Valuable Perspective

Valuable Perspective

“The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” –Mark Twain

A colleague of mine used to live in Port Rupert, British Columbia.  He still has many good friends there.  About a year ago he told me of one such friend of his who was living there with her husband and her young daughter.  He explained to me that she had an appointment with a specialist down the coast in Vancouver.  She had been feeling unwell for quite some time and after a battery of tests she was hoping they could finally tell her the cause of her decline in health.  Her husband and daughter had accompanied her on the long trip down the coast.  Unfortunately, she was given some pretty grave news.  She had stage four cancer and there was no chance for a cure.  They gave her less than a year to live.  Stunned by this brutal revelation, the three of them shuffled into their car and set off up the coast for the long ride home.

My colleague further explained to me that his friend was lying down in the back and her husband and daughter were seated in the front of the vehicle.   Unfortunately, the road was treacherous that day and her husband lost control of the car. It careened off the highway and into the ocean.  In a chaotic instant she was struggling to get free of the vehicle before it sank completely beneath the icy waves. Sadly, she found herself alone on the shore.  In less than one day she had lost her entire family and any hope for her future. Personally, I do not know how she could carry on.  This is simply the most tragic tale that I have ever heard in my life.  The other day, my co-worker informed me that his friend finally lost her battle with cancer.  I do not know her name or how she lived her remaining time but her terrible tale haunts me.

I struggle to find anything meaningful or positive from this one person’s tragic nightmare.  It reminds me of Bill Murray’s remarkable but painful insight at the end of the film The Razor’s Edge, “When Piedmont died, I had to pay him back for my life. I found out there's another debt to pay — for the privilege of being alive. I thought Sophie was my reward for trying to live a good life. Uh uh. There is no payoff — not now.”  We all so terribly want our payoffs in this life, but that is a very unfair expectation of this world.  The truth is that we hold this foolish expectation because we live amidst the abundant privileges of the first world.  Those of poorer nations hold no such illusions about how harsh and unfair reality can be.

I am not seeking to be maudlin.  As terrible as the events I described were they did provide that woman with at least one remarkable opportunity.  In one day she was stripped of all the fallacies that we so often cling to throughout our lives.  She could not deny her mortality any longer and she saw the futility of seeking direct rewards through this life itself.  To paraphrase Bill Murray, she completely understood the debt to pay for the privilege of being alive.  That is not a lesson learned by many, yet it can be invaluable to those who get it. It crystalizes our priorities and burns away pettiness.  Here was a woman with absolutely nothing to lose in life… she had already lost it all.

This tale provides me is perspective and priority.  From it I realize that this life owes us nothing, absolutely nothing.  We are privileged to be on this journey no matter how long and pleasant or short and brutal it may be.  It is what we choose to do with the time that we have that gives real meaning to our lives.  As to priorities, it reminds me that we truly have no time for trivial pettiness.  How small do my problems seem in comparison to those that this woman faced in her short remaining days.  How can I waste my time in foolish worry and self-doubt?  I see the vital importance of remaining here and now and addressing the priorities in this very moment.  This woman’s life urges me to be bold because I too can lose everything that I cherish in an instant.  I clearly see the fleeting nature of all physical things and the permanent and transcendent nature love and its actions.

Yes, I told you a tragic tale, full of sorrow and woe.  You can casually dismiss it as just someone else’s random misfortune and go on your merry way.  However, I hope that, like myself, you can use this harsh reality to splash some cold water on your soul and awaken it to that which is truly important here and now.  We can realize that if we should live long enough then we will ultimately face these very same circumstances stretched across a longer period of time.   It simply makes sense to learn from this condensed life lesson and if we can avoid turning away from it then this ugly dark reality can actually provide us a wonderful and valuable perspective.

