The Cure for Bad Déjà Vu

The Cure for Bad Déjà Vu 

“You can’t undo the past…but you can certainly not repeat it.” –Bruce Willis

A wise man once said to me “History is nothing more than collection of lessons never learned.”  Alas, I sadly believe that he was correct.  Even individually we tend to live each day as if the previous ones had very little to add.  If I were to ask you what yesterday taught you would you have an immediate reply?  How about last week, month or a year ago?  If we are healthy people then we should be growing and growing means continuous learning and change.  We should be using our past properly to improve ourselves so as not to repeat its mistakes.

Unfortunately, it is my observation that we humans have a strong tendency to repeat negative cycles.  In short, we seem to have propensity for reiterating the errors of the past.  Like a patient teacher, life keeps giving us similar situations over and over, day after day, in the hopes that we will eventually learn the lessons and then move on to different challenges where we will then obtain new knowledge and diverse experiences.  If you are honest with yourself you will see that your own behaviours set the stage for a great deal of what you experience during the day.  If negatives are repeating then you are the most significant common factor in the equation.  Personally, time and time again I have experienced some painful situations that I could not seem to avoid until I finally saw and acknowledged my own role in their creation.

Nobody likes déjà vu when it comes to their past mistakes.  While we certainly are not the cause of all our own misery, when it comes to chronic situations we almost always play a very significant role.    Unfortunately, it is quite natural and easy to see and blame external causes for all out mishaps: if this hadn’t happened, if she hadn’t done that or if they wouldn’t say that.  It’s like the Joni Mitchell song Both Sides Now, “So many things I would have done but clouds got in my way.”  We are all talented at making excuses for what we have neglected.  We fail to see that it is this brilliant talent that helps to feed our cycle of repeating our past gaffes. 

It may sound egotistical or even masochistic but there is great value in taking personal responsibility for your outcomes regardless of the situation or the actions of others.  If it is all your fault when something doesn’t go as you planned then you have all the power to fix it because you have significant ability to make changes to yourself and your behaviours.  If it is something or someone else’s fault then you have far less influence over them and therefore you have less chance of improving your outcomes.  Taking back your responsibility is very empowering.  You do not need to own the behaviours and responses of others but you can certainly be frank with yourself about your own actions, reactions and choices.

Break your past situations down into the choices that you made.  Determine if you could creatively make different options for yourself that you did not perceive at the time.  Use your imagination to come up with alternative responses the difficulties that you encountered.  This is almost a form of mental and emotional martial arts.  Life situations present us with decisions in the same way an opponent’s actions require response.  If we practice sparring in a safe place and objectively analyze our performance then we can develop tactics that better ensure our outcome in future conflicts.  We learn when to block, dodge, push, pull or simply move out of the way completely. This is true in both physical and metaphysical situations. When an encounter throws an emotional or mental jab at you then can unlearn your clumsy unhealthy habitual responses and instead apply some skilled countermoves.

There is a cure for bad déjà vu.  By learning from it we can determine how not to repeat our past. If we do this then we obtain something far better than undoing our previous errors.  We will obtain new and better life skills and start to rid ourselves of negative patterns that we may have developed.  By practicing this we can become black-belts in overcoming the past and then we will move on to new and different lessons in the dojo of life.

©2018 Scott D. Wilson

The Blessings of Tribulation

●♥● The Blessings of Tribulation ●♥●

“What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.”― Oscar Wilde

We all tend to rejoice over the golden days of our lives.  We remember the times when everything was going well and all our needs were met.  We are thankful for these periods and we mourn when they are lost to us.  We look with scorn and contempt upon the woe and misfortune that befall us.  When we experience them we forever wish that they would end and when they are done with we wish that they had never occurred.  What possible value could there be in our tribulations?  Some answers might surprise you.

In a seven year period how would you like to lose your mother to a long battle with multiple sclerosis, suffer an abusive marriage and divorce, succumb to clinical depression, and end up as an impoverished single mother on welfare?   No, not for you?  What if I told you that it was just such misfortunes that led to the creation of Harry Potter and his incredible wizarding world?  Yep, had J.K. Rowling been able to forego all these tragedies and pains it is quite likely that Harry would have remained little more than a nice idea shared with family and friends. 

The loss of her mother fueled Rowling’s writing about Harry’s loss of his parents.  We see her understanding of abuse in the cruelty of the Dursleys towards Harry.  The Dementors are physical manifestations of Rowling’s own struggles with depression.  Rowling felt like a failure and it is in that place of desperation she wrote her amazing story of a remarkable boy struggling to find his way in a strange unfamiliar world while facing a vicious and powerful enemy.  Even after she had managed to find a publisher who agreed to publish her book, the editor advised Rowling to get a day job since she had little chance of making money in children's books.

