Overcoming The Enemy in the Mirror

Overcoming The Enemy in the Mirror

“If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self.”
–Napoleon Hill

If I were only able to impart one brief idea to the world then I think the one above might just be it. As I watch people milling about living their lives as best that they can, I see one universal struggle: people fighting with themselves. Whether these people seek to get ahead, escape from life situations, discover meaning and purpose, achieve weight loss or whatever, their greatest struggles are rarely with their circumstances and the world at large but rather with themselves.

Even those who are disciplined and regimented seem to labour with this matter. Many who seem successful in general still seem to find comeuppance in some area of their lives. Meanwhile, the temptation is quite strong for each of us to externalize the various problems that plague our existence…

-If I had his or her connections then I’d have a better job.

-If I liked vegetable more I’d still have a good body.

-If I had their skills then I could be paid to do that.

-If I lived there then I would have it made.

-If I were lucky then I’d take those chances.

The issue is always our body, our workplace, our society, our situation, our family, our kids, our spouse, our friends and so on, ad nauseam. Heaven forbid that heart of the problem may well lie within our very own heart and soul. That would be unthinkable! Our mantra and fantasy is “Once everything and everyone else changes to what I want then I can finally succeed and be happy.” We remain perplexed by those who just seem to navigate this life with ease and accomplishment. Clearly, they must be special.

I know of no easy cure to this point of view and I believe it to be fatal. If it sounds familiar, this is also the addict’s mindset. A full blown addict sees all their problems as external and themselves as a victim. A struggling addict grudgingly admits they might have a problem but they are always waiting for certain circumstances to allow them to change and overcome them. However, unless an addict slams headlong into his or her problems and is forced to see the cause within then they will never have a chance to recover. Even this realization is only the first step in a life-long battle to overcome themselves.

So if we see ourselves as the problem then the question becomes, “How do we prevail in this struggle with ourselves?” Realizing that you have an enemy and that the enemy is within is one thing. Preventing that enemy for overcoming us again and again is quite another matter. Carved on the ancient temple at the Oracle of Delphi are the words “Know thyself.” The wisdom of these words has been recognized for centuries. We are not just a mere intellectual mind and consciousness bobbing along through the universe trapped within a meat cage. That view is simplistic at best.

We are a complex mix of conscious and unconscious reactions, emotions and perceptions. We are creatures of both emotion and thought, mind and body. What we do to our body affects our faculties to think, and what and how we think likewise affects our bodies. To truly know oneself is to understand one’s very heart and soul, the darkness and the light, our nobility and our cowardice… and to truly accept them.

The universe impartially accepts us as we are and has accordingly assigned consequences to teach us about ourselves and our actions. It is the ultimate training program, tailored to respond to our every action. The results we get teach us about ourselves, each other and this incredible time and place in which we live. The problems start for each of us when we want to control the training regime itself and the results that it is giving us.

We literally want to manipulate reality and its principles. We want wealth without work. We want fame without understanding the needs of others. We want fitness without effort. We want love and understanding without offering unconditional acceptance towards others and without confronting our own deeply personal fears. We want our hearts to submit to our minds without acknowledging our soul’s very real and significant needs and desires. Reality keeps responding otherwise and we continue to rage against it.

Like the addicts, we will continue to frustrate ourselves if we see all our problems outside ourselves. The desire to bend existence to meet our expectations will continually generate great grief and exasperation. It is the disharmony between our mind and the enemy in the mirror that sabotages all our efforts inside and outside ourselves.

As Napoleon Hill stated we must conquer our self or we will be conquered by our self. Yet too many would wrongly read this as the mind conquers and controls the body and the emotions by brute force and willpower. That is the rationalistic view. Yet mankind is NOT rational. Mankind is emotional. Before rational thinking, before concepts, before words we each experienced life through perceptions and emotions. That is our base or core operating system.

For our minds to succeed in directing our hearts our minds must begin to learn to think and operate at that primal emotional level. Taoist philosophers and martial artist speak of defeating enemies before they exist. Someone who makes no enemies is indeed a very successful martial artist. This truth exists both within and without. The mind does not overcome our spirit by raw willpower and opposition. Our emotions are patient. They will wait until our rational mind is weakened, tired and inattentive and then they will strike and overcome it.

Instead, we must use our minds to understand that emotions do not grow in vacuums. If we awaken our awareness to our bodies and our heart then they will tell us what frightens them and what they love. The wise mind then uses our loves and passions to fuel constructive behaviours and actions. Only a heart and spirit that is well fed, cared for and secure will gladly and willingly cooperate with logical mind.

It is possible to know ourselves – both our emotions and our thoughts. It is possible to minimize the struggling with ourselves. There are many paths towards that end if we seek them. For some it is meditation. For others it is mindfulness. Some require focused activities like yoga or tai chi. Some read and then quietly contemplate. Still others use prayer. The key is to find out what works for you to get in touch with your inner workings.