©2018 Scott D. Wilson

The Blessings of Tribulation

●♥● The Blessings of Tribulation ●♥●

“What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.”― Oscar Wilde

We all tend to rejoice over the golden days of our lives.  We remember the times when everything was going well and all our needs were met.  We are thankful for these periods and we mourn when they are lost to us.  We look with scorn and contempt upon the woe and misfortune that befall us.  When we experience them we forever wish that they would end and when they are done with we wish that they had never occurred.  What possible value could there be in our tribulations?  Some answers might surprise you.

In a seven year period how would you like to lose your mother to a long battle with multiple sclerosis, suffer an abusive marriage and divorce, succumb to clinical depression, and end up as an impoverished single mother on welfare?   No, not for you?  What if I told you that it was just such misfortunes that led to the creation of Harry Potter and his incredible wizarding world?  Yep, had J.K. Rowling been able to forego all these tragedies and pains it is quite likely that Harry would have remained little more than a nice idea shared with family and friends. 

The loss of her mother fueled Rowling’s writing about Harry’s loss of his parents.  We see her understanding of abuse in the cruelty of the Dursleys towards Harry.  The Dementors are physical manifestations of Rowling’s own struggles with depression.  Rowling felt like a failure and it is in that place of desperation she wrote her amazing story of a remarkable boy struggling to find his way in a strange unfamiliar world while facing a vicious and powerful enemy.  Even after she had managed to find a publisher who agreed to publish her book, the editor advised Rowling to get a day job since she had little chance of making money in children's books.

Now we look at this all in retrospect.  J.K. Rowling is a household name, a billionaire in the world of authors.  It would be interesting to ask her if she wishes that any of those tragedies had never come to pass.  The reality is that without them there is a good possibility that the circumstances used to create Harry Potter might never have come about.  Continued employment, a stable relationship and relative economic comfort would easily have dissipated any need to write or publish such a story.  Yes, these events remain painful and tragic but their value in developing Ms. Rowling is real and significant. 

I am not saying that misfortunes should be celebrated.  They are and will remain unpleasant and undesirable.  I am however stating that our hardships can and often do have value and it is important to recognize this.  From the adversity, pain and grief of Bill Wilson’s and Bob Smith’s lives came the foundation of Alcoholics Anonymous, an institution that has been responsible for the recovery of millions of lives trapped in addiction. Calamities have many times become the seeds for success.  The legend of the phoenix rising from its own ruin plays out in real life and in many actual lives.  It is an unfortunate truth that change is frequently fueled by pain.  We tend to avoid the discomfort of change until it becomes too painful or dangerous to remain the same.

In the film “It’s a Wonderful Life” George Bailey gets to see the value of his own life by discovering what would happen if he had never existed.  It would be an equally interesting film to see what would have happened if George had been spared many of the disappointments of his life.  For example, had George’s dad stayed healthy a little longer then he would likely have travelled, gone to college and perhaps Mary and their marriage might never have become part of his life.  Our lives can indeed be equally defined by both our triumphs and our tragedies.  

One of my greatest sorrows is the loss of my twin daughters.  Yet without this brutally heart-breaking event I would not have any of the children that I have today.   Death set in motion the possibilities for life that would not have been otherwise possible.  So I must accept that my ultimate grief birthed my greatest joys.  This is a paradoxical truth for me.  Ends create beginnings and creation destroys that from which it is created.  Baking a cake obliterates wheat, eggs, sugar cane and milk.  Personally realizing this truth can grant one significant peace.  As a father, my heart will forever ache for Sarah and Amy but I bless the brevity of their lives for bringing me Jeremiah, Courtney, Allison and Kimberley.

I write these words for two reasons.  First, if you are in turmoil now then understand that you may be at the genesis of something new and beneficial in your life.  Suffering does not guarantee improvements but it can offer the potential for growth and personal change.  You will reap great benefits if you are able find the gains within your losses.  Secondly, when life drags up the pains of your past then do your best to avoid indulging in regret.  Seek instead to remember any lessons that were learned and consider possible benefits that you derived while passing through your trials.  Think on the helpful circumstances, people, places and things that may have entered your life as a result of your difficulties.  Become comfortable with this paradox for we can achieve greater joy when we discover the blessings of tribulation.

