The Gain Within Pain

_____The Gain Within Pain____

“Every problem or difficulty you face contains the seed of an equal or greater advantage or benefit.” –Napoleon Hill

Maybe I am odd but I got used to this viewpoint when I was young.  Yes, there may be exceptions.  Yet the vast majority of the time I have found that our troubles hold the beginnings of our greatness, the nuclei of our success.

Think of the caterpillar.  Great energy and effort go into the creation of a cocoon or chrysalis.  The creature goes from daily foraging, eating and avoiding predators to spending weeks cooped up and inactive as the painfully slow processes of metamorphosis take place.  If it has thoughts does it grow impatient day by day?

Ah, but all that work and waiting one day results in a complete transformation.  In one final struggle and momentous effort, our earthbound worm frees itself from its bonds to finally take flight.   We cannot know the thoughts, if any, of a caterpillar.  Nonetheless, it is clear that process that transforms an awkward worm into an elegant butterfly or a moth involves sweat and difficulty.  Yet that labour is the beginning of greatness for the creature as it leaves behind its former limitations.

What are you facing today?  Is a slow tedious process teaching you patience?  Is a difficult and stressful situation instructing you on perseverance?  Is an interaction with a harsh and difficult person coaching you on tolerance and kindness?   Is exhaustion and despair showing you the need to say ‘no’ others and to address your own welfare?  Look at your struggles.  They are not merely curses and deficits.  If you stay open to possibilities then you will see within your trials the buds of possible metamorphosis.  If you let it, your patient overcoming of a situation can literally transform you to soar beyond your current existence and expectations.

©2017 Scott D. Wilson

The Special

The Special

©2016 Scott D. Wilson,P.Eng.

Most here are aware of my affinity for the movie ‘The Matrix’ and its concepts.  Those reading the title of this article who have children will already have an idea about what other film I want to discuss here today.  The term “The Special” refers to the film ‘The Lego Movie.’   For those unfamiliar with this movie I can summarize it this way.  The film draws many parallels to my cherished Matrix.  Most noteworthy is the journey of the main characters.  In the ‘Lego Movie’ the rebel group is looking for “The Special” and in ‘The Matrix’ they are looking for “The One.”  In ‘The Matrix’ Neo, or Thomas A. Anderson, struggles to understand that he is the special person with unique abilities to perceive and change reality.  In ‘The Lego Movie’ Emmet struggles with a prophesy that has labelled him “The Special” and expects him to be a “Master Builder” and “the most interesting, and most extraordinary person in the universe.”

There are many other parallels that can be explored and both our heroes ultimately realize their full potential and end the oppression of their people.  However, ‘The Lego Movie’ diverges in one VERY significantly different way.  Neo is distinctly different and therefore special.  He acts and thinks in ways that are different from everybody else.  It is his uniqueness that makes him “The One.”  Emmet on the other hands is exactly like everyone else.  He is the quintessential nobody.  He blends in with everyone and he is uncreative and truly boring.  Yet he becomes “The Special” quite by accident when he falls down a hole while chasing a beautiful and mysterious woman.  Neo is a reluctant Christ figure but Emmet is every one of us.

Yet both our heroes transcend their perceived limitations and break free of the oppressive reality that enslaved them.  Both characters gain the ability to literally rearrange reality to suit their needs and to help those around them.  The difference that I noted is important because of this simple idea that Emmet realizes:

“You are the most talented, most interesting, and most extraordinary person in the universe. And you are capable of amazing things. Because you are the Special. And so am I. And so is everyone. The prophecy is made up, but it's also true. It's about all of us. Right now, it's about you, and you....still.....can change everything.”

Emmet realized the truth that what makes someone special is not some magical gift or talent or ability.  It is not something that some people fortunately have and that others unfortunately do not.   It is a choice that they make.  Every normal person has the ability to change the way they see reality.  Every one of us further has the ability to change that reality.   All of us have the capability to become “The One” or “The Special.”  We all can wake-up to the untapped potential within us and become astoundingly so much more than we are today.

