenses and have the courage to give them up.

I personally can say that my peak moments have always occurred when I was truly in the present moment with no cares for the past or anticipation of the future – a child-like state.  My inner voice was utterly silent; the dialogue had stopped. 

I have described to you one of my perfect moments.  It is my hope that you find your own ways that help you to experience such times of clarity and joy.  Maslow himself believed that peak experiences did not require mediation or esoteric practices.  Perfect moments are all around us and available in the here and now.  With that in mind I’d like to close with Abraham Maslow’s very words on the experience of peak moments:

“The sacred is in the ordinary...it is to be found in one's daily life, in one's neighbors, friends, and family, in one's own backyard...travel may be a flight from confronting the sacred — this lesson can be easily lost. To be looking elsewhere for miracles is to me a sure sign of ignorance that everything is miraculous.” — Abraham Maslow

Stop trying to be happy! Just enjoy life! (From guest blog at www.makeyoursomedaytoday.com)

Stop trying to be happy! Just enjoy life!

©Scott D. Wilson 2014



Everyone wants to be happy, right? I mean as far as goals go this one seems to be right up there on most people’s list. The United States constitution even guarantees the right to pursue happiness. So much of the modern advertising industry is built upon the premise of selling the elements that deliver happiness. It is safe to say that trying to be happy is definitely a common priority within our society.

People do many things in their unending efforts to become and remain happy. They seek friendship, love, romance, marriage, children, fame, fortune, spirituality, god and so much more all hoping that these will lead to lasting happiness. It is my observation that all of these things have at best fleeting success in attaining happiness.


Every single one of the ideals that I have mentioned above is mixed with joy and pain, happiness and sorrow. The best friendships will still occasionally disappoint. Romance waxes and wanes. Marriage and families are filled with great joys and heart-crushing events. Even religion and spirituality do not grant immunity to the trials and pains of life.


And yet mankind spends an amazing amount of time and effort chasing the dream of happiness. In this powerful pursuit we demonize sadness and depression. North America is an abundant and rich country where we enjoy a standard of living that far exceeds that of over 60 percent of the world. Still Americans currently spend an estimated $11.3 billion dollars annually on anti-depressants, consuming more per capita than any other nation. American use of anti-depressants skyrocketed 400% from 1988 to 1994. We go to great pains to avoid being unhappy in any way and in the process we treat almost all sadness as an illness.


So what is wrong? Why can’t we seem to lay hold of this ultimate prize despite our herculean efforts? We have material wealth and security like no other nations but we are failing at the very pursuit that our predecessors nobly guaranteed for us. It actually seems that the harder we try obtain happiness the more difficult it becomes to obtain. I actually believe that this principle holds true, and so I propose that it is truthfully our very quest for happiness that causes the problem.


We live in an impermanent world. All things that live will die and everything that is created eventually decays and fails. Why then do we expect our happiness to be permanent? In Zen Buddhism it is believed that our attachment to objects in this ever-changing world that leads to sadness and frustration. There is much truth to this belief, however even detachment will not guarantee happiness just as an absence of pain does not guarantee pleasure. So the problem of happiness remains.


I propose that we release our iron grip on the pursuit of happiness and instead focus our pursuit on joy. No, I am not just playing with semantics. Joy is defined as the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires (from Merriam-Webster). I believe that it is the last part of this definition that is telling: ‘emotion evoked by… the prospect of possessing.’ There can be joy in the pursuit even if the item pursued is not obtained. I would go so far as to say that we can actually enjoy pursuing happiness even if we fail in that pursuit!


I further submit that joy supersedes happiness. As my father lay in pain dying of bone cancer in I enjoyed our much of our time together and so did he. Despite all that my father was experiencing he still enjoyed the simple pleasure of a cappuccino from a local coffee shop. Were we happy? No, not at all. That did not stop joy. In my life and in others I have seen joy in the midst of sorrow, pain and even death.


We need to allow ourselves the ability to experience joy. This often involves slowing down and actually paying attention to and experiencing our lives. We can have goals and quests for worthy ideals but we need to expect that there will be bumps on those journeys. Let not our pursuits rob us of our joy. I have observed people in pain struggling to be happy at Christmas, the supposedly happiest time of the year. In their struggle, these poor souls not only fail to obtain happiness but they deprive themselves of their joy.


Can we still pursue happiness? Yes, but don’t expect to catch it and keep it. Happiness will come and go, and that is alright. Do not run from sorrow especially when the seasons of life call for it. Hold fast to joys, especially the simple ones. Joys can be our greatest treasures in times of tribulation. At all times take pleasure in kindness, smiles and love. In this challenging life, when happiness seems so far off, remember that there can still be great joy in the journey.