©2018 Scott D. Wilson

What if…

What if… 

“Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” –Thomas A. Edison

These are some very haunting words. The line between succeeding and failing is truly razor thin. I sometimes get goose bumps when I reflectively consider the possible impact upon our world had some of our greatest pioneers and people given up when they encountered opposition, adversity or a pressure to conform. Imagine a world under the following conditions:

What if… Arthur and Kate Keller had followed common practice in the late 1800’s and placed their deaf and blind daughter in institutional care?

What if… in 1890 Marie Curie had accepted the Polish prohibition of women from university education, never joining the clandestine Flying University?

What if… Steve Job had cut his losses in 1986 after having been kicked out of Apple and NeXT Inc. was on the ropes, never looking at Pixar?

What if… Isaac Newton had listened to his mother and remained a farmer?

What if… J.K. Rowling had given up writing while struggling on welfare?

What if… Walt Disney had believed the editor in 1919 who fired him because he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”

I could list countless examples like these. Each of these people had moments where they could have stopped following their dreams or given up on themselves. No one would have condemned them. Everyone would have understood. History would have simply rolled on without them. It chills me further to realize that there likely are some minds and hearts like these that have already quit and deprived us of their amazing innovations and ideas. We likely will never know what we have lost.

What does Edison’s warning say about us and our own efforts when we consider quitting? How close are we to finding success? Is that last failure our breaking point or the one just before our breakthrough? Is there a mother lode of triumph buried inside us just beneath that last stinging defeat? If we give up then we will never truly know. Our own greatness may not shine brightly before the world like that of the people I listed above. Yet it would remain an equally great tragedy for any of us to live our lives with our noblest potential undiscovered, undeveloped and unachieved.

In this life when it comes to our own success, it is always too early to quit and never too late to get up and keep going.


©2017 S.D.Wilson

Perfect Imperfection

●●●Perfect Imperfection●●●

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” ―Albert Einstein

The wise person realizes that we can only ever know an infinitesimally small percentage of the vast reality which surrounds us and we can understand even less. In that awareness of the universe the wise one knows how ignorant and foolish he or she truly is.  Meanwhile, the average person generally misguidedly accepts his or her limited understanding for reality itself and finds frustration when that understanding is challenged.

Einstein was correct, human ignorance or stupidity is infinite.  We can never possibly hope to grasp a complete understanding of all that exists everywhere in this unending universe.  Likewise, one man or woman within their limited lifespan can only hope to master and comprehend of a miniscule fraction of all that can be experienced and understood.  Even among our chosen fields of expertise we can never sit down and proclaim our perfection of any ability.

I graduated as an electrical engineer in 1990 and yet I never expect to be the perfect electrical engineer.  I got married in 1991 and still I doubt that I will ever be a perfect husband.  I have been writing for decades and I highly doubt that I will ever perfect my craft.  Yet many keep striving day in and day out to “get it right.”  Whether it is their career, family matters, financial success, weight loss or other worthy pursuits, so many people long for the day when everything just clicks into place.

Our lives simply do not work that way.  It is not about finding the perfect spouse, the perfect job, the perfect parenting method, the perfect diet and exercise or the perfect life.  When we choose this viewpoint then the goalposts will always be moving and we will find ourselves constantly dissatisfied and disappointed.  Our ideals will torture and haunt us instead of spurring us on to improve.  We never learn to celebrate improvements because they fall short of our ultimate expectation.  Goals become drudgery and dreams become nightmares.

This thinking is so commonplace that a great many people feel trapped, desperate and demotivated.  It is no wonder that many quit their goals.  Understandably, a wiser gentler path is not apparent to them.  And so I hope that my words act as a kind of map that helps you to find this different side-street.  There is joy in discovering a way that realizes that perfection is process, not a destination.  One can discover peace of mind on a trail that rejoices in each step forward, no matter how small.  Life can follow a journey where dreams and goals shine brightly before us, leading us on a winding and adventurous pathway.  We can follow road that has abandoned getting it right and embraced getting it better.