This is an important realization that we all should think hard upon and act upon even harder still.  So many are looking for their Neo, a special unique saviour with super-powers, to come and liberate them from the mess of their lives.  All the while, what they truly need to do is realize that they are the special person that can make all the difference.   If they would only realize this simple fact they would become their own superhero, just like Emmet.  There are barriers.  I recognize this.  Knowing something with our heads is not the same as actually knowing and experiencing the truth of something.  

From the Kamasutra to the Kinsey Reports there is a lot of useful and wonderful information about human sexual intercourse.  We could spend years reading and fill our heads with the knowledge.  Personally, none of that information will ever compare to the experience of a bona fide orgasm with a trusted and loving partner.  Knowing the truth is not the same as acting upon it.  Knowing that we are special and that we can be special is the same kind of realization.  This reality needs to be experienced!  It requires us to act upon what we know in our minds and then experience the reality of this new situation that we create.  It is literally an act of faith… faith in ourselves.

To those out there hesitating, who do not believe that they have what it takes, I urge you to suspend that doubt and make an act of faith in yourself.  Act as if your dream is truly becoming reality.  I know that it will be fearful but I can personally guarantee that it can be equally wonderful.  Would you truly rather face the bitter of regret of opportunities lost?  Stop waiting for the one who will save you.  Become your own hero today.  Put on that cape!

Today, I want to also acknowledge all the superheroes in this life.  You know who you are.  You have grabbed hold of your life with both hands and you are riding it for all that it is worth.  You have taken back control where you once were enslaved.  You have gone from victim to victorious. You stopped making excuses and started making a difference.  You have learned to look at reality with new eyes and to in turn exceed the perceived boundaries that once trapped you.   And most important, you have openly shared and given back so that others can become heroes too.  You folks are “The Specials”, “The Master Builders”, and “The Ones” that make this world work... that make the journey special.  THANK YOU!

Fill a Need

Fill a Need

©2015 Scott D. Wilson
 

I want to tell you two remarkable stories.  The first story is that of a young intern back in 1991.  Like many of her ilk she works hard and long hours striving to learn all that she can to become a superb physician and ultimately a skilled surgeon.  During this time she is assigned to a critical care ward where she encounters and elderly patient whose illness is very likely terminal.  They chat and find a common bond in their passion for fly fishing.  Their relationship is limited to the regular brief encounters during the young physician’s daily rounds. 
 
One day the doctor notes that the patient’s demeanor is more subdued.  Her inquiry yields a heart-felt statement from the patient.  Tomorrow is his wedding anniversary.  For all of the 60+ years that he has been married he has never missed a wedding anniversary.  But now he is stuck in this bed unable to do anything for his beloved.  Saying nothing our diligent doctor politely takes her leave and moves on.
 
The next day, shortly after the elderly patient’s wife arrives for her regular visit a large bouquet of flowers is delivered to her under her husband’s name.  Our physician hears the joyful tale from her patient later that day.  With a tired smile she goes on her way.
 
My next story is that of another new physician.  However this lady is not so young.  For you see, she was first a nurse for several years before she decided to become a doctor.  This tale begins on a night shift.  A rookie nurse is working the palliative care floor.  The ink is barely dry on her certificate.  Our new physician is also on duty performing rounds when the frantic young nurse stops her in the hall.  An elderly patient is in the last stages of dying.  He has no family to comfort him in his last hours.  He is moaning and begging the young nurse for someone to just hold him.  This is our fledgling nurse’s first encounter with a dying patient.  She desperately looks to our physician for direction.
 
Without a word the fresh doctor quickly walks towards the patient’s room.  Then, to the astonishment of the novice nurse, the doctor careful climbs onto the bed and gently wraps her arms around the dying man.  And there in the room our nurse and doctor remain for several small hours till the old man passes from this world.  The impact on the nurse was significant.  She had never before experienced the likes of such a doctor.
 
