Anticipate Weakness

Anticipate Weakness

©2015 Scott D. Wilson,P.Eng.

 

No matter what noble goal we pursue there will come moments of weakness where will we be tempted to throw in the towel or to simply derail our progress by doing something counter-productive.  For the person trying to lose weight it will be that time late at night, fatigued, lonely and down. That will be when the refrigerator or the cookie jar will sing with its irresistible siren song.  For the new entrepreneur it can be around the time that the novelty wears off, enthusiasm peters out and their confidence begins to wane. Or perhaps the feeling of despair sets in when the first significant challenge rears its head and seems insurmountable.   In short, the urges to give in and give up are pretty well universal to all who set goals and set out to succeed.

 

The lesson is that everyone falls prey to moments of weakness so we should anticipate these moments and do our best to prepare for them.  When we set out we always envision ourselves motivated and energized from that point onward.  This is an unrealistic expectation of ourselves.  We need to be kinder to our future selves and help them prepare for the moments of weakness and temptation.  Under present conditions we need to empathize with those under the strain to conform and to take the path of least resistance.  What tools could we give them to help them succeed?  What information could help them to stay positive and motivated to continue?  It is best to ask these questions now when there is no pressure or urgency.

 

If we each had an enemy that we knew was going to attack us some time in the future where we are at our weakest then we would be crazy not to take precautions against them.  We might hire security, train in self-defence, purchase weapons, travel in groups for safety or some other protective measures.  We would certainly not ignore the future threat.  In this case we are actually being pursued by an extremely dangerous enemy and that enemy is ourselves.  We know that they will hit us when we are most vulnerable so it makes sense to prepare now while we are strong.

 

There is another way to understand this idea in concrete terms.  We do our best to maintain our vehicles.  Nonetheless, many of us keep emergency kits in the car so that the effect of unexpected breakdowns is minimized.  Likewise, it is prudent to have disaster kits in our homes for emergencies and first aid.  It would be unwise to start a long quest in the wilderness without a survival pack.  I am suggesting something similar here.  We need to prepare a kind of emergency kit for motivation and determination.  For example, our midnight snacker might pack a distraction in their kit.  They think of food while bored and lonely so the kit might be a game or book or movie or something that they would enjoy more than a snack.  Reserve this item specifically for emergencies so that it is a truly worthwhile distraction.

 

Whether dieting or starting a new business  or any self-improvement goal, the emergency kit will need to be personal and it will need to help keep us in the right direction.  There is no one pat answer that will help for everyone.  Our entrepreneur might write down a list of reasons why they want to pursue their business and keep it in their kit.  Another might list all their talents and assets that support their goal.  Still another might keep recommendations and commendations from various sources that affirm their objectives.  The point is to get creative.  Use pictures, videos, songs, audio, mementos, cash, a list of friends to call, special objects… anything that will shore you up and help you to stay the course when your moments of weakness hit.  The effectiveness of your emergency kit will be proportional to the effort that you put into it while preparing. It also goes somewhat without saying but remember that this is an emergency kit.  It is to be used as weapon of last resort. The more it is used the less effective it will become.  This device is to help you when you are most in need of it.

 

I should also mention that our emergency kit does not necessarily need to be physical.  Martial artists train in repetitive cycles call katas, taolu or forms.  It is this repetition that prepares them to act appropriately when encountering an enemy.  This training and preparation is done when no threats are present.  It allows the people to be prepared and confident when a real opponent strikes.  Since we are talking about mental and emotional battles with ourselves then the fight will be taking place in our mind so it is there where we can also make preparations.  Mottos, maxims, prayers and quotes that reverberate within us can also serve to bolster us when weakness hits.  Again, these are personal so each one of needs to find something that we can repeatedly bring to mind that will help our thoughts, our spirits and our hearts.

My point in this diatribe is to encourage you to anticipate the worst in yourself.  Do not hold unrealistic expectation of your abilities and motivation.  Humbly admit your weaknesses and failings.  We all suffer from self-doubt and loneliness at different times.  Nobody alive is free from temptation.  However, these darkest hours need not be our downfall if we anticipate and prepare for them.  Take the time today while you are in a good place and your goals are clear and certain.  Work and plan to help yourself to remain on course for your goals when the windy trials and tribulations of life seek to shipwreck you and blow you off course! 

Fill a Need

Fill a Need

©2015 Scott D. Wilson
 

I want to tell you two remarkable stories.  The first story is that of a young intern back in 1991.  Like many of her ilk she works hard and long hours striving to learn all that she can to become a superb physician and ultimately a skilled surgeon.  During this time she is assigned to a critical care ward where she encounters and elderly patient whose illness is very likely terminal.  They chat and find a common bond in their passion for fly fishing.  Their relationship is limited to the regular brief encounters during the young physician’s daily rounds. 
 