If you are one who finds themselves hoping for their life to just start working perfectly one day, please consider that your very desire is causing you grief.  Entertain the idea that personal progress is a better means to keep one motivated and moving forwards.  Use your ideals wisely and you can find perfect contentment amidst imperfection when you come to realize:

“Life is not about getting it right.Life is about getting it better.” –Me

Cheers!
©2017 Scott D. Wilson

Letter to a Fearful Warrior

Letter to a Fearful Warrior

Dear Warrior,

The end of this life is inescapable. Death comes to everyone without exception. So how you fill the time between death and birth is the only matter of importance. What have you to fear? What are you afraid to lose? Can you really fail?

Feel the brevity of life. Yet do not despair. Rejoice! Allow the urgency of it to infuse your decisions and actions. A warrior who hesitates in battle suffers defeat or worse. Truly, tomorrow never comes so make the best of all that you are and all that you have NOW.

A blade remains useless in the scabbard. A sharp mind remains useless sheathed with inaction. Be a person of action. Overcome the paralysis of fear and uncertainty. Turn and face the enemy knowing who you are. With stillness inside, move rapidly and with purpose. Yield and overcome.

Again warrior, what do you fear? In the end all is lost when the ultimate gift is returned to the giver. In this sense nothing is truly yours to begin with, including your own life. Until the time of your end you must continue to overcome the enemies on your path. They are fear, knowledge and power. Fear blocks your path to knowledge. Knowledge unapplied becomes and addiction that blocks your way to power. Power intoxicates and blocks your way to overcoming yourself.

What is timidity to one who knows that death is his lifetime companion and that each moment may be their last? The past is gone and all it can offer you are its lessons and the wisdom that arises from refection upon it. There is no future, there is simply now. Do what needs doing now. Remember the wise words of Don Juan Matus:

A warrior must focus his attention on the link between
himself and his death. Without remorse or sadness or worrying, he
must focus his attention on the fact that he does not have time and
let his acts flow accordingly. He must let each of his acts be his
last battle on earth. Only under those conditions will his acts
have their rightful power. Otherwise they will be, for as long as
he lives, the acts of a fool.
When one has nothing to lose, one becomes courageous.
We are timid only when there is something we can still cling to.

Today and this moment are yours. Be the warrior that you were meant to be, not an ignorant commoner paralyzed by fear and mortality. Live knowing that death is at hand for any one of us. Love with all your heart. Act without hesitation, knowing the shortness of life. Overcome your enemies. Follow the path with heart, the path with passion. Become impeccable in thought, word and action. You truly have nothing to lose and you have everything to win!

©2016 S.D. Wilson

Finding Success

Finding Success 

©2015 Scott D. Wilson

This article is dedicated to the admirable life and great friendship of Dr. Janice McCarthy.
I do not know when exactly but I do know that soon a light will fade from this planet and the universe will be a bit darker. My friend, Doctor Janice McCarthy is in the final stages of her battle with the evil that is cancer. My heart breaks for her husband and children and their unfair loss.


But I am not writing here about loss. I am writing about finding success. I do not know a single person who does not crave success in their life. It is almost a fundamental human drive like hunger, sex, love and acceptance. However, we all seem to achieve varying levels of success in our lives. We all want and dream of success yet few of us are willing to do all that is needed to achieve those goals. I believe that the drive for success is akin to psychologist Abraham Maslow's description of the quest for self-actualization.


I am privileged to have known several successful people in my passage through this weary land of heartaches and broken dreams. Some were wealthy.  Others had meager means. Some were well known and popular. While some live in quiet obscurity. There were those both brilliant and simple. I would imagine that many reading here wonder then how I am defining success.


Earl Nightingale gave the best definition of success that I am aware of to date.  His definition stated that "Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal."  In most people's eyes worthy ideals are mainly fame and fortune. I have a much broader view of success yet I would have to say that still only a few obtain it.