Why do I spin these tales for you?  Because they a real, and because I see a lesson of success in their actions.  I am privileged to call the first doctor my sister.  The second wonderful healer is the daughter of my mother’s best friend.  In both cases these wonderful women saw a need and compassionately filled it.  They did not seek glory or recognition.  Indeed I would not know of them had they not been relayed to me by third parties.  Despite their authority and positions they did not feel these tasks were beneath them. 
 
In Disney’s film ‘Robots’ the protagonist falls in love with the catchphrase “See a need. Fill a need.”  The idea is that if we identify a problem then we are in probability also the person most able to develop the solution.  In the film the character’s desire to follow this ideal leads him on the path to success. The two ladies above perfectly lived this creed.  Their examples challenge me.  As I consider the most successful people in business and in life I realize that they too exemplified this truth.  Mother Theresa, Bill Gates, Alexander Graham Bell,  Nicolai Tesla, and others… they all saw needs and successfully filled them.  If we are to succeed in this life then we too should follow this pattern.
 
We all have unique talents and abilities.  We all look around and see this world’s many deficiencies.  Today, instead of hoping that someone else will fix them, perhaps we can turn it around and consider how we might be the necessary person to bless this needy world.  Like my two doctors, may we find our own way to quietly “fill a need.” 

Becoming "Unplugged"

Becoming "Unplugged"

©Scott D. Wilson 2014

"It is both beneficial, noble and healthy to be an idealist and to pursue improvement. It is however naïve, delusional and unhealthy to expect others to equally adopt and reflect these same ideals"

As of late, the contrast between ideals and expectations seems to be surrounding me.  I see it's effect on so many lives.  Our understanding of our surroundings dictates not only how we see the world but also what we expect from it.  Because our world is all around us all the time we take much of it for granted.  One big mistake that we all make daily is to assume that others experience and understand life in a manner similar to our own.

For example, we might value kindness and seek to be kinder. We then expect all others around us, say family, friends, acquaintances and co-workers, to operate from the same principle.  Is this realistic?  It is even fair?  If someone had been abused throughout much of their life with little exposure to gentleness then their view of kindness might be drastically different than someone who has been raised in a nurturing and caring environment.  It would be unreasonable to hold these two examples to the same standard of kindness.

I would like to use a more concrete example.  What about expecting others to view weight loss and our need to be healthier in the same way that we do?  I am a moderator on a web site that helps people to change their lifestyle, lose weight and become healthier.  Many people who come to the site are puzzled and even upset when their friends, family and colleagues are ambivalent, questioning or even adverse towards their efforts to lose weight and get healthier.  It greatly perplexes them that all their associations are not synchronized with their beliefs  about becoming healthy.  Why wouldn't they want them to become fit?

The answer to this question is not all that surprising but most fail to see it.  The reactions of our associates are not about us as individuals.  Their reactions are a reflection upon themselves.  The average person is unfortunately fairly insecure and unrealistically self-conscious.  They view the world as somewhat hostile and antagonistic, hence the common idiom "It's a jungle out there."  They are keenly aware of all their flaws and failings and the world tends to remind them that they are not smart enough, pretty enough or successful enough.

To protect themselves from depression and despair most people rationalize their current state.  Success is for the few, the fortunate and the favoured.  It is not their fault that they are fat, poor or whatever.  That is just the unlucky hand that life has dealt to them.  Unfortunately, this view is continuously challenged by those who rise above their circumstances.  Remarkable people remind us all that we actually have the ability to take control of our lives.  The common man or woman does not want to acknowledge this because it would mean that they are responsible for their life and where they are presently.  This realization does not empower them to act.  It makes them despair.

Our gut reaction to any death or trauma is denial.  It does not matter if it is the death of someone close or the death of a cherished excuse.  The reaction is the same.  And so it is that when anyone begins to shed their self-loathing and self-imposed limitations that others do not immediate cheer them on but instead seek to remind them of who they are and why they are that way.  Those closest to us may actually react the most harshly because they know our history and therefore it is easier to deny our changes than to accept them.

