Measuring Success

Measuring Success

©Scott Wilson 2015

This being Valentine's Day my subject will be somewhat intimate to me. I wish to speak towards success in life as a whole. My subject is one of the most remarkable people that I have ever had the privilege to know.

Growing up, my friend had a difficult time in home that suffered emotional turmoil and neglect mixed with bankruptcy, divorce and instability.  She had some struggles in school and several of her teachers as much as told her that she was just not capable in some subjects. Her parents did not support nor did they encourage her academic efforts.  At sixteen, she struck out on her own, heading to live at a college more than an hour's travel from home.

Finally, in college she found some friends and an environment that supported her dream to graduate one day from university. Teachers were now more responsive in helping. And with some tutoring in areas where she had struggled she soon began to excel. Home and its chaos still occasionally spilled over into her path but she pressed on with growing confidence.  It was there that my friend found love, a young man who lived near the college. He saw in her someone who persevered and overcame so many obstacles.  He loved her fierce passion and strong family values despite so much around her that acted to snuff it out. Together they dreamed of forging their own family and future.

After graduating college the pair went off to Ottawa to study at university together. Four years later they both had the honours degrees that they had so dilligently sought. Next marriage and work followed - this took them further from their birthplaces and families as they struck out together into new and foreign territory. His career began as technical professional and she became a support worker. It was then that both happiness and tragedy stuck. They were told they could not conceive normally but were overjoyed when they learned that she was expecting twins - something they both had dreamed about. But their joy was crushed with pain as they suffered a miscarriage and their deeply anticipated twins Sarah Anne and Amy Anne lived but a day.

In there darkness a light arose and she conceived again. This time a healthy boy arrived one year to the day that they lost their beautiful daughters. And then again there came great difficulty and struggle when a horrid woman at a support group falsely accused my dear friend of abuse. Amid the turmoil and betrayal my beautiful comrade wrote a powerful letter of forgiveness to her accuser that touched the hearts of several people.

In time their family grew to six.  And my young heroine sought to give her children the best by teaching them from home. And under here loving care their children proved to be bright and full of life.  Unfortunately, time and biology took their toll. A new challenge arose in the form of mental health struggles. My brave lady presses on to this day  fighting this terrible challenge within herself.

The children are all good and responsible citizens at various stages of life. By all standards the family is a success. Yes, they struggle with bills and daily difficulties but all in all they have no real significant setbacks.  But still my good friend feels a failure at her life. Happy healthy kids, a kind considerate husband of nearly 25 years and a decent home all attest to her powerful drive to make her desires into reality and to keep going. Despite poor family role models and a difficult start she managed to successfully navigate the dangerous landmines of life.

I so wish my friend could see herself and her family differently. Both she and our society tend to judge with a harshness thay guarantees failure for almost everyone. By now you may have guessed that my friend is my wonderful and talented wife. I am torn apart when she criticises her achievements and belittles all that she has done. She is still a beautiful soul to me, with so much to be proud of and so much more promise ahead of her. Today, I think of her and I am so grateful for all that she has given me over our lives together and I am proud of all that she has overcome.  Her ruler does not measure achievement as mine does but that is okay.  Like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life" I suspect that one day she may find a kinder and gentler way of measuring success, one that we all can benefit from discovering!

Designed to Succeed: The Final Notch

Whether reaching the point of decision or nearing our goals we all find ourselves changed for the better.



Designed to Succeed: The Final Notch: The Final Notch ©Scott D. Wilson 2015 It should be clear to us all that success is not a destination but rather a choice and proc...

The Final Notch

The Final Notch

©Scott D. Wilson 2015

It should be clear to us all that success is not a destination but rather a choice and process.  In our journey of success there are moments that will forever mark our path. What follows here is some of my thoughts on such events.  I present them here to encourage those who strive for self-improvement.

In April 2013 I reached the last notch.  I was wearing 40 inch waist pants and they were tight. My leather belt was on its last notch. I vowed that I would not buy another belt or a larger pair of pants.

It was then an there that I returned to an application that I had discovered, LoseIt, with the intent to learn control of my food intake and improvement to my activity levels. I knew this was no diet. This was going to be a fundamental change to my relationship to food and exercise. I was no longer going to be a victim to my appetite. To those unfamiliar to such websites and applications, LoseIt.com is a company that helps people to count the calories in their food and to learn the energy burned by activity and exercise.