My successful few have one common thread: a fearless passion for life. Their legacies are loving families, heartfelt friends, admiring colleagues, grateful neighbours and a general respect from virtually all who knew them. Whatever their circumstance they grabbed life for all it was worth. None of them were victims in their maturity. Their environments did not subdue or define them. They truly overcame the world and themselves.  Oh, they had fears and nightmares but they all learned to face them to persevere beyond them.

My friend Janice is not dying of cancer. She is truly living deeply and fully with the disease. Despite the ravages of the illness she seems more alive now than when we first met. Yes, I see a certain sadness within her but it is not regret.  It is the natural yearning for more. Her smile, her wit, her impish ways, her unconquered spirit burn brightly. Even in the precious last days she still reaches out and counsels her patients. Her abundant generosity has not been stemmed by this vicious disease.  I see in her the unbowed unbroken warrior.  I cannot help but be inspired.


Why is this success?  She has lived this life on her terms. That is one of the noblest ideals that I can envision. The lives she has touched attest to this. Of this I have no doubt. Her family and friends have been given a shining legacy from her. I will miss my friend but I will forever be enriched by my time spent with her.


And so I encourage you, my reader, to look to your own life. Find your own success and commit your life to it. Use the inspirations of lives well lived to find your own noble ideals. Do not narrow success to money or popularity. Define life on your own terms. Dream big and work hard. Love deeply and boldly!  Do not let world extinguish your light. Burn brightly like a shooting star... like my friend Janice.

"To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one’s self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Walking the Razor's Edge

Walking the Razor

© 2015 Scott D. Wilson,P.Eng.

 

“The pathway to salvation is as narrow and as difficult to walk as a razor's edge.” — W. Somerset Maugham from “The Razor's Edge.”

 

I need to confess, I have a love for a picture that bombed in the theatres back in 1984.  It was a movie starring Bill Murray in an adaption of Somerset Maugham’s “The Razor’s Edge.”  I enjoyed this film and its message when I first saw it back in 1984, and the cinematography is stunning.  I personally believed that it bombed because general audiences wanted to see the standard Bill Murray firing off jokes and making wisecracks.  This is not really that kind of film.  Somerset Maugham delves deeply into the worlds of materialism and spirituality.  To that end I believe that Bill Murray remained quite true to Maugham’s vision.  Unfortunately, a great deal of Maugham’s thoughts and conclusions are quite hard for many people to swallow.

I encourage folks to read Maugham’s book and to see the film.  The Razor’s Edge struggles with the concepts of good and evil, cause and consequence, actions and rewards.  I like the brutally honest answer that the main character delivers in a few short lines:

“When Piedmont died, I had to pay him back for my life. I found out there's another debt to pay — for the privilege of being alive. I thought Sophie was my reward for trying to live a good life. Uh uh. There is no payoff — not now.”

Western thinking, whether spiritual or physical, is frequently unconsciously caught up in the concept of investment and return.  We work hard expecting that effort to pay off.  Those who pursue spiritual matters usually expect to be rewarded with peace of mind and life with less conflict and strife.  We are always expecting the scales to balance in our lifetime.  Reality is far less predictable and reliable.  And so we alternately enjoy and suffer with the dualities of pleasure, pain, toil and reward, love and fear.  As Maugham’s character so aptly puts it, there is not necessarily a “payoff  — not now.”

This thought disappoints most of us.  If we make sacrifices now and try our best to be ‘good’ then there needs to be a reward, now, in this life.  While this may frequently be true it is certainly not a guarantee and we should realize this fact.  Additionally, we are mostly oblivious to the underlying selfishness of this expectation.  Many noble people did what was right and correct and it cost them everything, including their lives.  They were not expecting to reap the rewards of their actions.  They did not do right because it was of benefit to themselves.  They chose to act correctly because doing right transcends time and space.  Doing right serves something far greater than give and take, action and reward. These brave folks were aware that their actions would resonate out beyond their own personal existence into the future and onward towards eternity.