One day the doctor notes that the patient’s demeanor is more subdued.  Her inquiry yields a heart-felt statement from the patient.  Tomorrow is his wedding anniversary.  For all of the 60+ years that he has been married he has never missed a wedding anniversary.  But now he is stuck in this bed unable to do anything for his beloved.  Saying nothing our diligent doctor politely takes her leave and moves on.
 
The next day, shortly after the elderly patient’s wife arrives for her regular visit a large bouquet of flowers is delivered to her under her husband’s name.  Our physician hears the joyful tale from her patient later that day.  With a tired smile she goes on her way.
 
My next story is that of another new physician.  However this lady is not so young.  For you see, she was first a nurse for several years before she decided to become a doctor.  This tale begins on a night shift.  A rookie nurse is working the palliative care floor.  The ink is barely dry on her certificate.  Our new physician is also on duty performing rounds when the frantic young nurse stops her in the hall.  An elderly patient is in the last stages of dying.  He has no family to comfort him in his last hours.  He is moaning and begging the young nurse for someone to just hold him.  This is our fledgling nurse’s first encounter with a dying patient.  She desperately looks to our physician for direction.
 
Without a word the fresh doctor quickly walks towards the patient’s room.  Then, to the astonishment of the novice nurse, the doctor careful climbs onto the bed and gently wraps her arms around the dying man.  And there in the room our nurse and doctor remain for several small hours till the old man passes from this world.  The impact on the nurse was significant.  She had never before experienced the likes of such a doctor.
 
Why do I spin these tales for you?  Because they a real, and because I see a lesson of success in their actions.  I am privileged to call the first doctor my sister.  The second wonderful healer is the daughter of my mother’s best friend.  In both cases these wonderful women saw a need and compassionately filled it.  They did not seek glory or recognition.  Indeed I would not know of them had they not been relayed to me by third parties.  Despite their authority and positions they did not feel these tasks were beneath them. 
 
In Disney’s film ‘Robots’ the protagonist falls in love with the catchphrase “See a need. Fill a need.”  The idea is that if we identify a problem then we are in probability also the person most able to develop the solution.  In the film the character’s desire to follow this ideal leads him on the path to success. The two ladies above perfectly lived this creed.  Their examples challenge me.  As I consider the most successful people in business and in life I realize that they too exemplified this truth.  Mother Theresa, Bill Gates, Alexander Graham Bell,  Nicolai Tesla, and others… they all saw needs and successfully filled them.  If we are to succeed in this life then we too should follow this pattern.
 
We all have unique talents and abilities.  We all look around and see this world’s many deficiencies.  Today, instead of hoping that someone else will fix them, perhaps we can turn it around and consider how we might be the necessary person to bless this needy world.  Like my two doctors, may we find our own way to quietly “fill a need.” 

Breaking Bad… Habits

Breaking Bad… Habits

©2014 Scott Wilson

No matter what the goal, we have all experienced setbacks in our life that were entirely due to our own poor actions. When starting out towards a new goal it is quite natural and wise to make some changes and start some new actions that we intend to develop into positive habits.　 Creating new positive habits is just one challenge but in the long run commitment and repetition will eventually yield results in those areas.　 The difficulties of discovering a new and better path and walking it is another discussion in itself.

For those of us who have found a new path it is not so much the creation of new improved and constructive habits and activities that tends to trip us up. It is our well-worn bad habits, poor attitudes and negative thinking that so often sabotages our noble efforts and saps our resolve for success.　 When losing weight, we might be counting calories and getting active but it is that midnight craving that catches us unaware.　　 When we start a new enterprise, it is not acting on the good ideas and constructive plans that sinks our boat; it is the negative thoughts, self-doubts and dwelling on initial mistakes that will torpedo our efforts.

So it is fair to say that breaking bad thought patterns and habits is obviously an important factor in our quest towards success in any endeavour. One thing that should be recognized is that bad habits are natural.　 Bad habits and negative thought patterns develop like any habit, by continual repetition over time. 　Destructive patterns themselves usually arise as a poor response to normal difficult situations. For example, let us look at smoking.

Most people knew that smoking was unhealthy and unwise when they started. Many began smoking to ease a difficult social situation.　 The smoking made the person accepted with a friend or group. The person sanely reasoned that they were in control of the substance and this was true initially.　 As time went on smoking actually fulfilled a need to pacify anxiety and the nicotine soothed emotions.　 Eventually the person lost control over cigarettes, biological cravings ensued and the action of smoking became mindless and habitual.　 However, smoking did fulfill a positive role at first, allowing the person to control their anxiousness and gain positive social acceptance.

It helps to understand that the root of all negative habits, both physical and mental, was once positive or in some way beneficial. The problems spring from the unintended negative consequences of the actions that resulted from the initial choices.　 When breaking a bad habit, it helps to determine what situations trigger the thoughts and actions of the habit.　 Our smoker might keenly crave a cigarette most frequently during social or stressful situations.　 In this case, the person seeking to break the habit would need to prepare for anxious situations that trigger temptation.