Our unconscious or non-verbal selves can communicate with us but we need to create the circumstances that allow them to be heard by our ever-babbling brains. We need to invest time in ourselves to better understand our own personal spiritual, emotional, social, physical and intellectual needs. Fears and worries will dog us and thwart our logical goals if we do not face them, understand them and overcome them.

If you struggle finding a path for yourself then look to those who are graceful and harmonious in their lives. These people have discovered how to peacefully unite their hearts and their minds. They do what they want and they want what they do. Content with themselves they continually strive to improve and grow. They understand their own foolish thoughts and actions and the foolish ideas and actions of others. They express compassion towards themselves and to all those around them. Listening and aware, they properly feed their hearts as well as their minds. They are at peace internally and externally. Seek out such people and their wisdom, as they have subdued their selves and with this new ally they boldly and successfully face their fears and undertake to build their dreams.

When you find your life and your goals and plans are frustrated resist the temptation to blame the world. Gently accept your role in creating your circumstances. Become teachable and let the universe impart to you its often difficult and painful lessons. Find the path to understanding the emotional and non-verbal sides to yourself. Discipline your mind to listen to your body and your spirit. Learn to meet all your personal needs. Discover the ways to harmonize your mind with its internal and external environments. Then will you be able to successfully conquer yourself and overcome your adversary in the mirror by transforming them into a comrade.

©2017 Scott D. Wilson

Anticipate Weakness

Anticipate Weakness

©2015 Scott D. Wilson,P.Eng.

 

No matter what noble goal we pursue there will come moments of weakness where will we be tempted to throw in the towel or to simply derail our progress by doing something counter-productive.  For the person trying to lose weight it will be that time late at night, fatigued, lonely and down. That will be when the refrigerator or the cookie jar will sing with its irresistible siren song.  For the new entrepreneur it can be around the time that the novelty wears off, enthusiasm peters out and their confidence begins to wane. Or perhaps the feeling of despair sets in when the first significant challenge rears its head and seems insurmountable.   In short, the urges to give in and give up are pretty well universal to all who set goals and set out to succeed.

 

The lesson is that everyone falls prey to moments of weakness so we should anticipate these moments and do our best to prepare for them.  When we set out we always envision ourselves motivated and energized from that point onward.  This is an unrealistic expectation of ourselves.  We need to be kinder to our future selves and help them prepare for the moments of weakness and temptation.  Under present conditions we need to empathize with those under the strain to conform and to take the path of least resistance.  What tools could we give them to help them succeed?  What information could help them to stay positive and motivated to continue?  It is best to ask these questions now when there is no pressure or urgency.

 

If we each had an enemy that we knew was going to attack us some time in the future where we are at our weakest then we would be crazy not to take precautions against them.  We might hire security, train in self-defence, purchase weapons, travel in groups for safety or some other protective measures.  We would certainly not ignore the future threat.  In this case we are actually being pursued by an extremely dangerous enemy and that enemy is ourselves.  We know that they will hit us when we are most vulnerable so it makes sense to prepare now while we are strong.

 

There is another way to understand this idea in concrete terms.  We do our best to maintain our vehicles.  Nonetheless, many of us keep emergency kits in the car so that the effect of unexpected breakdowns is minimized.  Likewise, it is prudent to have disaster kits in our homes for emergencies and first aid.  It would be unwise to start a long quest in the wilderness without a survival pack.  I am suggesting something similar here.  We need to prepare a kind of emergency kit for motivation and determination.  For example, our midnight snacker might pack a distraction in their kit.  They think of food while bored and lonely so the kit might be a game or book or movie or something that they would enjoy more than a snack.  Reserve this item specifically for emergencies so that it is a truly worthwhile distraction.

 

Whether dieting or starting a new business  or any self-improvement goal, the emergency kit will need to be personal and it will need to help keep us in the right direction.  There is no one pat answer that will help for everyone.  Our entrepreneur might write down a list of reasons why they want to pursue their business and keep it in their kit.  Another might list all their talents and assets that support their goal.  Still another might keep recommendations and commendations from various sources that affirm their objectives.  The point is to get creative.  Use pictures, videos, songs, audio, mementos, cash, a list of friends to call, special objects… anything that will shore you up and help you to stay the course when your moments of weakness hit.  The effectiveness of your emergency kit will be proportional to the effort that you put into it while preparing. It also goes somewhat without saying but remember that this is an emergency kit.  It is to be used as weapon of last resort. The more it is used the less effective it will become.  This device is to help you when you are most in need of it.