In the movie "The Matrix" the reality of this situation is driven home in a visible manner.  The heroes are those who have been 'unplugged' from the Matrix and who have come to liberate all the rest of the people whose minds are enslaved.  The 'Agents' represent the system that seeks to deceive and oppress mankind.  What is interesting is that Agents always manifest through the people that are still connected to the Matrix.   Our protagonist, Neo is warned:

"The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Business men, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it."

The same holds true for us.  When we unplug from the belief that success is for the special people we immediately become enemies of system of belief that surrounds us.  When we begin to demonstrate commitment to improve and overcome we become a thorn in the side of those who seek to remain the same.  We are adversaries to the safety of the status quo and those who rely on it will oppose us.

An form of self-actualization makes us a target.  So whether it is losing weight, starting a business, quitting a thankless job or any other noble ideal we should not be surprised by opposition even when it comes from those closest to us.  It simply is not fair to expect them to see things as we do.  They have not come to the same awareness.   Please understand their fears and insecurities and don't be surprised if they react unkindly.  Remember,  they are not 'unplugged' yet.

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” ― Albert Einstein
 

Breaking Bad… Habits

Breaking Bad… Habits

©2014 Scott Wilson

No matter what the goal, we have all experienced setbacks in our life that were entirely due to our own poor actions. When starting out towards a new goal it is quite natural and wise to make some changes and start some new actions that we intend to develop into positive habits.　 Creating new positive habits is just one challenge but in the long run commitment and repetition will eventually yield results in those areas.　 The difficulties of discovering a new and better path and walking it is another discussion in itself.

For those of us who have found a new path it is not so much the creation of new improved and constructive habits and activities that tends to trip us up. It is our well-worn bad habits, poor attitudes and negative thinking that so often sabotages our noble efforts and saps our resolve for success.　 When losing weight, we might be counting calories and getting active but it is that midnight craving that catches us unaware.　　 When we start a new enterprise, it is not acting on the good ideas and constructive plans that sinks our boat; it is the negative thoughts, self-doubts and dwelling on initial mistakes that will torpedo our efforts.

So it is fair to say that breaking bad thought patterns and habits is obviously an important factor in our quest towards success in any endeavour. One thing that should be recognized is that bad habits are natural.　 Bad habits and negative thought patterns develop like any habit, by continual repetition over time. 　Destructive patterns themselves usually arise as a poor response to normal difficult situations. For example, let us look at smoking.

Most people knew that smoking was unhealthy and unwise when they started. Many began smoking to ease a difficult social situation.　 The smoking made the person accepted with a friend or group. The person sanely reasoned that they were in control of the substance and this was true initially.　 As time went on smoking actually fulfilled a need to pacify anxiety and the nicotine soothed emotions.　 Eventually the person lost control over cigarettes, biological cravings ensued and the action of smoking became mindless and habitual.　 However, smoking did fulfill a positive role at first, allowing the person to control their anxiousness and gain positive social acceptance.

It helps to understand that the root of all negative habits, both physical and mental, was once positive or in some way beneficial. The problems spring from the unintended negative consequences of the actions that resulted from the initial choices.　 When breaking a bad habit, it helps to determine what situations trigger the thoughts and actions of the habit.　 Our smoker might keenly crave a cigarette most frequently during social or stressful situations.　 In this case, the person seeking to break the habit would need to prepare for anxious situations that trigger temptation.

Since all habits are both formed and maintained through repetition the key to elimination is by breaking the cycle and maintaining increased periods where the habit is deprived. I doubt there is anything new or revolutionary about what I will have to say on this matter but I hope that I can present it in a unique way that better helps you to understand and apply it. Here are four methods that can be used to deal with negative patterns:

 Replace
 Remove
 Resist
 Reward/Reinforce

Replace: One way to eliminate a poor habit or thinking is to replace it with a beneficial one. If the role of the poor habit is understood then a preferable action or thinking can be implemented in its place. If a habit like smoking or eating is triggered by social situations or anxiety then soothing the anxiety itself should be addressed. Some people have had success with sugarless chewing gum in these situations. They keep an ample supply of gum with them and use it when the craving for food or cigarettes arises in social situations. We humans soothe ourselves in many ways. Sometimes stress can be relieved by squeezing a squishy ball. Other times, some people overcome feelings of anxiety by mentally imagining themselves in control and in a different environment. Each situation is unique. Find the trigger of the craving and creatively address it, meeting your specific needs.