Fast forward to today. I have again reached the final notch. There are only 5 notch holes in my belt. They are about one inch apart. So I have moved 4 notches down or 4 inches. And the belt is getting loose. I am 'only' down 25 pounds. I am now below 20% body fat. I can run up 3 office flights of stairs without being winded. I fluctuate a bit but I am consistently down. I lost weight this past December. I eat whatever I desire as long as it meets my budget. To me, this is true freedom.

Do I want to lose another 20 pounds?  Yep, eventually. For now, I am happy to have a new problem. I guess I need a new belt soon and I need to replace some pants. I am keeping this belt though. It will serve as my dual reminder of hitting 'the last notch.'

Would I say my journey towards better health has been successful?  Yes, and the owners of LoseIt must believe this too because they have made me a moderator on their site so I can help others on their own journeys. It is my hope that all folks seeking to lose weight and improve their health will soon share my particular belt 'problem.'

Whether it is weight, health, fame, fotune or any noble goal it is important to reach that final notch. Whether starting out or nearing the destintion I hope that you have all reached your own 'last notch.'  I applaud you regardless of which 'last notch' it is!!!!

Ghosts of the Past

Ghosts of the Past©Scott D. Wilson 2015

"The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior." — Dr. Phil

Well, it is 2015, a new year.  January is classically the time to reflect on the past and look towards the future.  I have quoted above the the popular maxim of television personality Doctor Phil McGraw.  From a straightforward context this statement seems completely sound.  Our past is usually a good way to forecast our future.  Generally this is true but specifically it can and will break down.  The burning question that arises from this adage is:  Does our past define us? Have our past choices locked us on a certain and inevitable course?

The answer depends fundamentally on how we view existence. If we are mere biological machines mindlessly reacting to the stimuli of our environment then we are certainly doomed to follow a hapless path of consequence and reaction till we die. Like a mechanical device, our behaviour would be governed by a set of rules, complex or otherwise, and so we would predictably follow a given path from birth to death based on action and reaction. This is the view of many scientists today. If this is so then we are all victims of circumstance and fate.  Our past has locked us on auto-pilot.

Indeed, many people do live predictable lives. They are puzzled by their own reactions and choices. They live many days but experience little difference and rarely learn from their own experiences or those of others.  These unfortunate folks follow life like a dream, letting it take them where it may, hoping that it does not become a nightmare and occasionally hoping they will wake up.  Doctor Phil is correct about such people. They definitely prove the adage about the past and reinforce the scientific view of causality.

Fortunately, there is much evidence to show that we each retain a powerful ability, and that is the option to choose. We always have the opportunity to choose a different path for our life. We can learn from our successes and failures, as well as those of others. With careful consideration we can opt to move away from the choices of the past and put into action different possibilities and open new unconsidered doors of opportunity.

Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith were drunks. Their past decisions had locked them into a wreckless addiction with alcohol. They were both on paths that would have brought sickness and ruin to their lives. Medicine had told them they would either die of alcoholism or become confined to an assylum. One day the two met, fell into conversation and became friends. Together they discovered a different path that changed their lives and ended their slavery to drink. Their choices created a new way for addicts and from their work, today we have Alcoholics Anonymous.

We do not need to be a slave to our past. The past may haunt us but it does not have the power to define us. We all hold the spark of creation within us. Our future is not built for us.  We can build something new today. We can make new pathways. We can say goodbye to our ghosts!

“My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me.”  ― Steve Maraboli

Becoming "Unplugged"

Becoming "Unplugged"

©Scott D. Wilson 2014

"It is both beneficial, noble and healthy to be an idealist and to pursue improvement. It is however naïve, delusional and unhealthy to expect others to equally adopt and reflect these same ideals"

As of late, the contrast between ideals and expectations seems to be surrounding me.  I see it's effect on so many lives.  Our understanding of our surroundings dictates not only how we see the world but also what we expect from it.  Because our world is all around us all the time we take much of it for granted.  One big mistake that we all make daily is to assume that others experience and understand life in a manner similar to our own.

