They Are All Broken

They Are All Broken

By Scott D. Wilson

Have you ever been betrayed or let down by someone that you had believed in or trusted?  Have you found yourself questioning the behaviour of someone that you thought that you knew?  I will share something with you that has taken me over forty years to fully realize:  They are all broken.  Every single person out there is broken, including you and including me.  We just don’t see the brokenness all the time because most have learned to hide it well… from others… and from themselves.

I have prided myself in the past by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.  I used to say that I started all people at one-hundred percent and that they worked themselves down from that.  I thought this was the best way to look at others.  Now I realize that it was terribly unfair.  It always set me up for disappointment.  It placed unrealistic expectations on my fellow travellers in this world.

Believing the best in others means looking at them but not seeing them.  It is like looking for flawless diamonds with a dirty magnifying glass.  Imperfections are smudged and hidden.  As individuals, we have been taught to show our best sides.  Eventually, we will have to clean our lenses.  Inevitably, we see the darker side to someone.  They fail to live up to the image that we have constructed of them.  They naturally act out of fear or insecurity.  They act out of character, and we feel cheated or misled.

Yet you see, the problem is truly not with them but with us.  We are mad with ourselves for failing to see them accurately or properly.  We forgot that they are all broken like us.  One might wisely ask why I say that ‘they’ are a broken if in fact we all suffer the same affliction.  Should the statement not be that ‘we’ are all broken?  Yes, this is true, but not so when make the observation.  For we are not thinking in terms of our own sins and evil when we with judging eyes see the brokenness of those around us.  There is no ‘we.’  There is only ourselves and them.

We all lie to one extent or another.  If we are honest in our observations we will come to realize that we lie to ourselves far more than we lie to others.  We paint over our own imperfections.  We try to see ourselves in the best light.  We soothe our egos by favorably comparing ourselves with others.  In short, we do not see ourselves as broken.  So it is when we are betrayed or disappointed that we plainly see the failings in those who we had painted with our ideals.  We do not sympathize or empathize with their plight. We judge them.

We have disconnected from our own brokenness and become harsh. We feel victimized and wonder why they won't treat us as we treat them. If we want to correct this we first must remember that they are all broken.  Life has made people damaged goods.  We need to expect that they will operate from that brokenness, and enjoy surprise when they choose to be better.  We then must turn inwards and acknowledge our own broken state so that we can let go of judgement, bitterness and resentment. Here we can ultimately remember that we are all broken.    

I am not making this observation to be pessimistic or cynical.  I have come to this realization through hard experience.  It is not optimistic to deceive ourselves about the fallen state of our friends and family.  It is not realistic to ignore our own flaws and shortcomings.  If we see that each one of us has some chips on their heart or cracks in their mind then we can treat those people with kind understanding. When necessary, we can take proper actions to protect and prepare ourselves from the broken actions of others rather than becoming victimized. If we can be gentle with our own faults then we can extend that gentleness towards those around us.  

When next you are disappointed by friend or family do your best to stop and remember that they are broken.  You are the one who expected too much.  Remember the cracks in your own spirit and the bruises on your own soul.  You too are broken.  The only way to help mend such damage is to handle each other softly.  For it is when all the broken pieces are gathered and gently reassembled that true wholeness is achieved.  

P.S.  I am not implying that it is wrong to see the potential and good in others. If we did not see such light then we would soon be mired in cynicism and disenchantment. As the Desiderata wisely states “many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.”

The harm to us comes from our expectations that others, especially those closest, will always operate ideally. First, we cut ourselves no slack and then we do likewise to others.

“They are all broken.” is to be used to remind ourselves that we are judging unfairly. It is my mirror to myself that tells me that I am expecting ideals in a less than ideal world.



Anticipate Weakness

Anticipate Weakness

©2015 Scott D. Wilson,P.Eng.

