The Cure for Bad Déjà Vu

The Cure for Bad Déjà Vu 

“You can’t undo the past…but you can certainly not repeat it.” –Bruce Willis

A wise man once said to me “History is nothing more than collection of lessons never learned.”  Alas, I sadly believe that he was correct.  Even individually we tend to live each day as if the previous ones had very little to add.  If I were to ask you what yesterday taught you would you have an immediate reply?  How about last week, month or a year ago?  If we are healthy people then we should be growing and growing means continuous learning and change.  We should be using our past properly to improve ourselves so as not to repeat its mistakes.

Unfortunately, it is my observation that we humans have a strong tendency to repeat negative cycles.  In short, we seem to have propensity for reiterating the errors of the past.  Like a patient teacher, life keeps giving us similar situations over and over, day after day, in the hopes that we will eventually learn the lessons and then move on to different challenges where we will then obtain new knowledge and diverse experiences.  If you are honest with yourself you will see that your own behaviours set the stage for a great deal of what you experience during the day.  If negatives are repeating then you are the most significant common factor in the equation.  Personally, time and time again I have experienced some painful situations that I could not seem to avoid until I finally saw and acknowledged my own role in their creation.

Nobody likes déjà vu when it comes to their past mistakes.  While we certainly are not the cause of all our own misery, when it comes to chronic situations we almost always play a very significant role.    Unfortunately, it is quite natural and easy to see and blame external causes for all out mishaps: if this hadn’t happened, if she hadn’t done that or if they wouldn’t say that.  It’s like the Joni Mitchell song Both Sides Now, “So many things I would have done but clouds got in my way.”  We are all talented at making excuses for what we have neglected.  We fail to see that it is this brilliant talent that helps to feed our cycle of repeating our past gaffes. 

It may sound egotistical or even masochistic but there is great value in taking personal responsibility for your outcomes regardless of the situation or the actions of others.  If it is all your fault when something doesn’t go as you planned then you have all the power to fix it because you have significant ability to make changes to yourself and your behaviours.  If it is something or someone else’s fault then you have far less influence over them and therefore you have less chance of improving your outcomes.  Taking back your responsibility is very empowering.  You do not need to own the behaviours and responses of others but you can certainly be frank with yourself about your own actions, reactions and choices.

Break your past situations down into the choices that you made.  Determine if you could creatively make different options for yourself that you did not perceive at the time.  Use your imagination to come up with alternative responses the difficulties that you encountered.  This is almost a form of mental and emotional martial arts.  Life situations present us with decisions in the same way an opponent’s actions require response.  If we practice sparring in a safe place and objectively analyze our performance then we can develop tactics that better ensure our outcome in future conflicts.  We learn when to block, dodge, push, pull or simply move out of the way completely. This is true in both physical and metaphysical situations. When an encounter throws an emotional or mental jab at you then can unlearn your clumsy unhealthy habitual responses and instead apply some skilled countermoves.

There is a cure for bad déjà vu.  By learning from it we can determine how not to repeat our past. If we do this then we obtain something far better than undoing our previous errors.  We will obtain new and better life skills and start to rid ourselves of negative patterns that we may have developed.  By practicing this we can become black-belts in overcoming the past and then we will move on to new and different lessons in the dojo of life.

©2018 Scott D. Wilson

Perfect Imperfection

●●●Perfect Imperfection●●●

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” ―Albert Einstein

The wise person realizes that we can only ever know an infinitesimally small percentage of the vast reality which surrounds us and we can understand even less. In that awareness of the universe the wise one knows how ignorant and foolish he or she truly is.  Meanwhile, the average person generally misguidedly accepts his or her limited understanding for reality itself and finds frustration when that understanding is challenged.

Einstein was correct, human ignorance or stupidity is infinite.  We can never possibly hope to grasp a complete understanding of all that exists everywhere in this unending universe.  Likewise, one man or woman within their limited lifespan can only hope to master and comprehend of a miniscule fraction of all that can be experienced and understood.  Even among our chosen fields of expertise we can never sit down and proclaim our perfection of any ability.

I graduated as an electrical engineer in 1990 and yet I never expect to be the perfect electrical engineer.  I got married in 1991 and still I doubt that I will ever be a perfect husband.  I have been writing for decades and I highly doubt that I will ever perfect my craft.  Yet many keep striving day in and day out to “get it right.”  Whether it is their career, family matters, financial success, weight loss or other worthy pursuits, so many people long for the day when everything just clicks into place.