For example, we might value kindness and seek to be kinder. We then expect all others around us, say family, friends, acquaintances and co-workers, to operate from the same principle.  Is this realistic?  It is even fair?  If someone had been abused throughout much of their life with little exposure to gentleness then their view of kindness might be drastically different than someone who has been raised in a nurturing and caring environment.  It would be unreasonable to hold these two examples to the same standard of kindness.

I would like to use a more concrete example.  What about expecting others to view weight loss and our need to be healthier in the same way that we do?  I am a moderator on a web site that helps people to change their lifestyle, lose weight and become healthier.  Many people who come to the site are puzzled and even upset when their friends, family and colleagues are ambivalent, questioning or even adverse towards their efforts to lose weight and get healthier.  It greatly perplexes them that all their associations are not synchronized with their beliefs  about becoming healthy.  Why wouldn't they want them to become fit?

The answer to this question is not all that surprising but most fail to see it.  The reactions of our associates are not about us as individuals.  Their reactions are a reflection upon themselves.  The average person is unfortunately fairly insecure and unrealistically self-conscious.  They view the world as somewhat hostile and antagonistic, hence the common idiom "It's a jungle out there."  They are keenly aware of all their flaws and failings and the world tends to remind them that they are not smart enough, pretty enough or successful enough.

To protect themselves from depression and despair most people rationalize their current state.  Success is for the few, the fortunate and the favoured.  It is not their fault that they are fat, poor or whatever.  That is just the unlucky hand that life has dealt to them.  Unfortunately, this view is continuously challenged by those who rise above their circumstances.  Remarkable people remind us all that we actually have the ability to take control of our lives.  The common man or woman does not want to acknowledge this because it would mean that they are responsible for their life and where they are presently.  This realization does not empower them to act.  It makes them despair.

Our gut reaction to any death or trauma is denial.  It does not matter if it is the death of someone close or the death of a cherished excuse.  The reaction is the same.  And so it is that when anyone begins to shed their self-loathing and self-imposed limitations that others do not immediate cheer them on but instead seek to remind them of who they are and why they are that way.  Those closest to us may actually react the most harshly because they know our history and therefore it is easier to deny our changes than to accept them.

In the movie "The Matrix" the reality of this situation is driven home in a visible manner.  The heroes are those who have been 'unplugged' from the Matrix and who have come to liberate all the rest of the people whose minds are enslaved.  The 'Agents' represent the system that seeks to deceive and oppress mankind.  What is interesting is that Agents always manifest through the people that are still connected to the Matrix.   Our protagonist, Neo is warned:

"The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Business men, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it."

The same holds true for us.  When we unplug from the belief that success is for the special people we immediately become enemies of system of belief that surrounds us.  When we begin to demonstrate commitment to improve and overcome we become a thorn in the side of those who seek to remain the same.  We are adversaries to the safety of the status quo and those who rely on it will oppose us.

An form of self-actualization makes us a target.  So whether it is losing weight, starting a business, quitting a thankless job or any other noble ideal we should not be surprised by opposition even when it comes from those closest to us.  It simply is not fair to expect them to see things as we do.  They have not come to the same awareness.   Please understand their fears and insecurities and don't be surprised if they react unkindly.  Remember,  they are not 'unplugged' yet.

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” ― Albert Einstein
 

Psst!

Psst!

©Scott D. Wilson 2014

Psst!  You… yeah you!  I have an amazing secret!  I know the simple trick to be happy and enjoy life on a regular basis!  Wanna know my secret?

Ok, well my secret is pretty simple. There are three essential keys to happiness and enjoyment that you should practice every day. I could summarize them for you but then you might miss the importance and subtleties of each part. So please indulge me as I reveal each element one at a time and explain their application an value. 

Key 1: Be Productive

Productive is a loaded word. What may seem productive to one may seem far less so to another. In this case I would define productivity by giving something back to the world. As an office worker you could be productive through the work that you get paid to do. As a stay at home parent you could view productivity through the activities that you do to make your home and family a blessing to your community. Remember to have a vision of the bigger picture and put yourself in it! If you are a secretary at a doctor’s office you are not writing a reports or filing papers, you are saving lives and healing people. The doctor could not do what he or she does without the efforts of his staff.

Think about the incredible Notre Dame cathedral in France; it took 182 years to build. Those who designed it never saw its completion. If the each person had simply seen themselves as a bricklayer or a carpenter then the work would have seemed dreary indeed, but if each could see how they were contributing to a masterpiece and a timeless work of art then how much better their labour would have seemed! 