I can see how this thought may distress many people.  Justice seems cheated.  Those who reap do not seem to sow.  Similarly, this is offensive to rationalistic materialists enjoyment of science’s premise of cause and effect.  Meanwhile, spiritualists will generally take comfort in the belief of an afterlife for their rewards. I do not seek to clear this matter for either point of view.  Currently none can truly know with certainty what may or may not transcend their lifespan.  

I would hope that those with a rational scientific mindset would allow their egos to ebb and perform the mental calculations to see that doing right without personal reward can serve the future and their fellow man.  And the spiritualists should likewise let go of the mindset that is entitled to compensation.  I would not like to meet my Creator with the selfish expectation that my righteousness was motivated solely for my own benefit, avoiding punishment or to gain reward.  

When good happens were should rejoice and enjoy it.  When ill befalls this world we should mourn and take actions against it.  As long as time flies forward, both good and evil will remain temporary states.  My original quote comes from a monk seeking to caution Maugham’s main character.  Another wise One once similarly warned that “…it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!” The wealthy are most heavily invested in the concept of investment and return, and so they become robbed of an eternal perspective.

Life has taught me that it is of great importance to do what is good but it is of far greater importance to sincerely do it for the correct reasons.  Look neither for reward nor punishment.  Choose to do what is correct regardless of the outcome.  Free from the fear of penalties and the lure of compensation, if we do not get caught up in our own ego we might find that walking the razor’s edge to salvation is just that much easier. 

Why are you here?

Why are you here?

©2015 Scott D. Wilson,P.Eng.

 

Seriously, why are you here?  What is the point of your travels in this outer spiral arm of a Galaxy we call the Milky Way?  Sure, you were born here but that is mere circumstance.  Why do continue this ongoing adventure?  Are you like singer in the old Peggy Lee song “Is that all there is?” who is just hanging in because they simply don’t want to face the final disappointment of death?  Do you breathe out of habit or do you savour every miraculous heartbeat and every taste of life-sustaining air?

I see so many, day in and day out, struggling with addictions, bad habits, weight, and so much more.  The common factor for so many of them is the need for motivation and the will to follow through.  I may be wrong but I see that a large part of their problem is that they lack meaningful purpose in their life.  They simply do not know why they are here.  It is as if they expect to wake up one day from this tired existence and start living their real lives – the lives they were meant to be living.  This may in fact be partially true.

I can see why the Eastern religions and mysticism seek ‘enlightenment’ and ‘awakening.’  Like Neo in ‘The Matrix’ they want to see reality as it truly is and realize that their true identity is not what they have accepted since birth.  They want to awaken and see their true selves and those of the people and creations around them.  This is a noble quest.  It sets a foundation and provides a perspective for all that we are and all that we do.  For until you begin to truly understand yourself and start to know why you are here then you will continually struggle with motivation and willpower for all other pursuits.

For example, if you do not have a core purpose for living then what does it matter if you are thin or fat, healthy or sick, sane or crazy, wise or foolish?  Finding a purpose for life is not purely a spiritual pursuit.  Atheists are not immune to the need for a purposeful existence.  The only difference is the basis for the rational understanding of their unique purpose.

You are a combination of a rather unique set of 3.2 billion base pairs of DNA.  Scientifically and spiritually, you shall not pass this way again.  Even a clone will technically not be you, as it would be constrained to experience a completely different time and set of circumstances.   You belong here… to this time and place.  Accept that the universe has placed you where and when you are.  Whether it be the forces of evolution and circumstance or by divine intent, you came to be here today.

Accepting your place within time and space will allow you to look clearly at yourself and ask what role are you suited to play in the portion that has been allotted to you.  What are your talents?  What are your passions and interests?  What makes you come alive?  If these things are taking a back seat in your life then I suggest that you look at your priorities.  Because if you are not doing the things that bring enjoyment, meaning and fulfillment to your life then you won’t find much motivation to do all the other things that would otherwise bring health and other benefits to your existence.