 

No matter what noble goal we pursue there will come moments of weakness where will we be tempted to throw in the towel or to simply derail our progress by doing something counter-productive.  For the person trying to lose weight it will be that time late at night, fatigued, lonely and down. That will be when the refrigerator or the cookie jar will sing with its irresistible siren song.  For the new entrepreneur it can be around the time that the novelty wears off, enthusiasm peters out and their confidence begins to wane. Or perhaps the feeling of despair sets in when the first significant challenge rears its head and seems insurmountable.   In short, the urges to give in and give up are pretty well universal to all who set goals and set out to succeed.

 

The lesson is that everyone falls prey to moments of weakness so we should anticipate these moments and do our best to prepare for them.  When we set out we always envision ourselves motivated and energized from that point onward.  This is an unrealistic expectation of ourselves.  We need to be kinder to our future selves and help them prepare for the moments of weakness and temptation.  Under present conditions we need to empathize with those under the strain to conform and to take the path of least resistance.  What tools could we give them to help them succeed?  What information could help them to stay positive and motivated to continue?  It is best to ask these questions now when there is no pressure or urgency.

 

If we each had an enemy that we knew was going to attack us some time in the future where we are at our weakest then we would be crazy not to take precautions against them.  We might hire security, train in self-defence, purchase weapons, travel in groups for safety or some other protective measures.  We would certainly not ignore the future threat.  In this case we are actually being pursued by an extremely dangerous enemy and that enemy is ourselves.  We know that they will hit us when we are most vulnerable so it makes sense to prepare now while we are strong.

 

There is another way to understand this idea in concrete terms.  We do our best to maintain our vehicles.  Nonetheless, many of us keep emergency kits in the car so that the effect of unexpected breakdowns is minimized.  Likewise, it is prudent to have disaster kits in our homes for emergencies and first aid.  It would be unwise to start a long quest in the wilderness without a survival pack.  I am suggesting something similar here.  We need to prepare a kind of emergency kit for motivation and determination.  For example, our midnight snacker might pack a distraction in their kit.  They think of food while bored and lonely so the kit might be a game or book or movie or something that they would enjoy more than a snack.  Reserve this item specifically for emergencies so that it is a truly worthwhile distraction.

 

Whether dieting or starting a new business  or any self-improvement goal, the emergency kit will need to be personal and it will need to help keep us in the right direction.  There is no one pat answer that will help for everyone.  Our entrepreneur might write down a list of reasons why they want to pursue their business and keep it in their kit.  Another might list all their talents and assets that support their goal.  Still another might keep recommendations and commendations from various sources that affirm their objectives.  The point is to get creative.  Use pictures, videos, songs, audio, mementos, cash, a list of friends to call, special objects… anything that will shore you up and help you to stay the course when your moments of weakness hit.  The effectiveness of your emergency kit will be proportional to the effort that you put into it while preparing. It also goes somewhat without saying but remember that this is an emergency kit.  It is to be used as weapon of last resort. The more it is used the less effective it will become.  This device is to help you when you are most in need of it.

 

I should also mention that our emergency kit does not necessarily need to be physical.  Martial artists train in repetitive cycles call katas, taolu or forms.  It is this repetition that prepares them to act appropriately when encountering an enemy.  This training and preparation is done when no threats are present.  It allows the people to be prepared and confident when a real opponent strikes.  Since we are talking about mental and emotional battles with ourselves then the fight will be taking place in our mind so it is there where we can also make preparations.  Mottos, maxims, prayers and quotes that reverberate within us can also serve to bolster us when weakness hits.  Again, these are personal so each one of needs to find something that we can repeatedly bring to mind that will help our thoughts, our spirits and our hearts.

My point in this diatribe is to encourage you to anticipate the worst in yourself.  Do not hold unrealistic expectation of your abilities and motivation.  Humbly admit your weaknesses and failings.  We all suffer from self-doubt and loneliness at different times.  Nobody alive is free from temptation.  However, these darkest hours need not be our downfall if we anticipate and prepare for them.  Take the time today while you are in a good place and your goals are clear and certain.  Work and plan to help yourself to remain on course for your goals when the windy trials and tribulations of life seek to shipwreck you and blow you off course!