Another image that comes to my mind on this matter is camping. When we go camping with our family we try to model and urge our kids to “Leave the campsite better than you found it.” We clean up rubbish and fix whatever things that we can fix. We owe this world so much it does not take much to give a little back. Do not limit productivity to your job or your career. You can be productive merely by smiling at everyone that you meet today. You personally will know that you have been productive if you can look back on what you have been doing during your time on this globe and see that somehow you impacted it and left it better than the way you found it! 

Key 2: Be Creative

Now right here I want to stamp out the notion that creativity and innovation is the property of the crafts and the fine arts. That is ludicrous! Every career and every occupation can employ invention and imagination. Whether you are a garbage man or a CEO you can be creative with your time. Being unique and novel in your approach to a job gives the activity colour and lustre. No matter what it is we can place our own distinctive signature upon it. Lack of creativity in any chore robs it of energy and makes it dull and grey. Any job can become repetitive drudgery no matter how interesting the work may be if we simply “put in time.” 

According to a study cited by Robert McGarvey in his work “Creative Thinking,” 84% of children in Kindergarten rank high in creativity, while 10% rank high in creativity in grade 2.  Unfortunately, our conventional education system has been shown to cause people to lose the ability to think in divergent or non-linear ways. We are literally robbing ourselves of our creativity! The good news is that no matter how young or old you are, you can still rekindle you flame of creativity. To start, be willing to experiment. Ask “What if…” and then try it! Seek to do things differently. Imagine innovative ways to perform daily duties. Whether it is how you brush your teeth to the way you write reports, try something new. An important thing to remember when you embark on your creative journey: Do not be afraid of making mistakes. Fear always withers imagination. Mistakes are opportunities to learn and improve.

Learn to observe yourself as you do things. Look at your habits. Some habits are good but learn to break habits and change routines. Observe your environment and learn from people and things that grow. Inspiration comes from everywhere and anywhere. We have lots of examples how great minds have been stimulated by simply paying attention to and being mindful of the world around them.

Key 3: Grow

Growth means change. Real personal change is generally scary. We are comfortable being just the way we are right now. Change usually involves unknowns and fear of the unknown is a universal human factor. Growing is generally uncomfortable and usually challenging. We need to change our boundaries and question our limitations in order to change constructively. For most of us, the concept of growing seems awkward. After all, aren’t we ‘grown-ups?’ We cringe remembering our teenage years and how awkward we were. Also for many, childhood was not a safe and nurturing period.   Imperfect parents struggling with their own demons can leave scars on us that make us anything but fond at the prospect of revisiting the concept of development.

To illustrate my point, imagine if you were a caterpillar who had been happily munching on leaves and lazily climbing along branches when one day someone comes to you and says that it is time for you to make a change. The individual further explains that you will need to find a safe spot away from any of your predators and you will need to build a cocoon that you will rest inside for a week or two. Finaly, you are told that when you emerge you will be a thin creature with six skinny legs and beautiful wings. You will elegantly fly from flower to flower drinking the nectar of the blooms. I don’t know about you but I’d be pretty freaked out by that story. I’d be telling this person “Thanks but no thanks!” Yet we know this change is natural and normal for a butterfly.

We are not butterflies but we are capable of personal metamorphosis. We see it every day in the heroes around us: the grandmother who got her bachelor’s degree, the teenager who started a charity for homeless kids across the world, or the addict who finally sought help and overcame their demons. Everyone can grow. All it takes is facing our fears and overcoming them little bit each day.

I encourage you to get uncomfortable every day. You can even sit down and write out a list of your fears and then see which ones you can take action to conquer. Your greatest dreams often lie waiting behind your daily fears. How many lost opportunities and regrets will it take for you to finally take a chance on something that you have imagined? I truly believe that so many of us have untapped potential that we fail to explore because we let the views of others and our own excuses get in the way. I, for one, do not wish to reach the end of my days with a heart full of “if only’s” and “I wish I had’s.”

A large part of growing is learning.  Never stop learning.  Whenever possible seek learning opportunities.  Teach yourself something new or make a discovery every day.  Learning helps keep us feeling young and vital!  It is a basic fact that once we stop learning that we stop growing.