Do not look to others to find out why you exist.  Their truths and meanings may have no bearing on you whatsoever.  Look inside and learn.  Look outside and see the possibilities, not the limitations.  Trust that you have been provided with a rational mind that can discover your own unique reasonable purpose.  Do not accept the realities that others have provided for you; they can limit your ability to see and understand.  When you are confused by life allow yourself to be puzzled and to ask “Why?”  Allow for awe and wonder. 

If you are having difficulties finding some kind of motivation I suggest that you put aside that struggle for now and instead ask yourself “Who am I?” Quietly allow the infinite number of answers to come to you.  Some will resonate more than others.  Dwell on those for they will help you to discover who you are and why you are here.  It will be a process.  Just as one does not go one day from a classroom to the pilot seat of an aircraft so too will the learning about yourself take gentle time and patience.  

I encourage you to discover your own reason for your existence.  From that answer will spring the ability and motivation for so much more.  Howard Thurman put it so eloquently:

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” 

I ask again, “Why are you here?”  I have provided some perspective and advice for one to begin to find an answer to this question.  Now I lastly ask, are you brave enough to try? 

Losing Your (Punitive) Mind

Losing Your (Punitive) Mind
©2015 Scott D. Wilson, P.Eng.

No team ever won the Super Bowl with a coach who only criticized and punished their players. No Olympian ever grabbed the gold because they were driven by the fear of defeat and condemnation. Why then do so many of us think we can succeed by effectively using these same methods with ourselves? Frequently folks act like they can mentally beat themselves into submission. Whether it is our steps towards success in our careers or improving our health, it seems that a lot folks think that using an inner drill sergeant will somehow create the discipline that they seek in their lives.

Perhaps it is the ‘drill sergeant’ mythology from films like “Officer and a Gentleman” that has created this belief within us. Such films paint the picture of an antagonistic and harsh character who teaches the film’s hero the value of discipline, honour and self-sacrifice. While there is a time and place for the harsh treatment of a marine drill sergeant, I believe that most of us take these actions out of context.

Punishment is used to move us away from something; psychologists refer to punishment as negative reinforcement. However, punishment does not serve well to move us towards a goal. The harshness of the classic drill sergeant is used to break down independence because self-reliance in a war will get a person and their team killed. It is a drill sergeant’s job to take undisciplined and self-centered young people and form them into a strong healthy supportive team so they can rely on each other and survive under the harsh circumstances of war. The vicious words and actions of the sergeant have little to do with coaching the success of individuals. These severe actions are aimed to discourage individuality and encourage teamwork and interdependence. As individuals, using this method on ourselves to reach our goals will generally lead to discouragement and desperation.

Scientists in the field of Human Performance have long studied the best means for managing and improving behaviour. The results of their studies are clear: the use of positive reinforcements should far outweigh any negatives ones or punishments. Sports psychologists and researchers have determined that 80-90% of all coaching should involve positive reinforcement. Why then do so many people seem to feel that they can whip themselves into shape? From what I can see, it simply appears to be an erroneous belief that is a common part of our culture. It seems something akin to an ‘old wive’s tale.’

If we seek to succeed then it is clear that we must shed our unhealthy punitive mindset. In the study of performance improvement the best way to develop better actions is to reinforce desirable behaviours by applying positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcements are best termed as ‘rewards.’ Anything can be used for positive reinforcement: praise, incentives, money, gifts, actions, social status, et cetera. Rewards are very personal and need to be tailored to specific individuals. If we are seeking to motivate ourselves then we must find meaningful ways to reward ourselves when we take constructive actions towards our goals. Furthermore behavioural theorists have shown that the sooner a reward can be applied to a desired behavior the higher the chance that the individual will repeat this behaviour.

For example, a person who is seeking to lose weight might want to focus on the goal of logging food. Every time they complete a food log after a meal the person could reward themselves by having a chart that they tick off that will lead to a specific reward. Every time the person logs their food they will be visually rewarded by seeing that they are approaching a tangible goal. This method provides both an immediate and a long term goal.