Our lives simply do not work that way.  It is not about finding the perfect spouse, the perfect job, the perfect parenting method, the perfect diet and exercise or the perfect life.  When we choose this viewpoint then the goalposts will always be moving and we will find ourselves constantly dissatisfied and disappointed.  Our ideals will torture and haunt us instead of spurring us on to improve.  We never learn to celebrate improvements because they fall short of our ultimate expectation.  Goals become drudgery and dreams become nightmares.

This thinking is so commonplace that a great many people feel trapped, desperate and demotivated.  It is no wonder that many quit their goals.  Understandably, a wiser gentler path is not apparent to them.  And so I hope that my words act as a kind of map that helps you to find this different side-street.  There is joy in discovering a way that realizes that perfection is process, not a destination.  One can discover peace of mind on a trail that rejoices in each step forward, no matter how small.  Life can follow a journey where dreams and goals shine brightly before us, leading us on a winding and adventurous pathway.  We can follow road that has abandoned getting it right and embraced getting it better.

If you are one who finds themselves hoping for their life to just start working perfectly one day, please consider that your very desire is causing you grief.  Entertain the idea that personal progress is a better means to keep one motivated and moving forwards.  Use your ideals wisely and you can find perfect contentment amidst imperfection when you come to realize:

“Life is not about getting it right.Life is about getting it better.” –Me

Cheers!
©2017 Scott D. Wilson

Are you offensive? Yes, good!

Are you offensive?  Yes, good!

By Scott Wilson

“Action Offends the Inactive” –Chris Shugart

I have covered an aspect of this subject once before using the analogy from the film ‘the Matrix’ and becoming unplugged.  However, my focus was more about projecting our own expectations upon others than about their reactions towards us.  I would like to cover here something that surprises so many people who seek to make improvements in their lives.

If you have set a goal and you are visibly putting in the effort daily to achieve that goal then I have news for you:  You are offensive to many of those around you.   Yes, you heard me.  You are a thorn in the side of some of your friends, family and acquaintances.  You are going against the flow.  Who do you think you are?  What makes you think that YOU deserve something better than everyone else?  What makes you special?

Sure, the people that you know may not actually make these statements but their words and actions will reflect the sentiment.  A colleague will make sideways comments about your improvement efforts.  A loved one will subtly discourage you from proceeding with your commitment to better yourself.  There will be some strong push from peers to go along and conform to the norm.  It surprises many people that the ones that are closest to them are often the source of their worst discouragement and temptations to quit.

You see, if you are successful in your efforts then others who see you will ask themselves “Why can’t I do what he or she did?” That is a very uncomfortable question.  If you can improve and succeed then that means that they will need to take responsibility for any lack of success and improvement in their own lives.  You are and they aren’t.  In effect, you actions are pointing an accusing finger at their inaction and that is offensive.

Most people want to live relatively comfortable lives free from blame and responsibility.  They are where they because that is where everyone is and that is okay.  Their environment is responsible for all that they have or do not have.  They merely react in response to what is around them.  They did not ask to be born into the life that they are living.  They are simply doing the best with what they have.  Only the special, the lucky, the fortunate and the blessed get anything different.  Good and bad happen by chance and so they are content to be in the middle above the poor and suffering but also below the few prosperous and successful.  Average is just fine for them.

There is nothing wrong with this.  Living a passive life is quite acceptable and billions do it successfully every single day.  Most of the services and systems of our society are geared towards the average person and so this quiet acceptance is encouraged.  However, if anyone wants to leave this comfortable middle ground their efforts are questioned by those around them.  Why unnecessarily risk failure?

Another reason for people’s negative reactions towards you will be fear and resistance to change.  People like to label things.  It makes life easier.  Much of our identities are tied to the labels that have defined us.  Change upsets that.  For example, if you have always been conservative and down to earth and suddenly you start behaving in an excessive and risky manner this will confuse people.  So it is also when we seek to improve.  It will evoke fear to those closest to you.  They will wonder if they truly know you.  They may be concerned that this new and improved version of you may not want to be with them anymore.  They will then act and speak out of this anxiety either consciously or unconsciously.

Whether it is a poor reflection upon themselves or a fear of your changes, those who know you best can be expected to be a source of difficulty for you when you start following a dream or pursuing a goal. This is normal. Accept that you have become offensive to them through no fault of your own.  Don’t be hurt by their comments or actions.  It is a reflection of their own insecurities.  In truth, their responses have very little to do with you.  Instead, take such poor behaviour as proof that you are going in the right direction.  Use such potentially discouraging incidents as fuel to keep you moving on the better path.

Cheers!

©2017 Scott D. Wilson