 

I should also mention that our emergency kit does not necessarily need to be physical.  Martial artists train in repetitive cycles call katas, taolu or forms.  It is this repetition that prepares them to act appropriately when encountering an enemy.  This training and preparation is done when no threats are present.  It allows the people to be prepared and confident when a real opponent strikes.  Since we are talking about mental and emotional battles with ourselves then the fight will be taking place in our mind so it is there where we can also make preparations.  Mottos, maxims, prayers and quotes that reverberate within us can also serve to bolster us when weakness hits.  Again, these are personal so each one of needs to find something that we can repeatedly bring to mind that will help our thoughts, our spirits and our hearts.

My point in this diatribe is to encourage you to anticipate the worst in yourself.  Do not hold unrealistic expectation of your abilities and motivation.  Humbly admit your weaknesses and failings.  We all suffer from self-doubt and loneliness at different times.  Nobody alive is free from temptation.  However, these darkest hours need not be our downfall if we anticipate and prepare for them.  Take the time today while you are in a good place and your goals are clear and certain.  Work and plan to help yourself to remain on course for your goals when the windy trials and tribulations of life seek to shipwreck you and blow you off course! 

Becoming "Unplugged"

Becoming "Unplugged"

©Scott D. Wilson 2014

"It is both beneficial, noble and healthy to be an idealist and to pursue improvement. It is however naïve, delusional and unhealthy to expect others to equally adopt and reflect these same ideals"

As of late, the contrast between ideals and expectations seems to be surrounding me.  I see it's effect on so many lives.  Our understanding of our surroundings dictates not only how we see the world but also what we expect from it.  Because our world is all around us all the time we take much of it for granted.  One big mistake that we all make daily is to assume that others experience and understand life in a manner similar to our own.

For example, we might value kindness and seek to be kinder. We then expect all others around us, say family, friends, acquaintances and co-workers, to operate from the same principle.  Is this realistic?  It is even fair?  If someone had been abused throughout much of their life with little exposure to gentleness then their view of kindness might be drastically different than someone who has been raised in a nurturing and caring environment.  It would be unreasonable to hold these two examples to the same standard of kindness.

I would like to use a more concrete example.  What about expecting others to view weight loss and our need to be healthier in the same way that we do?  I am a moderator on a web site that helps people to change their lifestyle, lose weight and become healthier.  Many people who come to the site are puzzled and even upset when their friends, family and colleagues are ambivalent, questioning or even adverse towards their efforts to lose weight and get healthier.  It greatly perplexes them that all their associations are not synchronized with their beliefs  about becoming healthy.  Why wouldn't they want them to become fit?

The answer to this question is not all that surprising but most fail to see it.  The reactions of our associates are not about us as individuals.  Their reactions are a reflection upon themselves.  The average person is unfortunately fairly insecure and unrealistically self-conscious.  They view the world as somewhat hostile and antagonistic, hence the common idiom "It's a jungle out there."  They are keenly aware of all their flaws and failings and the world tends to remind them that they are not smart enough, pretty enough or successful enough.

To protect themselves from depression and despair most people rationalize their current state.  Success is for the few, the fortunate and the favoured.  It is not their fault that they are fat, poor or whatever.  That is just the unlucky hand that life has dealt to them.  Unfortunately, this view is continuously challenged by those who rise above their circumstances.  Remarkable people remind us all that we actually have the ability to take control of our lives.  The common man or woman does not want to acknowledge this because it would mean that they are responsible for their life and where they are presently.  This realization does not empower them to act.  It makes them despair.

Our gut reaction to any death or trauma is denial.  It does not matter if it is the death of someone close or the death of a cherished excuse.  The reaction is the same.  And so it is that when anyone begins to shed their self-loathing and self-imposed limitations that others do not immediate cheer them on but instead seek to remind them of who they are and why they are that way.  Those closest to us may actually react the most harshly because they know our history and therefore it is easier to deny our changes than to accept them.

In the movie "The Matrix" the reality of this situation is driven home in a visible manner.  The heroes are those who have been 'unplugged' from the Matrix and who have come to liberate all the rest of the people whose minds are enslaved.  The 'Agents' represent the system that seeks to deceive and oppress mankind.  What is interesting is that Agents always manifest through the people that are still connected to the Matrix.   Our protagonist, Neo is warned:

"The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Business men, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it."

The same holds true for us.  When we unplug from the belief that success is for the special people we immediately become enemies of system of belief that surrounds us.  When we begin to demonstrate commitment to improve and overcome we become a thorn in the side of those who seek to remain the same.  We are adversaries to the safety of the status quo and those who rely on it will oppose us.

An form of self-actualization makes us a target.  So whether it is losing weight, starting a business, quitting a thankless job or any other noble ideal we should not be surprised by opposition even when it comes from those closest to us.  It simply is not fair to expect them to see things as we do.  They have not come to the same awareness.   Please understand their fears and insecurities and don't be surprised if they react unkindly.  Remember,  they are not 'unplugged' yet.

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” ― Albert Einstein