So in short, we need to silence out inner drill sergeants. When we fail we need to quiet our self-criticism and practice gentle self-acceptance. We are not accepting our errors nor condoning our poor behaviour. We are merely acknowledging that we are human and not yet where we want to be. We are giving ourselves permission to make mistakes and learn from them. Next, we need to find out what acts as a reward for us and use it regularly to reinforce our positive choices and actions. If we follow this plan we can finally lose our minds… our punitive minds!

Get a perspective!

Get a perspective!

© 2015 Scott Wilson

 

"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot." – Charlie Chaplin

 

As we navigate this thing called life we will routinely encounter both joys and sorrows. Goals will be thwarted.  Dreams will meet with difficulties.  Steps in the correct direction towards self-improvement will seem to stall and fail.  How we choose to deal with these events will literally make the difference between genuine success and failure.

 

If these events were simply logical matters we would all naturally resolve them in a dispassionate way.   Unfortunately, despite our beliefs to the contrary, we are not truly driven by rational thinking.  We are emotional creatures and emotions tend to drive thinking and trump our best intentions.  Emotions are the elements that turn easy tasks arduous and dreary work into joy.  When we simply try to mentally suppress our emotions we inevitably cause them to build in intensity until they overcome our control.  So we need to understand what factors affect our emotions.

 

One of the most powerful influences on our emotions is our perspective.  Fortunately, perspective is also a variable that we can greatly influence with our rationale minds.  Our minds can gain a measure of control over our emotions if we are willing to understand how our emotions are affected by our perceptions of the things and events around us.

 

To explain the power of perception and emotions allow me to use the extreme illustration of a phobia.  Arachnophobia is the extreme fear of spiders.  I have seen grown men and women jumping up on chairs and leaping great distances to evade the approach of a harmless house spider.  This tiny delicate creature that could easily be smashed by even the smallest toddler has the power to hurl an over 150 pound human being across a room.  Amazing.

 

Why does this happen?  Because the people affected by the phobia perceive the spider as a far greater threat than it is in reality.  Phobias are usually overcome by gradually changing the person’s perspective towards the object of their fear.  By repeated exposure the individuals come to realize that the objects of their fear are not truly threatening to them.  For the arachnophobic people, they come to see spiders for the delicate and benign creatures that they are.

 

This understanding can help us with our own difficulties.  I often see people developing a great deal of stress about what someone said or did to them or about some personal failure.  We tend to internalize these external stressors and then exaggerate their implications.  A person who is trying to lose weight succumbs to temptation and overeats on a weekend and then beats themselves up for the rest of the week.  Or worse, they contemplate quitting their efforts to improve their health.  We do this because we have lost perspective on parts of our lives and enable our emotions to overcome us.

 

I have a simple solution for such events.  I close my eyes and take a deep breath.  When I let out the breath slowly I try to imagine how I will perceive this difficulty tomorrow.  I then imagine how this problem will look in a week.  From there I move to a month and then a year.  Beyond that I seek to imagine the trouble from 5 and 10 years away.  Lastly, I imagine this matter from the perspective of my deathbed.  When I return from my time-travelling I ask myself “How was it?”  Based on my answers at the various times I respond accordingly.

 

Obviously I want to extend significant effort to those things that will have an impact on me when I am in my final moments.  However, I rarely find that any of my troubles seem to look all that bad beyond a day or a week.  What happened to the emotions and the trauma of the event that I am dealing with?  They are now tempered by the proper perspective of the situation.  If something will be forgettable or insignificant in less than a year then why would we want to give it so much of our hearts and our minds today?

 

This is only one exercise.  My point is that we can use our imagination and our minds to change our perspective on virtually anything from weight loss to a difficult spouse or from a troubled child to a bad job situation.  Perspective will not absolve us of the need to take action but it will help to relieve us of much of the fear and anger that might cloud our best response.

So if something is troubling you today then take a few quiet moments to honestly and creatively look at your problem from some new and different perspectives. You could discover that it is not nearly as bad as you thought or you might even find some solutions that you never considered before!