Well, that’s it. My three keys for happiness are simple this:

Every day…

• Be Productive!
• Be Creative!
• Grow!

It is that straightforward. Ok, I admit it. I have one more key to happy and joyful living… Have fun! I only add this one here because I do not think that you can do all of the above every day without having fun. Perhaps I should simply state that fun is the catalyst that makes all the elements work! Sure you can do any one component on its own without having fun but I think that it takes fun to put them all together. So there it is: have fun! It may not be the meaning of life the universe and everything but I assure you that if you truly pursue these fundamentals of life daily that you will learn about yourself and your world. You will discover the extraordinary amidst the ordinary, and you will find your own unique path among the stars. I do not guarantee you a life free from trouble or sorrow but I can guarantee that you certainly won’t sleepwalk through your days. And to that end I wish you well in this incredible adventure that we call life!

Powerful Choosing

Powerful Choosing

©Scott D. Wilson 2014

I am extremely blessed to have stumbled upon a fellow that I must credit as my mentor. We have long discussions about everything under the sun, but oddly none of it is truly small talk. My friend can turn conversation on a dime and we suddenly connect several concepts that no one in their right mind would normally put together.  He has a powerful mind and an a sharp wit.  Like a Zen master he can ask a question that will immediately enlighten you when you try to answer it.  I have written this introduction because I want to relate to you a powerful idea that he once shared with me.

I believe that we had been discussing some matter of interpersonal conflict in which I was involved.  He paused thoughtfully, looked straight at me and said the following: 

"There are only two paths: We can either seek to control the world (others) or we can seek to control ourselves.  We cannot do both.  In the end, it is not truly a choice.  For if we earnestly seek to become masters of others and this world then we will eventually come full circle and find that we must first master ourselves."

To many this particular concept may not seem that revolutionary but for me that moment crystallized my understanding of so much of my struggles.  We each see the world through our own experience, fraught with pains and toils, love and joy.  From our selfish vantage we seek to forge or discover some peace and happiness.  In the process, we strive to take control of our environment so that we might bend it to our will and our view of what is right and wrong.  We want our surrounding to support us and our views.  We do not want to be hindered.  This is where our troubles so often begin.

In this idealistic quest we often believe "If only the world was this way then..." or "If only he/she was this way then..."  We want what we want and we expect the world around us to conform to our needs and desires.  In our mind we have rationalized all our beliefs.  There are logical reasons for all our decisions.  Surely everyone should see with clarity the correctness of our viewpoint!  If we are correct then by extension all other options must be incorrect.

And so we argue and push and strive to make others and our world conform to what we believe it should be.  We even make our own satisfaction contingent on achieving this feat.  We make statements like "I will be happy when..." or "If only this was the case then everything would be fine."  We put off peace and personal happiness until we have control of all the variables.  In our quest to control everything about us we fail to control ourselves and our own thoughts and emotions. Our own fears and thoughts betray us and unravel our efforts to succeed.

 I saw the futility of all of my struggles in an instant when my friend made his simple statement. My quest to manipulate my world was foolish.  I truly had control over only one thing: myself.  And truth be told, I was not mastering myself very well.  I could be readily hurt or angered by others.  I was defensive.  I was fearful.  Who was I to tell others how they should think or act?

In that moment I realized that I was the one who needed to change, not the world.  The universe was unfolding in the manner to which it was designed.  I did not create this world so why did I believe that I knew how it should be?  I needed to walk my own path and that was hard enough.  It would be arrogant to believe that I knew better than others as to how they should live.  This was a significant step in letting go of my need to be "right."  

It has been several years since that day of revelation.  I still fall into conflict with others now and then.  I am after all an imperfect human being living in a less than perfect world.  I do however see my conflicts with different eyes and now I often ask myself what inside of me needs to change to  resolve my struggles.  I can look on conflict with greater dispassion, asking myself what each situation is trying to teach me.  My antagonists are not enemies that might strike me down; they are teachers with opportunity to enlighten me.  The choice truly is mine.

So does my tale ring true with you my reader?  What are you choosing today?  Do you want to rule the world?  Start with yourself. Choose well.

"I do my thing and you do your thing.

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,

And you are not in this world to live up to mine.

You are you, and I am I,

and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.

If not, it can't be helped."  —The Gestalt Prayer by Fritz Perls