When negative thoughts are part of the negative pattern then sometimes a physical object can be used to help refocus the mind. Place items around your environment that remind you of the thinking and attitude that you want to foster. These can be pictures, quotes, or anything that you can use to keep your mind and heart on track when they get distracted. We can keep an object in our pocket or close at hand that reminds us of a quote or idea that counteracts our negative attitudes when they arise.

For instance, we might feel like a failure in social situations, being constantly reminded of our imperfections and disappointments. A counter-measure against such thinking might be to keep some reminder of a past victory in your pocket. Perhaps you have a medal or small award from a past successful achievement. If not then purchase one and use it to fix such an event in your mind. Seek to remember your victories in this life, no matter how few or small that they may seem.

Remove: Whenever possible we should completely eliminate the elements that support a negative pattern in our lives. With cigarettes and alcohol people generally completely eliminate these materials from their lives. In food addiction, this often means eliminating a particular food type that is problematic or eaten mindlessly. In bad thinking, removal means catching a negative thought pattern when it arises, acknowledging its destructive nature and choosing to completely deny the validity of the thought. Removal can be very effective in severing bad habits if it can be maintained. It is also the most challenging method to employ.

Resist: Resistance is not futile! Sometimes negative habits cannot be entirely eliminated. Problems with food consumption are not solved by simply starving yourself. In these cases we need to regain control over the thought or the action. Many poor habits are mindless. They arise without warning and catch us unaware. At these times it is best if the temptation can be postponed or delayed so that it cannot be immediately satisfied. If you have locked a tempting food in a drawer and you are required to take a few minutes to first retrieve the key then the delay and increased effort may give you time enough to think about the habit and reconsider if it is something that you truly want to indulge.

Resistance can also mix in an element of removal. If there is something that you do not want to eliminate but you do want to control then you might want to ‘fast’ from the habit for a while. You might feel that the TV has become a bad habit for you because you simply spend too much time watching it but you do not want to eliminate it altogether. One way to regain control would be to abstain from television completely for thirty days to break the habitual element. You could then introduce TV back in measured amounts, say one hour a day.

The best way to resist negative thoughts and attitudes it with truth. Let say that when encountering difficulties someone becomes reminded of all the times that they have failed. The fear of failure may loom large in their heart. This challenge can be met if the person mentally prepares so that they can remind themselves that not even trying is merely failure by default. Or they could understand that any failed attempt is still a chance to learn about themselves and improve so that the next attempt will have a better chance of success. The key to resistance here is to prepare our minds in advance for the battle that our hearts will wage against us. In these cases we can even keep cue cards in our pockets with written reminders about ourselves – important positive truths that we have learned or that others have identified about us. Again, get creative. Find ideas that support and remind you about the good and noble truths that you seek to manifest and maintain.

Reward/Reinforce: Rewards and incentives can work powerfully to help us change our minds and habits. The key to rewards is to make them achievable and meaningful to you. If a reward is simply unrealistic then you will become demoralized trying to achieve it. If a reward is not meaningful then you won’t put in the effort to gain it. Incentives can be used to extinguish a poor behaviours or they can be used to reinforce new and better ones. In a given period you could either allot a number of times that you want to achieve a good activity or a maximum number of times that you will allow a negative behaviour to occur. Again, the choice is yours. Whatever it is, make sure whatever you give yourself is worth the effort that you will need to achieve it.

So that is it. Those are my simple tips to help break bad habits that seek to undo our best efforts. As stated earlier, we all encounter road bumps in ourselves along the journey to a better place. Be gentle with yourself. Beating yourself up for a bad habit actually reinforces it. The effort and focus that the activity is given rewards our minds for engaging in the pattern. Instead, look on your bad habit with compassion and remember that it once rewarded you before its consequences caught up with you. Take the necessary steps to think through the negative pattern and address the cause with Replacement, Removal, Resistance and Reward. With perseverance, one day you will look back and wonder what happened to that old bad habit of yours.