Now we look at this all in retrospect.  J.K. Rowling is a household name, a billionaire in the world of authors.  It would be interesting to ask her if she wishes that any of those tragedies had never come to pass.  The reality is that without them there is a good possibility that the circumstances used to create Harry Potter might never have come about.  Continued employment, a stable relationship and relative economic comfort would easily have dissipated any need to write or publish such a story.  Yes, these events remain painful and tragic but their value in developing Ms. Rowling is real and significant. 

I am not saying that misfortunes should be celebrated.  They are and will remain unpleasant and undesirable.  I am however stating that our hardships can and often do have value and it is important to recognize this.  From the adversity, pain and grief of Bill Wilson’s and Bob Smith’s lives came the foundation of Alcoholics Anonymous, an institution that has been responsible for the recovery of millions of lives trapped in addiction. Calamities have many times become the seeds for success.  The legend of the phoenix rising from its own ruin plays out in real life and in many actual lives.  It is an unfortunate truth that change is frequently fueled by pain.  We tend to avoid the discomfort of change until it becomes too painful or dangerous to remain the same.

In the film “It’s a Wonderful Life” George Bailey gets to see the value of his own life by discovering what would happen if he had never existed.  It would be an equally interesting film to see what would have happened if George had been spared many of the disappointments of his life.  For example, had George’s dad stayed healthy a little longer then he would likely have travelled, gone to college and perhaps Mary and their marriage might never have become part of his life.  Our lives can indeed be equally defined by both our triumphs and our tragedies.  

One of my greatest sorrows is the loss of my twin daughters.  Yet without this brutally heart-breaking event I would not have any of the children that I have today.   Death set in motion the possibilities for life that would not have been otherwise possible.  So I must accept that my ultimate grief birthed my greatest joys.  This is a paradoxical truth for me.  Ends create beginnings and creation destroys that from which it is created.  Baking a cake obliterates wheat, eggs, sugar cane and milk.  Personally realizing this truth can grant one significant peace.  As a father, my heart will forever ache for Sarah and Amy but I bless the brevity of their lives for bringing me Jeremiah, Courtney, Allison and Kimberley.

I write these words for two reasons.  First, if you are in turmoil now then understand that you may be at the genesis of something new and beneficial in your life.  Suffering does not guarantee improvements but it can offer the potential for growth and personal change.  You will reap great benefits if you are able find the gains within your losses.  Secondly, when life drags up the pains of your past then do your best to avoid indulging in regret.  Seek instead to remember any lessons that were learned and consider possible benefits that you derived while passing through your trials.  Think on the helpful circumstances, people, places and things that may have entered your life as a result of your difficulties.  Become comfortable with this paradox for we can achieve greater joy when we discover the blessings of tribulation.

©2018 Scott D. Wilson

The Special

The Special

©2016 Scott D. Wilson,P.Eng.

Most here are aware of my affinity for the movie ‘The Matrix’ and its concepts.  Those reading the title of this article who have children will already have an idea about what other film I want to discuss here today.  The term “The Special” refers to the film ‘The Lego Movie.’   For those unfamiliar with this movie I can summarize it this way.  The film draws many parallels to my cherished Matrix.  Most noteworthy is the journey of the main characters.  In the ‘Lego Movie’ the rebel group is looking for “The Special” and in ‘The Matrix’ they are looking for “The One.”  In ‘The Matrix’ Neo, or Thomas A. Anderson, struggles to understand that he is the special person with unique abilities to perceive and change reality.  In ‘The Lego Movie’ Emmet struggles with a prophesy that has labelled him “The Special” and expects him to be a “Master Builder” and “the most interesting, and most extraordinary person in the universe.”

There are many other parallels that can be explored and both our heroes ultimately realize their full potential and end the oppression of their people.  However, ‘The Lego Movie’ diverges in one VERY significantly different way.  Neo is distinctly different and therefore special.  He acts and thinks in ways that are different from everybody else.  It is his uniqueness that makes him “The One.”  Emmet on the other hands is exactly like everyone else.  He is the quintessential nobody.  He blends in with everyone and he is uncreative and truly boring.  Yet he becomes “The Special” quite by accident when he falls down a hole while chasing a beautiful and mysterious woman.  Neo is a reluctant Christ figure but Emmet is every one of us.

Yet both our heroes transcend their perceived limitations and break free of the oppressive reality that enslaved them.  Both characters gain the ability to literally rearrange reality to suit their needs and to help those around them.  The difference that I noted is important because of this simple idea that Emmet realizes:

“You are the most talented, most interesting, and most extraordinary person in the universe. And you are capable of amazing things. Because you are the Special. And so am I. And so is everyone. The prophecy is made up, but it's also true. It's about all of us. Right now, it's about you, and you....still.....can change everything.”