Since all habits are both formed and maintained through repetition the key to elimination is by breaking the cycle and maintaining increased periods where the habit is deprived. I doubt there is anything new or revolutionary about what I will have to say on this matter but I hope that I can present it in a unique way that better helps you to understand and apply it. Here are four methods that can be used to deal with negative patterns:

 Replace
 Remove
 Resist
 Reward/Reinforce

Replace: One way to eliminate a poor habit or thinking is to replace it with a beneficial one. If the role of the poor habit is understood then a preferable action or thinking can be implemented in its place. If a habit like smoking or eating is triggered by social situations or anxiety then soothing the anxiety itself should be addressed. Some people have had success with sugarless chewing gum in these situations. They keep an ample supply of gum with them and use it when the craving for food or cigarettes arises in social situations. We humans soothe ourselves in many ways. Sometimes stress can be relieved by squeezing a squishy ball. Other times, some people overcome feelings of anxiety by mentally imagining themselves in control and in a different environment. Each situation is unique. Find the trigger of the craving and creatively address it, meeting your specific needs.

When negative thoughts are part of the negative pattern then sometimes a physical object can be used to help refocus the mind. Place items around your environment that remind you of the thinking and attitude that you want to foster. These can be pictures, quotes, or anything that you can use to keep your mind and heart on track when they get distracted. We can keep an object in our pocket or close at hand that reminds us of a quote or idea that counteracts our negative attitudes when they arise.

For instance, we might feel like a failure in social situations, being constantly reminded of our imperfections and disappointments. A counter-measure against such thinking might be to keep some reminder of a past victory in your pocket. Perhaps you have a medal or small award from a past successful achievement. If not then purchase one and use it to fix such an event in your mind. Seek to remember your victories in this life, no matter how few or small that they may seem.

Remove: Whenever possible we should completely eliminate the elements that support a negative pattern in our lives. With cigarettes and alcohol people generally completely eliminate these materials from their lives. In food addiction, this often means eliminating a particular food type that is problematic or eaten mindlessly. In bad thinking, removal means catching a negative thought pattern when it arises, acknowledging its destructive nature and choosing to completely deny the validity of the thought. Removal can be very effective in severing bad habits if it can be maintained. It is also the most challenging method to employ.

Resist: Resistance is not futile! Sometimes negative habits cannot be entirely eliminated. Problems with food consumption are not solved by simply starving yourself. In these cases we need to regain control over the thought or the action. Many poor habits are mindless. They arise without warning and catch us unaware. At these times it is best if the temptation can be postponed or delayed so that it cannot be immediately satisfied. If you have locked a tempting food in a drawer and you are required to take a few minutes to first retrieve the key then the delay and increased effort may give you time enough to think about the habit and reconsider if it is something that you truly want to indulge.

Resistance can also mix in an element of removal. If there is something that you do not want to eliminate but you do want to control then you might want to ‘fast’ from the habit for a while. You might feel that the TV has become a bad habit for you because you simply spend too much time watching it but you do not want to eliminate it altogether. One way to regain control would be to abstain from television completely for thirty days to break the habitual element. You could then introduce TV back in measured amounts, say one hour a day.

The best way to resist negative thoughts and attitudes it with truth. Let say that when encountering difficulties someone becomes reminded of all the times that they have failed. The fear of failure may loom large in their heart. This challenge can be met if the person mentally prepares so that they can remind themselves that not even trying is merely failure by default. Or they could understand that any failed attempt is still a chance to learn about themselves and improve so that the next attempt will have a better chance of success. The key to resistance here is to prepare our minds in advance for the battle that our hearts will wage against us. In these cases we can even keep cue cards in our pockets with written reminders about ourselves – important positive truths that we have learned or that others have identified about us. Again, get creative. Find ideas that support and remind you about the good and noble truths that you seek to manifest and maintain.

Reward/Reinforce: Rewards and incentives can work powerfully to help us change our minds and habits. The key to rewards is to make them achievable and meaningful to you. If a reward is simply unrealistic then you will become demoralized trying to achieve it. If a reward is not meaningful then you won’t put in the effort to gain it. Incentives can be used to extinguish a poor behaviours or they can be used to reinforce new and better ones. In a given period you could either allot a number of times that you want to achieve a good activity or a maximum number of times that you will allow a negative behaviour to occur. Again, the choice is yours. Whatever it is, make sure whatever you give yourself is worth the effort that you will need to achieve it.

So that is it. Those are my simple tips to help break bad habits that seek to undo our best efforts. As stated earlier, we all encounter road bumps in ourselves along the journey to a better place. Be gentle with yourself. Beating yourself up for a bad habit actually reinforces it. The effort and focus that the activity is given rewards our minds for engaging in the pattern. Instead, look on your bad habit with compassion and remember that it once rewarded you before its consequences caught up with you. Take the necessary steps to think through the negative pattern and address the cause with Replacement, Removal, Resistance and Reward. With perseverance, one day you will look back and wonder what happened to that old bad habit of yours.