Sticky Problems!

Sticky Problems!

©Scott D. Wilson 2014


Whether you are an illustrious business tycoon or a lowly street sweeper life is full of trials and problems.  Married or single, rich or poor, famous or obscure, the process of living presents us daily with challenges that we need to face.  Author and speaker Helen Keller once so eloquently put it:

“The struggle of life is one of our greatest blessings. It makes us patient, sensitive, and Godlike. It teaches us that although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”

Troubles are a universal part of the human condition and will continue to be so for as long as we exist.  Many make it their goal in life to avoid as many problems as possible but that is futile. It is far wiser to learn how to better handle the challenges that befall us.  I work as an engineer.  Engineers are often viewed as professional problem-solvers because they tend to have a knack for developing solutions to physical problems.  One thing I have learned is that how you look at a difficulty has the greatest effect on your ability to discover a solution to it.


I once took a driving course called "Skid School" where they purposefully put us in vehicles and caused them to skid and spin.  Our job was to skillfully apply what they taught us in the classroom to recover from the skids, regain control of the car and avoid hitting objects on the road.  The most valuable lesson that I learned from this experience was simply this:  We tend to hit the thing that we look at.


In driving, the instructors emphasized that many people unintentionally get stuck staring at an unexpected object that enters their driving path. The people then unfortunately tend to hit these random distractions.  During one lesson we drove a car down a slippery road and an instructor would move an object from either the left or right side and we had to avoid it even when the vehicle started to skid.


It is so instinctive for us to focus on the problem when it appears.  Many in the class saw the object in their path and despite carefully braking they were helpless to avoid colliding with it because they kept their attention on the obstacle.  The instructors explained that to avoid the problem the driver needed to look beyond it towards the destination that the wanted to go.  When we learned to look down the road we could readily avoid the obstacles that suddenly appeared on the path even though our cars were on slippery roads and began to skid.


In the final lesson the instructors sent the cars into a rear wheel skid with the car viciously spinning in circles.  The students had to recover control of the vehicle and keep the cars on the road and going in the original direction.  Again, to do this the drivers had to maintain focus on the destination, far off down the road that they were travelling.  I learned that day that I could recover from a very dangerous skid as long I kept my eyes on where I wanted to keep the car going.


I offer this long-winded story on safe car driving to illustrate a common flaw in how we often approach less tangible problems in our lives.  When we encounter challenges in life so many of us lose sight of our goals and spend our time looking at the barriers.  This is somewhat instinctive and natural.  Fear draws our attention away from the objective that we seek and desire!


This mistake seems to happen in so many areas of our lives.  In engineering we can get lost trying to fix a technical issue when we might do better looking at developing alternative ways to achieve the same objective.  When looking at our health we tend to get stuck looking at our diseases rather than improving well-being.  With fitness we get mired focusing on our weight and our fat when developing our muscles and overall health would serve us better.

We can plainly see this kind of thinking at work throughout our society.  We have anti-bullying campaigns not inclusivity and empathy programs. There are anti-poverty initiatives but very few prosperity movements.  As good intentioned as they may be, it is my experience that anything with an 'anti' focus tends to exacerbate the undesirable element.  Many bad ideas and thinking unfortunately thrive through resistance rather than diminishing. 

I have discovered that when I let go of the problem and start to focus again on where I want to go that the best ideas to address my present situation arise.  Whether it is my weight, my finances, my personal relationships or my job, I have learned that the fears about my goals become distractions.  My success is surer when moving towards the goal remains the objective rather than avoiding the pitfalls.


So I encourage you today to approach your troubles better.  Let go of your sticky problems.  Look again down the path towards the goals that you want to achieve.  Keep your attention on what moves you forward and not on the things that block your path or have you looking backwards.  Only then will you be able to keep control, steer clear and keep on the road to success!