Emmet realized the truth that what makes someone special is not some magical gift or talent or ability.  It is not something that some people fortunately have and that others unfortunately do not.   It is a choice that they make.  Every normal person has the ability to change the way they see reality.  Every one of us further has the ability to change that reality.   All of us have the capability to become “The One” or “The Special.”  We all can wake-up to the untapped potential within us and become astoundingly so much more than we are today.

This is an important realization that we all should think hard upon and act upon even harder still.  So many are looking for their Neo, a special unique saviour with super-powers, to come and liberate them from the mess of their lives.  All the while, what they truly need to do is realize that they are the special person that can make all the difference.   If they would only realize this simple fact they would become their own superhero, just like Emmet.  There are barriers.  I recognize this.  Knowing something with our heads is not the same as actually knowing and experiencing the truth of something.  

From the Kamasutra to the Kinsey Reports there is a lot of useful and wonderful information about human sexual intercourse.  We could spend years reading and fill our heads with the knowledge.  Personally, none of that information will ever compare to the experience of a bona fide orgasm with a trusted and loving partner.  Knowing the truth is not the same as acting upon it.  Knowing that we are special and that we can be special is the same kind of realization.  This reality needs to be experienced!  It requires us to act upon what we know in our minds and then experience the reality of this new situation that we create.  It is literally an act of faith… faith in ourselves.

To those out there hesitating, who do not believe that they have what it takes, I urge you to suspend that doubt and make an act of faith in yourself.  Act as if your dream is truly becoming reality.  I know that it will be fearful but I can personally guarantee that it can be equally wonderful.  Would you truly rather face the bitter of regret of opportunities lost?  Stop waiting for the one who will save you.  Become your own hero today.  Put on that cape!

Today, I want to also acknowledge all the superheroes in this life.  You know who you are.  You have grabbed hold of your life with both hands and you are riding it for all that it is worth.  You have taken back control where you once were enslaved.  You have gone from victim to victorious. You stopped making excuses and started making a difference.  You have learned to look at reality with new eyes and to in turn exceed the perceived boundaries that once trapped you.   And most important, you have openly shared and given back so that others can become heroes too.  You folks are “The Specials”, “The Master Builders”, and “The Ones” that make this world work... that make the journey special.  THANK YOU!

A Flash of No-Regret

A Flash of No-Regret
©2015 Scott D. Wilson,P.Eng.

Despite the best of intentions through most of our life, most of us carry some regret. Today, I was given an incredible gift. Before I simply blurt it out I should offer some context.

From Friday evening until Saturday's setting sun is my time of rest. I do my best to spend this time with family and friends in rest, recreation and leisure. Sure, I putter around the house doing chores and repairs but these are labours of love, not my livelihood.

And so today I was chatting with my two adult children and watching old music videos from the 80's. It was during one such video that I was transported back briefly and for one flickering moment I was 17 year-old Scott. I wore his clothes, his shoes, his hair. I saw the choices of his life before him. I saw the beauty by his side who would one day become his bride. And then in a brief moment I rushed forward through my life until I was back sitting in my kitchen with my kids.

In that short ephemeral vision I passed through all my choices in life. I saw my victories, my defeats, my successes and my failures. I experienced all my choices again - both the 'good' and the 'bad'. And I realized that all my actions brought me to this simple time of pleasure with my eldest son and daughter. Right now, everything is pretty well ok. So how could and of those choices been all that bad?

In that instant I had great empathy for all those Scotts of the past. I saw the choices they made with the knowledge, wisdom and experience that life had afforded them. They were good men doing their best with what they had. I do not know if words can convey the love and compassion that I was suddenly able to feel towards my past selves.  I understood how foolish it was to regret past 'mistakes' or 'poor' choices. To change those choices would lead to a now that I might believe would have been better but truth be told, it could easily have been far worse. Perchance the choices that would have made me rich back then would have left me miserable now. Who is to say?

We do not know now how the choices we make today will play out. We seek actions to bring about the best consequences but nothing is guaranteed. Soren Kierkegaard once said "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."  It is with understanding that we must release regret.

Regret only robs our present moments of joy and peace. Regret has no value in helping us to move forward towards our goals. Regret makes us harshly judge our past choices and it paralyzes our present ones. If you are one who struggles with regrets then realize today how futile it is. Your past 'errors' may be responsible for some of the best things in your present. Have compassion for your past selves. Forgive them. And with that in your heart and mind root yourself here and now and bravely face the future that your next choices will create!!